


Patched Up

by Somerandomauthorrr



Category: Avengers
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, Bucky needs a hug, Bucky/Reader - Freeform, F/M, Female!Reader - Freeform, Hurt Bucky, Medic!Reader, Yknow just assume everyone's in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-05-02 09:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 35
Words: 53,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14541522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somerandomauthorrr/pseuds/Somerandomauthorrr
Summary: You're a medic at the Avengers Tower, and your job is the same every day. Patch up whoever walks in, live with everyone, go on with your day.That is, until this cyborg looking guy comes in looking like he got hit by a goddamn train.





	1. Rushed Greeting

**Author's Note:**

> This is in first person, considering I'm shit at second person.  
> Some bloody descriptions, not much.

“Keep ice on that eye of yours, and you'll be just fine. Take care of yourself kid.” “Thank you, ma’am! I will!” I smiled as Peter stood up, groaning as he held the ice pack to his bruised eye. He kept the door open as he left.  
I cleared off the table, the tools I used as well. I was used to having person after person when they came back from a mission, but spider boy had come in alone today. I had time to clean everything to my liking.  
At least for a little bit.  
After about ten minutes, I heard the main door slam open, followed by yells. I cleared off the table as fast as my hands would let me.  
“Y/N!”  
I heard Steve’s voice first, followed by Tony’s. “We've got someone we need patched up, and pretty damn quick if that's possible.” “You know it is, Stark. Now who’s the…”  
My eyes were drawn to whatever the hell was in front of me.  
Steve and Tony had some…guy around their shoulders, holding him up. The arm around Steve was metal. Yes, metal.  
It seemed to be the only unharmed part of him.  
They laid him on the table, a groan escaping the guy’s lips.  
His long hair was plastered across his face, blood dripping down his forehead. His clothes were torn in places, burns over his right arm.  
I didn't know if I could fix this that easily.  
“Names Barnes. He's a friend of Steve’s, and just got the shit beat out of him by some assholes on the way here. Mind patching him up?”  
“Sure thing. Hey Cap, you mind pulling that messed up shirt off him?”  
I pulled on my gloves, glancing over at Tony. “You owe me one.” “I always do.”  
He left the room, motioning Steve to do the same.  
“Hey, Bucky, you're gonna be alright, just trust her. Alright?” “Ah shut up.” His voice was strained, rough as ever.  
“Cap, he's okay. You can go. I need space.”  
He hesitantly nodded, glancing at the guy. “I'll see you later Bucky.”  
He left, shutting the door behind him.  
I started working the second I heard them shut.  
“Tell me your name cyborg.” I scoped out his chest, seeing the bullet hole in his right shoulder.  
“You've heard it already.” “Full name please. Don't make me ask twice.”  
I strapped his arm into the metal cuff, hoping it would hold him.  
“Bucky Barnes, you want my social too?”  
“Maybe later, Barnes. I'm Y/N.”  
I grabbed the tweezers from the table, digging them into the wound.  
His groans echoed through the room, a grimace etching itself into my features. “I've almost got it Bucky, just hold on.”  
Once I reached the bullet, it came out easily. “There we go. Now let me get this cleaned out.”  
“I'm alright, you don't have to-” “I know it stings, but you'll get over it, won't you?”  
I poured the alcohol over his arm, earning various swears and grunts.  
“There you go. Not so bad, was it?”  
I laughed a bit as I pressed gauze onto it, placing tape over it for the time being.  
“Now let's take care of those burns, shall we?” “I’d be a bit more focused on the metal sheet lodged in my side, wouldn't you?”  
Oh for fucks sake. What did he get himself into?  
I pulled the waistband on his jeans down, seeing him flinch. “That bad, huh?”  
He rolled his blue eyes, hand clenched into a fist. “I've felt worse.” “But you've most likely felt better.”  
“Can't argue with that.”  
I grabbed a handful of gauze, holding it next to the wound. “Count to three for me, would you?”  
He raised an eyebrow, slowly counting.  
Once he got to three, he tensed up.  
I sighed, knowing he wouldn't like this.  
“Now to five.”  
He started counting again, slower than before. “One...two...three...four...fi-”  
I pulled out the metal sheet, hearing him groan loudly. “Shit!” “I know, I know.” I pressed the gauze over the wound, glancing up at his face.  
He had tears in the corners of his eyes, strands of his hair in his face.  
“Oh Bucky, you'll be alright."  
With the hand with the least bit of blood on it, I pushed his hair back from his face. “Just breathe, this'll be over soon enough.” 

 

It took an hour. Maybe two. I lost count.  
I managed to get an IV in him, pumping saline into his system. I managed to get as much of the blood off of him as possible. Every hole had been stitched and patched, every burn dressed, and every scrape cleaned.  
I was undoing the restraints when he spoke again.  
“Thank you Y/N. I really don't deserve this-” “oh shut up, would you? Of course you deserve it, or else you wouldn't be here.”  
He laughed, turning towards me. “Your voice.”  
“What about it?” I turned back towards the cuffs, a smirk on my lips.  
“It's comforting, to say the least.”  
I felt my lips straighten out, muscles tensing up.  
“I'll take that as a compliment.”  
“You're welcome.” He grinned, leaning back. “Mind sending Cap’ in here? I'd like him to know I'm still alive if that's okay.” “Sure thing Bucky.” I put whatever tools were left in the cabinet, walking out of the door. “Hey Steve, get your ass in here.”  
I turned back towards Bucky, a smile on my face. “Call me in when you're done crying.” 

As Steve pushed past me, I knew they’d be a while.  
I sat down on the couch, my elbows resting on my knees.  
“That rough, huh?”  
I turned to face Tony, sighing. “Yeah, you could say that. Sorry it wasn't as quick.” “He's alive, isn't he?” He set a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it softly. “Get some rest, right here is fine for the next hour or so. I'll wake you up when their therapy session is over.” We shared a laugh for a moment. “Alright, thanks Stark.” “No, thank you.” 

He walked off as I laid down, letting my heavy eyelids close.


	2. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoever this guy thought he was, he had some nerve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real warnings for this, only mind mentions of shit in the last chapter.

I felt someone's hand on my shoulder when I woke up. “Hey, Y/N, Steve went to sleep. Mind helping Bucky get settled for tonight?” Tony grinned down at me, speaking in a hushed tone.   
“That's sort of my job here, I'd be happy to.” I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “Everyone else asleep?” “For the most part. You need my help?”   
I shook my head, standing slowly. “Get some sleep Tony, I'll take care of him.” “Thank you, see you in the morning.” 

I walked back towards the room, opening the door.   
The guy was leaning back on the elevated table, staring up at the ceiling tiles.   
“144.”   
He flinched as I spoke, adjusting his position to face me. “What?” “There's 144 ceiling tiles. I've counted at least four times. Just because I'm the medic doesn't mean I haven't been in your position.”   
I swear I saw him crack a smile. “I counted 156.”   
“Nice to know. You alright to move? If so I'll take you to the room by mine. I guarantee it's a lot more comfortable than that table.”   
He nodded, sitting up. “I can walk you know-” “I'd like to see you try. Now let's get you up.”   
I slid his left arm over my shoulders, shifting his weight onto me.   
I won't say it audibly, but I almost tipped over.   
“You good Bucky?” “Yeah, I'm fine.” His voice was strained. I knew a lie when I heard one. “Let's just get you to the elevator.” 

Once we had gotten him into the room, he might as well have collapsed onto the mattress. “It's just the two of us, you can give up the tough guy facade.”   
He rolled his eyes, a smirk breaking through the rough scowl that had previously stuck. “Thanks, but I'm fine. I'll be alright.” “Whatever you say Buck.” I grinned, helping him get set. “Don't fuck with the IV, or I'll have to beat your ass myself.” “Wow, I feel so threatened.” He scoffed, looking up at me. “What could you possibly do?” “You willing to find out?”   
He hesitated. “Maybe another time.”   
“That's what I thought. I'm just across the hall if you need me.” I turned to walk out, stopping at the doorway. “And by the way, wash your damn hair sometime. Even if there wasn't blood in it, it's a mess.”   
His words were lost through the door as I shut it, laughing to myself. 

 

I hadn't heard from him the entire night. He must have slept pretty damn deep. Then again, I did put a bit of morphine in that IV.   
I was in the kitchen the next morning, getting a cup of coffee, when Steve walked in. “Hey, how's Bucky?” “Not sure, he's been asleep. But I'm assuming he's alright.” He nodded, sighing heavily. “Good. Thanks for helping him.” “It's my job to fix you guys up, don't see why I'd deny him the same.” We shared a small smile, until I heard a crash from above.   
“I'll go-” “Steve, I'll get it. It's fine.” I headed for the stairs, wanting to get there as quick as my legs could take me. 

I knocked before I went in.   
“You okay?”   
I knew the answer. He was on the floor, the IV still taped to his arm. The comforter was pulled off the bed, a pillow joining it.   
“I'm guessing you either rolled onto the floor or tried to stand up. Which one was it?”   
He propped himself up on his forearms, facing the ceiling. “Standing isn't that easy when you can't feel one of your legs.” “You should've called me in, I'd be glad to help you.” I kneeled next to him, pulling him up onto the mattress. “I'm alright, just wish I could function like an actual person.” “Give it a day. You'll be up and around by tomorrow.”   
He let out a small groan, hands gripping the edge of the mattress. “You know, I've heard of the avengers plenty of times, I was even caught in the middle of their dispute, but I've never even heard of you.”   
“I'm more behind the scenes. They only call me in when they're desperate. I'm a last resort type of thing, needed more for medical purposes.” In short, they didn't want me hurt. I'd practically begged Tony to let me on the field, and after one minor accident, he'd accepted that I was too fragile to call in. Said I needed to train more before I could stand with them.   
Didn't feel like revealing that little bit to him.   
“Now I've never heard of you, and I've got files on every person who's ever been in this tower for more than a day. What's your anecdote?”   
“Rather not say. Hard to forget something when you bring it up, right?” I nodded in agreement, offering a smile. “Yeah, I suppose so. Now that you're not on the floor, I'm going back to see Tony, you need anything?” “If you could send Steve up that would be great, thanks.” He kept the same cold expression, his muscles tense.   
“Alright. I'll be back.” 

I left the room, heading for the stairs. 

 

“Tony, I'm fine. I've been working for a year now.” “We can't lose you Y/N, you're a valuable part of this team and putting you at risk-” I practically threw my hands onto his desk. “And you're not? What about Cap? Or Natasha? Or Wanda? Or Sam? They're certainly more valuable than me. Hell, you even take Peter! I'm not weak, Tony. I can handle myself.”   
He sighed heavily, clearly exasperated. “Fine. I'll compromise with you here. Keep an eye on Bucky, and when he's clear to fight, so are you. Okay? It'll be like a test run for you. Can you do that?”   
I nodded quickly, trying to hide my pressing smile. “Of course, I'll let you know once he's ready.” I stood up, heading for the door.   
“Oh, and Y/N?”   
I turned on my heels, glancing down at him. “Yes?”   
“Make sure he doesn't…you know…snap? I'd prefer to not have to strap him to a chair.”   
I nodded, leaving his office. 

 

“Hey Bucky, it's me. Just here to check on you.” I opened the door slowly, glancing inside.   
He was laying down, his eyes closed. His breathing was steady, the comforter covering his left arm.   
For once he didn't look so menacing.   
I walked to the side of the bed, sitting on the edge on the mattress.   
The second the bed shifted, Bucky shot up.   
He grabbed the front of my shirt, pulling his metal fist back.   
“Holy shit-woah, Bucky, calm down! It's me!” I put my hands up in defense, breath caught in my throat.   
He slowly relaxed, bringing his arm down. “What the hell are you doing in here?”   
“Just here to check on those bandages. Is that okay?”   
He hesitantly nodded before letting go of my shirt.   
“Alright, sit up.” 

I pulled back the gauze taped to his arm, glancing at the burn-or what was left.   
A small pink patch of flesh is all that remained from the previous wound. “Holy shit, you recover fast.”   
“Yeah, that's what I've been trying to prove here.” He actually laughed.   
I started taking off gauze patches, peeling off bandages, unsticking tape. I saved the IV for last.   
Any time I went near it he'd tense up.   
“I need you to relax Bucky, or this will just hurt a lot worse.” “It's not that bad, just pull it out already.” I set a hand on his forearm, the other on the tube. I had already taken off the tape, all that was left to do was take it out.   
“Hey, can you tell me the day?”   
“It's Saturday? Why is that important?”   
I glanced up at him, keeping my fingers over the tube. “Alright, now how long have you known Steve?”   
“Ever since we were kids. He was a short little thing, real small compared to me.”   
He cracked a smile, his muscles relaxing.   
“What's the square root of 49?”   
“Now why the hell would yo-”   
I pulled the IV out, earning a small groan from him. “Why the hell do you keep doing that?” “It's to distract you. It's a lot easier when you're not paying attention.”   
He rolled his eyes, probably for the tenth time today. “Hey, would you rather have left it in? If so I'd be happy to-” “it's fine, thanks.” He rubbed his hands together, sitting up fully. “So, have I got the all clear?” “Not quite. First I have to make sure you can actually fight before I cut you loose.” He groaned as though he were an impatient child.   
“Then let's go.” “Really? After yesterday, and all the shit that happened, you really want to do this now?” “Why the hell wouldn't I?”   
Correction, he is an impatient child.   
“Fine, but if you fuck something up, that's entirely on you.” “Works for me, let's go.”   
He shakily stood up, keeping a hand on the bed as he did. After finding his balance, we shuffled to the elevator, keeping at least two feet between us the whole way down. 

This is going to be a long ass night.


	3. I’m damaged and so are you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are revealed. Too much to leave room for comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo shit gets fucked

“You want me to what?”  
“Did I fucking stutter? You're going to fight good ol’ Stevie here, and I'll determine if you're up to par.” Steve was alright with it, I told him it would help (not technically lying, I just needed someone he wouldn't try to kill). But Bucky just wouldn't go with it. “I'm not going to beat up my best friend, Y/N-” “do you want to get cleared or not? Now step onto the mat before I drag you onto it.” He shuffled towards the black mat, avoiding either of our gazes. “You sure this is a good idea?” “Positive. And besides, if anything happens, my lab is just upstairs. You'll be fine.” I offered Bucky a smile, one that he didn't return.  
“Okay, you both ready?” “Sure.” Steve answered confidently, while Buck hesitantly nodded.  
“Alright, first to pin for three seconds, don't hold back. Understood?”  
Both nodded, locking eyes.  
“Have at it.” 

 

They danced around each other.  
Steve would try and get him down, but Bucky would just pull himself from his grip and back up. If he did hit him, it was with his right hand, never the metallic left.  
This went on for about twenty minutes before I got tired of it.  
“That's it. If you don't make a damn move in the next thirty seconds, we push this back a week. Got that James?”  
Bad idea number one-getting a guy with a robotic arm who's much stronger than you mad.  
“Bucky. And excuse me sweetheart, I'd rather not fuck up my friend. You want to take his place?”  
Bad idea number two-agreeing with that idea.  
“Gladly. Steve, film this so I can go over it later.” I handed him my phone, sliding off my jacket.  
“You sure Y/N? You've been out of practice for a while and-” “I've been working nonstop, I'll be fine. Besides, how bad can he really be?”  
Bad idea number three-underestimating the big scary cyborg. 

 

“I'll go easy on you doll face-” “save yourself the trouble. This is an evaluation, not a middle school fight. Now get on with it.”  
I balanced myself, relaxing my breathing as much as possible.  
He dove for my side, brushing against me as I moved. I kicked my shin out, attempting to swipe his feet from under him.  
Didn't go so well.  
He got a hold of my foot, pulling me to the floor. I watched him as he drew his hand back, metal fist aimed for my face. I ducked out of the way just before it got to me.  
My arm hooked around his waist, pulling him down to the mat with me. I heard him wince, sucking air in through his clenched jaw. 

I straddled his hips, hands pressed to his shoulders.  
“One-” Steve couldn't make it to two. Bucky had stood up, flinging me off of him.  
This wasn't going to be easy either way.

 

It had been a damn long time before he got tired out. Both of us sported red marks that would bruise later on, my lip adorned with a small split.  
I had to do this strategically if I was ever going to get him down.  
I hooked my foot around his ankle, pulling it towards me. He merely staggered back, catching himself. I saw his fist coming, and attempted to catch it before it hit me.  
I stopped it just inches from my nose. “Holy shit-”  
I struck his side with my knee, grunting softly. I figured it hurt me much more than it hurt him.  
Bad idea number four-hitting his fucked up side and not realizing it.  
He doubled over, grasping his side. “Goddamnit-” I took the time to slam into his shoulder with every bit of strength I had left.  
He fell back, flat on the mat.  
It had been a lot longer than three seconds.  
“Bucky? You alright?” I kneeled next to him, setting a hand on top of his. He glanced up at me, his hair stuck to his forehead.  
His chest rose and fell sporadically, fingers digging into his shirt.  
“Buck? What's wrong buddy, talk to me.” Steve stood above the both of us, looking down at him.  
“Can you move your hands? I just want to check it-” “it's just my side, I'll be fine. It's just a little sore is all.” He forced a laugh, meeting my gaze. “I'm okay.”  
“Then let me see.”  
I slowly pulled his hands away, pulling up his thin shirt.  
The side was a deep purple, a red mark remaining from the day before. “Now that's a bruise.” “Yeah, no shit.” He looked back up at the ceiling, pulling his shirt down.  
“Hey Cap’, help me get him up.” 

 

“You really need to be more patient with this.” “Sure.” I pressed the ice pack to his side, sighing a bit louder than intended. “It's frustrating, I know, but it'll come around. And you don't even have to wait that long, you've got…whatever the hell it is that does that, thing.”  
He rolled his eyes. Again.  
“You have no idea how frustrating it is to not be able to do the one thing you've done your whole life.”  
I laughed. I didn't intend to, it pushed past my lips. “Really? I have no idea? You have to wait for days. Try waiting for months. Maybe even a year or two. Try that on for size.” My tone held anger I didn't know I possessed.  
He stopped, looking up at me.  
“What happened to you?”  
I busied myself with his side. “Keep this ice on it and it should help with the pain.” “Y/N, I asked what happened.”  
“And I didn't answer. We’ll redo your evaluation tomorrow with Steve, or maybe Natasha. It's up to you, really. I'm not in the ring this time.”  
His hands rested on top of mine, pressing the ice to his skin.  
I stopped. My breathing hitched. My chest felt tight. Am I having a heart attack? This feels like a heart attack.  
“Y/N, talk with me. Not to me, with me.” His tone was laced with concern. Genuine concern.  
I wasn't okay with it. But my mouth didn't listen.  
“I got hurt during a mission. And not just a scrape on the knee or a bruised shoulder. I got knocked out and thrown into a storage container. Thought I fractured a spinal disk.”  
What are you doing? Shut the fuck up!  
I screamed at myself to stop. But I kept going.  
“Tony was the one to scrape me up and take me into the hospital. I was in for maybe a week or two. I didn't fracture a disk, but if I had been hit an inch closer, I would have. Said I almost paralyzed myself. And at that, Tony said no more. I wouldn't be on the field. I'd be back here, taking care of everyone while I worked myself back up from the bottom. They called me in when everything went to shit with Thor’s brother, and that was it. They didn't want me near danger, regardless of what it cost them.”  
Stop it! He doesn't care, nobody does. Shut up with your sob story. He's probably dealt with much worse.  
I just wouldn't listen.  
But he did.  
He listened to every word that spilled from my lips.  
“How long ago was that?” “I don't remember, it's been so long I can't remember the last time I even helped with a mission aside from medical support. They don't want me out of here.”  
I didn't realize I was shaking. My hands felt numb. Everything felt numb. And yet, everything hurt. Things looked blurry. Really blurry. This room is so small. How can he stand to be in a room so small? There's barely any air in here. I don't see how he could stand to be in a room with no air.  
“Y/N, hey, you need to breathe. Come on, you need air sweetheart.”  
I felt his hand squeeze my wrist.  
I didn't even realize I wasn't breathing.  
I forced air in, and forced air out.  
In. Out.  
In. Out.  
In. Out.  
In. Out.  
In. Out.  
“There you go. Much better.” He smiled. I don't think I've ever seen him smile like that. Or at all, for that matter.  
“I struck a deal with Tony that once you're ready, I can go along. That's why I'm counting on you to keep yourself in good shape.”  
“Then wouldn't you want me cleared sooner?” He rubbed his thumb across my rough skin.  
“If I put you out there and something happens, he'll never let me out of here again. I've waited for almost two years. I can wait a few day.” I pulled my hands back, taking a deep breath. “Get some rest, we’ll talk in the morning. Everyone is going out in the morning, so we've got the place to ourselves until 6.” I stood up, shakily. “Don't do anything stupid, for your sake and mine.”  
He nodded, his lips forming a half-assed smile. “Thanks again Y/N, I'll see you in the morning.”  
I left the room, closing myself into my own. 

 

It was at some ungodly hour of the night.  
I heard mumbling coming from across the hall. I had kept my door open and cracked his so I could keep an eye on him.  
Good idea on my part.  
I pulled myself out of bed, already regretting stepping into the fucking Arctic climate that was my room. I slowly made my way towards his room, listening as I did so.  
It was him. He was…mumbling something in…Russian? Sounded like it. I slowly opened the door, glancing inside.  
Bucky had his left hand clenched into a fist, the veins in his arms popping out. His hair was plastered across his forehead, messily framing his face.  
His breaths were shallow and frantic. I watched for a moment as he slept, if you could even call it that. Then I decided to step in.  
“Bucky?” I spoke softly, not wanting to startle him. I'd learned not to after the previous day.  
He didn't respond.  
“Hey, Bucky. You alright?” I raised my voice, speaking just above a normal tone.  
He didn't respond. At least, not well.  
I stepped closer. I could make out some of what he was saying, as most was in English.  
“Not again…”  
“Bucky, James, hey.” I nudged his arm, trying to wake him up.  
His breaths sped up. His arms were shaking. Hell, he was shaking.  
This had gone on too far.  
I shook his shoulders, desperate for him to wake up. “Come on James, for god's sake just-”  
I didn't want to, but he wouldn't snap out of this any other way.  
The noise of skin meeting skin echoed through the room, my hand stinging. He sat up quickly, gripping the comforter. His eyes darted around the room, searching for who knows what. I'd never seen him that panicked in the short time he's been here.  
“Hey, hey, calm down Bucky, you're okay.”  
He glanced at me, his respiratory system relaxing. “You're alright, it's just me. Nobody else is here, just us.” I set my hand on his forearm, the cool metal against my palm. “Take a few breaths, you'll be okay Bucky.”  
I watched as he relaxed. It took him a minute before he met my gaze. “Did I…wake you up?”  
“I was already up. What happened? If you don’t want to talk, don't. I'll respect that.” He nodded, moving his arm so that I was touching his hand instead. “You've heard of the Winter Soldier. Everyone has. It's been all over the news, regardless of where you're from.” “Of course I've heard of the Winter Soldier, Bucky. But what does that have to do with anything?”  
He took a deep breath before answering.  
“You know I’m-” “yes, and I also know none of it was because of you. Steve doesn't exactly keep quiet about his concerns for you.” I laughed slightly, seeing the corner of his lips twitch.  
“That's Steve for you.”  
There was silence. Thick silence. Painful silence.  
I slowly reached my hand to his forehead. He flinched as I got closer.  
“It's okay, I'm just pushing your hair back.”  
He nodded.  
But he didn't let his guard down.  
I pushed the strands of black hair behind his ear, a smile forming on my lips. “You are so letting me fix your hair some day.” “Good luck.” He laughed.  
He actually laughed.  
“You need anything?” “Not anything I can't get myself. Not like I'll be getting back to sleep any time soon.”  
I nodded slowly. “I don't think I can either. I'll be across the hall-” “wait a minute.”  
Our eyes locked for a moment. And that moment seemed to last hours.  
“Could you, I don't know, stay here? I don't really want to be alone, I don't really trust myself to be alone.”  
I felt that familiar pang in my chest. It felt…off.  
“Of course.” 

 

I was laying next to him.  
My hand was resting on his injured side, my cool hands on his rough skin. His muscles stood out beneath, my fingers pressed into the flesh beneath them.  
He had calmed down, but hadn't fallen asleep. He refused to let his body rest.  
“Bucky, you can try and sleep. I'll make sure you're alright-” “no.”  
It had been the same answer each time I brought up the subject. I didn’t push the subject, I knew why.  
“Want to talk about it?” “You wouldn’t want to hear it.” His voice was a soft whisper. It sounded hurt.  
“Bullshit. If you want to talk I’ll listen.”  
He took in a breath. It seemed to last for minutes.  
“I don’t want to hurt him.”  
I sat up, keeping my hand on his tense side. “You mean in your eval? You won’t, it’s just sparing. And besides, he is Captain America-“  
“That’s not what I mean. I don’t want to hurt him again. I’ve gone winter soldier on his ass and I can’t do it again.”  
“And you won’t.” I retained the calmest tone I could manage. “Nobody here even knows what sets it off-“ “he does. I gave him the notebook.”  
“And he knows never to use it. Bucky, you won’t hurt any of us.”  
He let the silence answer for him. He rested his hand on top of mine, his breaths slowing down exponentially.  
“Bucky?” My voice had dropped to a light whisper.  
He didn’t respond. At least not audibly.  
“Buck? You awake?”  
I smiled as he buried himself beneath the mess of blankets, his hair hanging over his face.  
I pushed it back, letting sleep pull me into its comforting abyss.


	4. Getting to know a cyborg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, some sad thing, Bucky being difficult, what more could you want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He finally washes his hair

It was the light that woke me up.   
A thin sliver of golden illumination cascading across my face from the window, blinding me for a moment.   
I glanced down to avoid the light, seeing the person beneath me.   
It took me a moment to recall what had happened the night before, but at the moment that wasn’t my concern.   
Bucky looked peaceful.   
His hair was pushed back, his facial muscles relaxed for once, not set in a stern expression.   
I smiled to myself. My hand rested on his shoulder, softly nudging him awake. “Hey Buck.”   
He groaned, burying himself into the pillow beneath him. “Just five more minutes Steve, please.” His words were muffled, but I heard them nonetheless. I laughed quietly, sitting up. “Come on Bucky, get up.” He slowly opened his eyes, his small smile fading. He quickly moved back, rolling off of the mattress.   
I didn’t want to laugh, but I couldn’t help it.   
“Bucky, are you okay?”   
He groaned again, this time his tone strained. “Ugh, what the hell…” “just get up Barnes.”   
I got out of the bed, pulling him to his feet. “You alright cyborg?”   
He pushed me back, meeting my gaze. “Were you…in here all night?” “Yeah?”   
I noticed his cheeks warming up. We were both at a loss for a response.   
“I’m going down to make some breakfast, I suggest you join me.” “Why?”   
I looked up at his tired face. “So we can eat before we get working. You can’t train efficiently like this. You’re a mess.” “Wow, thanks for the subtlety.” He laughed, nudging my shoulder.   
“Just take a shower while I cook, and wash your hair.” I walked out of the room, listening to the silence that occupied the tower. 

 

‘We’ll be back around 6, don’t throw any parties while we’re out. Remember our deal, and don’t break his neck while I’m out. I know he’s a handful, just don’t kill him before I get back to see it.   
-Stark’  
I smiled at the note, setting it on the kitchen counter. I had set out plates on the table, placing the food accordingly.   
Then I heard the monstrous footsteps of the cyborg I now call a housemate.   
“Okay, there is no way you washed your hair that quick.” “I did! It’s wet, see?”   
I stepped forward, running my hands through his hair. “I don’t think so. I’m washing it after breakfast, and there’s nothing you can say about it-“ “it’s fine Y/N, it’s not a big deal.” “It is to me.” I grinned as I turned around, shielding my expression. “Now eat.”   
We sat across from each other, eating in silence. He occasionally would glance over his shoulder and check his phone for news alerts, but that was about it.   
“You can talk to me you know, I’m not that unapproachable.”   
He glanced up at me, laughing. “What the hell is this?” He motioned to the bowl.   
“It’s called yogurt Barnes, what’s the problem?” “I’ve literally never eaten this in my life, and I’ve been alive for-“ “yeah yeah you damn fossil, it’s nutritional. You can’t live off of plums and koolaid alone.”   
He scoffed, rolling his eyes.   
Again.   
“I don’t just-“ “yes, you do. Steve talks about you more than you’d think.”   
His cheeks flushed again, his eyes avoiding my own.   
He ate in silence while I laughed. 

 

After I had cleaned off the dishes, I practically dragged him into the bathroom. “Put your head under the faucet or I’ll strap you to it.”   
He laughed, holding his hands up. “I’m not going to-“ “you are, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. You look like you haven’t washed your hair in weeks.” I crossed my arms over my chest. He rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding my eyes.   
“Oh my god, that is disgusting!” 

 

I managed to get him to put his head under the faucet (reluctantly), running shampoo through the thick strands of dark hair.   
“It smells like pine.” “Is that a problem?” “More like an observation.”   
I smiled, seeing him relax. He had been tensed up all morning, refusing to let his guard down.   
Apparently the smell of pine calmed him down.   
I rinsed it out quickly, putting a small amount of conditioner in to follow. My fingers ran through his knotted hair slowly. He really needed this.   
After his hair was rinsed out entirely, he put a towel over his head and stood up. “God that hurts your back.” “If you had washed it out earlier this wouldn’t be an issue.” I felt a small laugh escape my lips.   
He was trying so hard not to enjoy this.   
And I was trying not to enjoy him so much.  
He had pulled his long sleeves up to just before his elbows, the fabric clinging to his figure. His hands ran through his wet hair, pushing it out of his face. I could actually get a good look at him again.   
His blue eyes were locked into me, but I didn’t mind it at first. I was too invested in taking in his appearance, like if I looked away he’d melt or dissipate.   
Then I realized I was staring.   
And not just ‘I’m looking at you for a bit too long’ staring.   
The ‘I’m deeply invested in looking at you and only you for an uncomfortable amount of time’ kind of staring.   
I turned away from him. I wanted to shield my burning cheeks from his sight.   
He didn’t want the same.

His finger trailed my jaw, stopping at my chin. He tilted it towards himself. He had gotten significantly closer. A bit too close. I felt his breath on my lips. It burned, but it was a nice burn.   
My lips twitches. My teeth held it still. My eyes burned from my lack of blinking. I just wanted to take him in. To take in Bucky. He smelled like nice cologne and, now, pine. It flooded my nasal cavity, cementing itself as one of my favorite scents.   
The heat had spread from my cheeks to my entire face to my neck to my entire body. I felt warm. And he felt cold.   
Wait.   
I didn’t realize he was pressed against me. His body seemed to be giving off a cold sense. The warmth had anchored itself to me, and I wanted some to dissipate.   
Good way to do that was be by something cold.   
It took me a bit to realize just how close we were.   
I backed up, panicking. “I’ll-well-I’ll see you-I guess-then I’ll-“ “yeah, sorry-I’ll just-give me a-“  
We both stammered our way through a sentence.   
Neither were comprehensible. 

 

I was sitting on his bed behind him, brushing out knots. “You really need to brush your fucking hair.” “It’s not a priority of mine Y/N.” “Can it be?”   
He had complained his way through this entire process, but if it meant I didn’t have to sleep next to a greasy mop when he had me stay with him, I could deal with it.   
I looked down at his arm, or rather, where his body connected with his metallic prosthetic.   
“Tell me about your arm Buck.”   
He tensed up.   
“You know how I-“ “not how you got it and who gave it to you. Just tell me about it.”   
He nodded, glancing at the wall in front of us.   
“In short, it’s weird as fuck. It’s functional like my other hand, if not better, but it feels wrong. Some days, I just want to rip it out and never see it again. It’s basically having something metal shoved into your shoulder and you can’t do anything about it. It’s worse when it’s cold. This thing freezes hella fast, and then the scar tissue gets fucked up, then everything gets fucked up. I would rather have no goddamn arm but apparently that isn’t an option.”   
He took a breath. A long, deep breath. He glanced down at his metallic hand. “This thing is just a constant reminder of all of the awful shit I’ve done.”   
“It’s not who you are Buck. You were fucking wiped. But you got out of that shit. You’re not your past. You’re not what you were. You are what you make yourself.” “Thanks Socrates.” He laughed a bit. I ran my hands through his now soft hair, sighing as I did so. “You should so let me braid this-“ “you have done quite enough Y/N can we please work now?”   
I smiled. My chest felt lighter.  
“Yes, we certainly can.” 

 

We spent maybe three hours doing various exercises to see what he could do.   
And of course everything went smooth. At first he was a bit restrained, flinching when something hit his side, but he relaxed after a while. By the third hour, he was laying face down on the floor, his shirt across the room, and sweat dripping down his figure. “Are we done yet?” “I don’t know Barnes, you tell me.”   
As far as I could tell, he was fine to work.   
He had performed well, and gone through everything we had done so far without any major issues.   
“I’d say yes.” “Then we can stop, I’ve got what I need. Now we’ve got about four hours left until everyone else comes back, spend it how you want-“ he interrupted me, speaking in a hesitant tone.   
“We could go do something if you’d like, or we could watch a movie. I mean, if you want to.”  
I felt a warm smile cement itself on my cheeks. “Aw, you want to spend time with me-“ “I just don’t want to sit by myself for the next four hours.”   
I nudged his shoulder, laughing slightly. “I’ll gladly watch a movie with you Bucky.”

 

We ended up watching three.   
It was the Saw series, what can I say?   
We were in the middle of the third at the moment.   
And his arm was currently draped around my shoulder, my body pressed against his.   
He felt cold, but I didn’t mind. His thin shirt and my sweater were the only layers between us, and god did I want them gone-  
No, I didn’t. I wanted distance. I wanted space.   
His eyes were set on the flashing screen, but I couldn’t take mine off of him.   
His hair was pulled back into a half-assed bun, small sections framing his face. His icy blue eyes reflected the light just enough, his usual stone-cold expression relaxed.  
Any time he was close to me he was relaxed. And I sure as hell wasn’t complaining. 

“Staring is rude you know.” 

I felt my cheeks flush as I snapped my head to the side. “I’m not staring, I’m observing.” “Well observing or not, you’re bright red.”   
I tried to shield my face, but he wouldn’t have it.   
He rested a cool hand on my cheek, smiling down at me. “You’re cute when you’re all flustered.”   
We sat in silence for a moment. His face was mere inches from mine. It was comforting.   
We were in a sort of stasis. Neither of us moved.   
At least, not until we heard JARVIS interrupt.   
“Peter Parker is at the door, shall I let him in?”   
I sighed, pulling away. “Yes, thank you JARVIS.” 

I stood up, pausing the movie. “Guess I have to work, mind getting him?” “No problem.” 

 

I was pulling on my gloves when Bucky walked in with a wounded teenager.   
“Says some assholes at the bank got to em. Looks like he got hit my a car but-“ “I can speak mister.” He had Bucky’s arm under his shoulder, holding him up. He really did look like he got hit by a car. 

Bucky laid him down, stepping back.   
“Peter, tell me what happened.”   
“You see, there was these two guys and they were trying to rob the bank near Vermont street and of course I wasn’t willing to let them because I’m an avenger, well, kind of and that’s what we do so I sort of went in and-“ “Spider boy, calm down. How did you get this messed up?”   
He paused, speaking quietly. “I got my ass handed to me trying to stop these guys.”   
I felt a sigh push past my lips. “Kid, you’ve got to learn when to fight from afar. Don’t just run into things without thinking about them!”   
He nodded, his eyes locked on Bucky. “Who’s the big scary cyborg guy?” 

He smiled a bit. “Call me Bucky.” “Hey Mr. Bucky, I’m Peter-“ “I know.” He was trying so hard not to laugh. So was I. 

 

I ended up getting everything cleaned out and bandaged, pressing ice to his black eye. The same eye he fucked up last time.   
“How the hell does your aunt not notice these things?” “I told her it was from a football accident, because that’s pretty believable.”   
We shared a small laugh.   
“Hey kid, why don’t you go rest up on the couch, and come get me before you leave so I can check on you. That alright?”   
He nodded, sliding off of the table.   
“Good. I’ll be in my office.”   
Peter walked, or rather limped, into the main room, leaving Bucky in here with me. 

I started disposing of anything bloody, setting metal tools in the sink.   
“You know, you’re cute when you’re working.”   
“And you’re cute when you’re not interrupting.” I peeled off my gloves and set them in the bin, turning to face him.   
“You should get some rest too. You seem pretty tired-“ “I’m always tired. I’d rather sit with you in your ‘office’.” His lips twitched. My hands were locked together.   
“Fine, but don’t mess anything up.”   
I sat at my desk, watching Bucky gaze around. “Holy shit, this is nice.” “Yeah, took a little convincing but it’s a pretty nice office. I’ve got files from everyone lined up on the back wall-no don’t touch those.”   
He had already shifted through the files, picking out Steve’s. “You’ve got everything in this. His asthma, broken bones, pulled hamstring?” “I’ve got to keep records of injuries. That’s why everyone has such bulky files. Yours is, well…” I wheeled over to the shelf and picked out his file, setting it on my desk. “Barnes, James Buchanan; medical history, N/A, date of birth, N/A, age N/A, height, tall?, weight, N/A, you seeing a pattern?”   
He sat in front of the desk, grasping his file. “I’ll fill it out later.”   
“Thank you. If you want you can wait in here with me until spider boy gets up.” “I’d love to-sure, yeah.”   
I heard his slip up. Of course I did. But I didn’t point it out. I think he could tell that I heard it by my burning crimson cheeks. 

 

“How is this fair? You have a metal arm!” “That doesn’t make me better at throwing paper into a trash can, you’re just a bad shot.” His laughter echoed through the room, joining mine. I gazed at the trash can across the room, along with the various crumpled papers lining the floor around it.   
We had been tossing them at it for quite a while now, I’m not sure how long. I lost track of time.   
He just seemed so happy. 

I heard the door open, assuming it was Peter. “What can I do ya for-“  
Tony was standing in the doorway.   
“Obviously one of you is an awful shot. Learn to throw paper better, would you?”   
I stuttered out an apology, while Bucky sat there with his mouth clamped shut.   
“I’m sorry Mr. Stark, I was just-well you see we were-Peter was-and we-“ I took a breath, looking up at Tony. “What can I do for you Stark?” “Is Bucky cleared?” He sat across from me, and next to Bucky. He had his hands clasped together, avoiding looking at either of us.   
“He’s fully cleared. I’ve got a full evaluation if you’d like to-“ “no, I trust you. Thanks for putting up with him.” We shared a smile, one Bucky didn’t.   
“I’ll see you two in the morning, get some rest-“   
He was interrupted by Peter walking in. “Hey Y/N, I feel a bit better so I think I’ll be…”   
Tony turned on his heels, a hand going over his mouth. “Peter…” “oh no.” 

I slowly crept out of the room, dragging Bucky with me. “Don’t break anything please.” I shut the door, both of us laughing at the following lecture. 

 

It couldn’t have been later than four. I was fast asleep in my comfortable bed, which I didn’t enjoy being pulled out of. “Y/N, get your ass up.” “Alright alright, what?”   
I opened my eyes to see a silhouette of Steve. “We’ve got a pretty big mission. Involves Loki, of course. We’re going to need all hands on deck. Are you up to it?”   
I glanced behind him to see Bucky in the doorway.   
I kept my gaze locked on his dark figure as I spoke.

“If he goes, I do too.”


	5. Winter, out of Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve promised, but promises break easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some violence, things get sad.

I looked everywhere for my old uniform.  
I hadn’t touched it ever since the last time Loki tried to invade New York.  
But I couldn’t find it anywhere.  
“Tony, have you seen my-“ “there is no way I would let you fight his army of aliens in that pile of rags. I fixed you up with something else. Hope you don’t mind.”  
He dragged me into his lab, handing me a box. “It’s leather but reinforced, holsters along your belt, and it’s got some tech touches. I couldn’t help myself. Hope it works-oh shit, almost forgot.”  
He handed me a pair of black boots. “Steel in both the toe and heel, hurts like a bitch. Don’t break anything, would you?”  
I felt myself grinning. “My god tony-“ “just hurry up and get the damn suit on, we’ve got places to be. Wheels up in twenty, alright?”  
I nodded, shaking my head. “I don’t know how you do it.” “I’m Tony fucking Stark, what do you expect?” 

 

It fit like a glove. I don’t know how he did it.  
I was in the middle of strapping guns into holsters and magazines into cases when Bucky walked in. “Well damn, didn’t think miss medicine looked so good in leather.” “Oh shove it.” I had finished putting my uniform together. I attempted to walk out the door, but his arm stopped me. “You do realize what we’re walking into, right?” “Do you? You weren’t in the last attack on New York. Things get messy. Don’t expect a quick victory.” He rolled his eyes, hands residing on my waist. “Likewise.”  
I didn’t want to move. We were just close enough that comfort wasn’t an option. His lips were curved into a smirk. Those icy blue eye cut right through me.  
I let out a sigh. Next time.  
Right now we had to actually do shit. 

I stepped out of his grasp, heading for the roof. 

 

Good god.  
Last time wasn’t as bad. This is…this is worse. This is demolition. He didn’t want to take over New York, he just wanted to wipe it from the map.  
We were stuck. We had to get our way to the roof to close that fucking portal again, but it none of us could make it past the second floor of the building.  
We were fucked.  
Bucky and I were both low on ammunition. If we didn’t get up there soon everything would be gone. 

Bucky and his bright ideas. 

“Steve, you know-“ “no, Bucky. We agreed. We aren’t doing that.” “I don’t think we have a choice Steve!” They argued over me, and of course neglected to inform me about anything. “Hey, what do you mean-“ “it’s just this once, and I can be talked down. Steve, you’re the only one.” “I can’t even pronounce half of these words Buck.” I stepped between them, exasperated. “What the hell are you-“ “I’m not doing it Buck. Even if I do have the book, I’m not using it-“ “Steve, the Winter Soldier is the only thing that can get us to the roof.” 

I froze.  
The Winter Soldier? He swore that off when he gave Steve the book.  
I didn’t want to agree with him. I didn’t want to aid this.  
But he was right. We didn’t have another choice.  
This was our only shot. 

 

“Buck, I can’t speak Russian, and Nat is-“ “I’ll do it.”  
I stepped up to Steve, holding my hand out. “I can. I studied it in training. I can do it.” 

Steve was in utter shock. “What the hell Y/N, why would you-“ “let her, Cap.” Sam stepped forward, a hand on his shoulder. “Give her the book.”

I felt the leather against my fingers before it registered it was in my palms.  
“Barnes, I want your explicit consent to initiate this program.” “You’ve got it.”  
I took a deep breath, looking at the red notebook.  
Before I started, everyone took a step back. I handed him my pistol and two of the three magazines I had left. “You ready?” “If I have time to think I won’t be.” He sat down on a pile of rubble, putting the pistol in his waistband. 

I opened the notebook, speaking calmly.  
“Zhelaniye.”  
He closed his eyes, taking a breath.  
“Rzhavyy.”  
His arm twitched. I tensed up.  
“Semnadtsat’.”  
I couldn’t hear anyone else but him breathe.  
“Rassvet.”  
He groaned softly, hands clenched into tight fists.  
“Pech’.”  
He doubled over.  
“Devyat’.”  
I saw Natasha out of the corner of my eye. She stopped cold once she realized what was happening.  
“Dobroserdechnyy.”  
He clasped his hands together, hyperventilating at this point.  
“Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu.”  
Everyone took another step back.  
“Odin.”  
He almost screamed. I saw him holding it back.  
“Gruzovoy vagon.” 

Silence. Bucky, no, the soldier stood up, staring straight ahead.  
“Soldat?”  
“Gotovy soblyudat’.”  
“Dobrat'sya do kryshi. Demontirovat' istochnik pitaniya portala.”  
He nodded, heading into the building.  
Natasha came up behind me, setting her hand on the book. “When did you learn Russian?” “Not soon enough.” 

 

We followed him from a distance. At least, everyone else did. I stayed as close as I could.  
The soldier ripped through anything that got in his path, including whatever the hell those things were.  
Natasha caught up with me, shooting along the corridors. “Are you sure you can talk him down? I mean, it took Steve hours to-“ “by the time we get this done, he will already have been pulled down a bit. All I need to do is clear it up, right? It’ll be fine Nat. Don’t worry-“  
Bucky-the soldier groaned. It came out as a growl.  
Something had hit him.  
His flesh arm tensed up, blood steadily leaving down the leather.  
I stepped forward, feeling Nat pull me back. “Not now. Bad idea. We’re almost to the roof, then after we close the damn thing, you can calm him down and take care of it, okay?”  
I hesitantly nodded, watching as he pried open doors and shot anything that got in his way. 

Steve stayed close behind, gripping his shield for dear life. He didn’t want this any more than I did. But we both knew there wasn’t another choice. 

 

After we had gotten to the roof, watching as Thor destroyed what was left of the power source, we had a moment of triumph, before realizing there were still a few that hadn’t gone back. 

And they were about to corner us on the building.  
I turned to face Tony, fumbling for a sentence. “Can you get a higher view with Sam?” “You know I can Y/N.”  
I backed up with Clint and Natasha. “If we’re going down, we’re going down good.” 

At that, all hell broke loose. Again. 

 

I had one of those things diving for my side when I slammed my foot into its shin.  
Tony was right, these do hurt like a bitch.  
The creature doubled over, Natasha following with a gunshot. “How many bullets you got?” “Four. How many of these things we got left?” “At least twenty.”  
I groaned, pulling one to the ground. “Goddamnit.” 

 

I had one left by the time they were all dead.  
We had gathered at the base of the building, trying to assess the damage.  
Not as much as anticipated.  
At least, city-wise. 

The soldier was sitting on a pile of concrete, hands clenched into tight fists. Blood leaked from his arm and cheek, leaving red streaks down his neck. 

“Hey Steve, can you talk him down from this?” “I can certainly try.” 

He stood in front of me, kneeling to his eye level. “Hey Buck?”  
Of course no response.  
“Hey man, you’ve got to come to, we can’t just drag you home like this-“ he was met with a fist to the torso, his shield quickly blocking it. But it knocked him back a few inches.  
“James, come on man, pull yourself together.”  
Another strike. This time meeting his suit.  
Steve pulled back, his words forced out. “Someone else want to try?”  
“Maybe in Russian?” “That could make it worse.”  
Steve groaned, glancing at me and Natasha. “Time. Maybe if we get him back he’ll calm down?”  
We both nodded, each of us keeping a grip on him. 

 

I had him strapped to the table, metal cuffs around his torso and left arm.  
I had Steve and Natasha in the room, both keeping a grip on him.  
“You sure he’ll calm down Y/N?” “He has to, this can’t stick.”  
I pulled the bullet out of his shoulder, flushing out the blood and debris with alcohol. “This guy better be lucky he’s not completely conscious or I would have slapped the shit out of him.”  
I tried to smile. I didn’t want to think about the possibility that he wouldn’t come back. 

 

I had patched up his cheek, mumbling underneath my breath. “Of course this happens. The one time we agree and it’s on this. I should’ve known better.”  
I saw his lips twitch.  
“Hey Steve, can you stay down here with him and make sure nothing happens? I’d like to grab a quick shower.” “Sure thing Y/N.” He took my chair, sitting next to Bucky.  
I walked out of the room reluctantly. I didn’t want to leave him down here, but I had to go with the only idea I had. 

 

I left my suit on the rack outside of the bathroom. I’d wash it once everything with Bucky was settled.  
I let the warm water run over my skin, washing away anything foreign. I saw some of the water over the drain tinted pink.  
I didn’t realize I had been bleeding.  
I glanced down at my leg, seeing a small slice on my calf.  
“Of course.” I muttered, rubbing any dried blood off.  
I glanced at the bottle in front of me, taking a deep breath. “I hope to god this works.” 

I ran my soap-covered fingers through my hair. The scent of pine filled my nose, a pit in my stomach forming. He needed something familiar to pull him back, and this seemed like something that would work.  
The soapy water ran over my body, strands of hair sticking to my neck. I stood under the shower head for a moment, letting the hot water hit my skin.  
There was a chance he wouldn’t come back down. There was a chance he would come back, but different.  
There was a chance he could snap. 

There was a chance I could lose him just before I got him. 

 

I pulled on a pair of sweats, matching it with one of his t-shirts. It was obnoxiously big on me, but it felt comforting.  
It smelled like him.  
I let my damp hair fall over my shoulders, the scent of pine sticking to me.  
“Please let this work.” 

 

I walked back into the room, seeing Steve talking to Bucky.  
Not with him.  
To him.  
“And we blew our train money on hot dogs. It was worth it in all honesty.” His laugh sounded strained.  
“Hey Steve, you’re good.”  
He glanced up, weakly smiling. “Alright, thanks.” He stood up, grabbing my arm as he went to leave. “He’s coming back a bit. Please tell me you can pull him back.” “I think I can.”  
He nodded, sighing. “This was a bad idea.” “Do we ever have any good ones?” 

He closed the door behind him. 

I stood beside him. “Bucky, are you okay?”  
He nodded slightly, avoiding my eyes. “Everything’s fuzzy.” “I’d assume so.”  
I took a deep breath, taking a seat. I took his hand, holding it between my own.  
It was cold.  
“You know, Steve was right about you living off of plums and koolaid. I can’t find any in the tower and I know I made a point to get some.”  
His lips twitched.  
There was silence. I couldn’t bring myself to break it. 

“Pine.” 

I looked up at him, seeing his confused expression.  
“What did you just say?”  
“Pine. Not a problem, just an observation.”  
I felt my lips curl into a smile. “Comforting?” “Greatly.”  
A sigh pushed past my lips. “My god Buck.”  
I rested my head on his chest, feeling him tense up.  
After a moment, his hands ran through my hair. “Is that…cologne?” “Yours actually.” I felt him laugh. “I was wondering why you were wearing that dress of a shirt.” 

I felt my cheeks heat up. Tears threatened to fall, and I let them. 

He tilted my head up. “Hey, calm down. What’s the tears for, huh?” “I thought you were gone.”  
I rested my hand on his cheek. “I thought you were lost James.”  
“I’m not Y/N, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” 

 

I knew they were in the doorway, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to keep him close enough that he wouldn’t drift away again.


	6. Frustrating, isn’t it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing is okay, but what’s new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor blood, not much. Have fun with this mess of a chapter!

I woke up to a figure in my doorway.  
My eyes were locked on it as I reached for my pistol, clicking on the lamp. “Who the fuck-“  
Bucky was leaning against the door frame. His arms were crossed over his chest, hair shielding his face. “Just me.”  
I pulled my hand back, sitting up. “How bad?” “Bad enough. You mind?”  
I pulled the covers back. “Not at all.” 

His eyes were set on the ceiling. I set a hand on his cheek, feeling a bit of dampness touch my palm.  
“You've been crying.” “Don’t think you want to know.” “You’d be wrong.” I felt an arm snake around my waist. His cold fingers met my skin.  
“Was it because of-“ “you know the answer Y/N. I thought it would be fine, that I would just come back from it and things would be okay. But I was wrong. God was I wrong. It just brought everything forward. And I can’t deal with it Y/N, I just-“ I tilted his chin towards me, meeting his stormy eyes. “Bucky, nobody expects you to just be okay. You need to deal with things however you see fit. Don’t force yourself to get over things. You can’t keep repressing these things and expect them to go away.”  
There was tension between us. I wanted it gone. I could tell he did as well.  
But I couldn’t do that. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want me, and I told myself I didn’t want him.  
This would be a mistake.  
But damn did I want to make it. 

 

“We can’t do this.” “We can’t do a lot of things, but has that ever stopped us before?” His hand curved around my waist, residing in the small of my back.  
His touch shocked my skin, regardless of the thin layer between.  
I sighed, leaning on his chest. “What are you doing to me Barnes.”  
The light fell, cloaking the room in darkness. I closed my eyes, trying to let sleep pull me under. 

A few minutes later, I felt his lips on my forehead. “There’s so much I wish I could tell you. Maybe one day I’ll get the fucking guts to do it.”  
I smiled to myself, relaxing on his chest. 

 

My hands curled around the coffee mug, the smell dulling my headache. I knew Bucky was probably still asleep, but I’d let him figure out he was still in my room once he wakes up.  
“Good morning.”  
I turned around to meet Steve’s eyes. His hair was a mess, bags under his eyes. “Didn’t sleep much Cap’?” “No, and I take it you didn’t either.” I laughed, glancing back at my coffee. “I slept fine thank you.”

“Was it because of some sleep aids or the thought of a cyborg sleep aid next to you?” 

I almost snorted coffee.  
“What did you just say Rogers?” “You heard me.” He poured himself a cup, taking the seat next to me. “It’s pretty obviously you’ve got a thing for Bucky. Why not tell him?” “Are you kidding? I’ve known him for what, a week or two?” He rolled his eyes, laughing. “I’m pretty sure he likes you, Y/N. Why not?” “He doesn’t. And I don’t-“ “yes, you do.” He had a grin on his face I definitely felt like slapping off. “This isn’t some middle school crush Stevie-“ “then why the hell are you acting like it?” “Steve! Mind your language!” I laughed with him, feeling my cheeks heat up. “Let’s just not talk about this, alright? And don’t say anything to him.” “Sure thing Y/N.” He stood up, walking past me. “And by the way, I haven’t seen him smile like that in front of anyone, so I’m pretty sure he has a thing for you.” “Steve-“ he had already turned the corner before I could say anything.  
Bucky definitely didn’t want anything to do with me.  
I sure didn’t want anything to do with him.  
We were just friends. Just really good friends that sleep with each other when we have nightmares and can cry in front of each other and train together and watch awful movies and stare at each other constantly.  
But it’s entirely platonic. 

 

The training room was empty.  
Aside from me.  
I had my knuckles wrapped, slamming them into the sandbag. I lost track of how long I’d been down here. I came down after running into Bucky.  
I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to see his face. I didn’t want to see his stupid goddamn face that I would gladly kiss if given the chance.  
But I would never have a chance. I wouldn’t let him give me one.  
Hit after hit, I just got more frustrated. This wasn’t helping, but it wasn’t making things worse.  
“Fuck-you-and-your-god-damn-“  
“You’re bleeding.”  
I pulled my fists back, feeling sweat drip down my neck. “What?”  
“Your hands. Knuckles, rather. They’re bleeding.” Bucky’s voice struck a nerve, but at the same time calmed me.  
I felt his hands grasp mine, his thumb running over the bandaging. “Let’s clean these up, shall we?”  
I couldn’t find the strength to protest. 

He dragged me to my own damn lab.  
He sat me on the table, slowly peeling off the bandages. “What the hell were you trying to accomplish?” “I just needed a break.” “Yeah, sure you did. And that’s why you were avoiding me all day.” He scoffed, looking at my knuckles.  
The skin had been rubbed off, blood dripping down my hands. “Christ Y/N.” His words were muffled. He turned away from me, the faucet running. 

He had noticed. I thought he’d just leave me alone, but he noticed. I just loved fucking up, didn’t I?  
He turned back, holding a wet cloth. “This is gonna sting-“ “I know Buck.”  
He started cleaning off the blood, and I let him.  
If it meant I could be close to him, I would let him.  
“You don’t have to do this you know-“ “you won’t, someone has to.” He spoke calmly. I expected different.  
“Now, would you mind telling me why the hell you haven’t even looked at me today?”  
I kept my lips shut.  
“Typical.”  
I winced as he poured hydrogen peroxide over the wounds. “Bucky-“ “it’s alright. You’ll be fine, I just need to clean them out, okay?” I nodded, focusing on him.  
His eyes were set on my hands. His expression was one I hadn’t hoped to see.  
Disappointment.  
I knew damn well why. 

By the time he had wrapped my hands, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I didn’t want to have this conversation. I didn’t want this confrontation. I wanted to ignore it. Just like everything else. I ignore the rest of my issues, and I’m okay.  
Right? 

 

“Y/N, are you going to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me all day?” “Nope, I don’t think so. Thank you for helping me, but I’m good-“ “stop. Just stop.” He closed the door. He closed my door. He closed my fucking door. And locked it too.  
“Tell me.”  
“I don’t think so.” I stood up, only to run back into him. “Talk to me damnit!” “Buck, move.”  
He grasped my biceps, holding me in front of him. “Talk to me for once. You just gave me the cold shoulder for no reason. You haven’t said a single damn thing to me ever since last night, and I can’t see why-“ “because I’m afraid!”  
I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t want to tell him.  
But yet again, my mouth betrayed me.  
“Afraid of what? Me?” He stepped back, letting go of me.  
“No you idiot, I’m afraid of losing you! I don’t want to tell you all this shit because I know you’ll leave if I do. I value your company too much to just cut you out! I can’t keep doing this, and we both know that, so just let me leave, and we’ll never talk about this again. We can go back to our rooms and live our separate lives and never talk about this again, okay?!”  
“Maybe I don’t want to just leave! I don’t want to live a life that neglects to include you in any way. I don’t see why you can’t grasp that. I’m not trying to push you away!”  
I shoved past him, heading for the door. “I’m trying to push you away dumbass.”  
He grabbed my arm with his left hand. The cold metal stung against my warm skin.  
“Don’t. Just let me in. For once in your life, let someone in.”  
I jerked my arm back. “If I do you’ll want right back out.”  
I put my hand on the lock, turning it.  
“If you walk out of this room, what will that do? And what does this cost? What’s the goddamn price of this?” “It will keep me away from you! I can’t keep doing this Bucky. I’ve lost everyone. I don’t want to lose you, too.”  
I felt my chest cave in. It hurt. Hearing him yell hurt more than anything that happened to me in a damn fight.  
“I can’t lose anyone else, Buck. I can’t.”  
I looked down at the lock, scalding tears burning my eyes.  
“I can’t lose you.” 

I felt his arms wrap around my body, pressing me to his chest. “You won’t lose me, Y/N.”  
I buried my face in his chest. I knew I was getting tears on it, but I didn’t see myself caring.  
“Just let me help. You won’t lose me if you stop trying to shut me out.”  
I felt secure for once. I felt calm and I didn’t want to let go. 

 

I was sitting out on the balcony when Natasha came up to me. “It’s pretty obvious you know.”  
“Yeah, I’m aware. I’ve heard it before.”  
She took a seat next to me.  
“Why not go for it?” “I don’t know. It doesn’t feel so right.”  
She set her hand on mine. “Nothing we do feels right, but we do it anyways. Besides, what could go wrong?” “You know better than to ask that, Nat.”  
“Good point.”  
We shared a laugh.  
“You should talk to him about it. It’ll turn out better than you think.” “Said that last time, and they ended up being a HYDRA agent.”  
“Well this time you know he isn’t, so that’s a plus!”  
I rolled my eyes, standing up. “I might. I’ll see you tomorrow Nat.” “Goodnight Y/N.”  
I headed towards my room, hoping I could just sleep for one goddamn night. 

 

I sure am fucking lucky, aren’t I?  
I woke up in a cold sweat. By hands grasped the blanket, chest heaving. Everything was spinning. I felt dizzy. 

I felt sick. 

I ran into the bathroom beside my room, emptying my stomach into the toilet. My head pounded as I gagged.  
At some point, I felt my hair being pulled into a ponytail and a hand rubbing my back.  
A familiar hand. Don’t know how, but hey, I’ve had a fucked up week.  
After my stomach decided to take a minute to relax, I turned towards the person behind me.  
“Bucky?”  
“Heard you throwing up, wanted to make sure you were okay.” He rested a hand on my cheek, speaking softly. “Let me guess, pretty bad one?” “Right as always.”  
He nodded, helping me stand up.  
I got rid of my stomach contents, rinsing out my mouth.  
Bucky pulled me into his room, and into his bed. “Want to talk about it?” “You know I don’t Buck, but thanks for asking anyways.”  
I could tell he was smiling.  
“Get some sleep, if you can.”  
Sounded pretty good to me. 

I relaxed in his arms, my hand residing on his chest. “Thank you Bucky.” “My pleasure.”  
And back through the damn cycle we went.


	7. Congregations and Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony’s parties are notorious for ending badly, but this was a bit of an…unexpected outcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy my angst

Tony has some shit ideas.   
He decided to throw another goddamn party, and his reasoning was even worse.   
“I’m not allowed to randomly throw parties? I don’t see why not.”   
Of course, it was probably just another excuse to say “hey look, I’m a billionaire who just saved the world. You’re welcome losers.”   
It was also an excuse to see how many shots Mr. USA could do before he started singing America the Beautiful.   
I wasn’t excited in any capacity.   
But Natasha and Wanda sure as hell were.   
“Come on, it’s a great way to get you with Bucky!” “Definitely not, it’s just a bunch of superheroes drinking and having a nice night, that really isn’t necessary.” Both women were intent on getting me into some small dress to impress the soldier, but I refused to wear anything that required a strapless bra.   
“Fine, we’re going to get you something and you are going to wear it damnit.” Natasha grabbed her wallet, Wanda swiping her phone. “We’ve got two hours. Let’s go.” 

And at that, things went downhill. 

Wanda was leading this, considering anything Natasha picked was black leather. 

After spending at least an hour at the mall, they found something that seemed the most ‘me’, whatever the hell that meant. 

I stepped out of the dressing room, staring in the middle of three mirrors.   
“Oh hell yeah, you’re definitely wearing that.”   
It was a wine purple sleeveless top with a three quarter sleeve grey jacket, and heels that seemed too complicated. The jeans felt nice, but weren’t exactly my type.   
“Why the hell do these have so many damn holes?”   
They looked at each other, then back at me.   
“You’re definitely right for Bucky.”   
I glanced back in the mirrors, sighing. “Alright.” 

 

After getting back, I spent entirely too long in the bathroom.   
I had my hair curled by Natasha, Wanda making too many attempts to wing my eyeliner. “Listen, I don’t really see the point in all of this.” “This is one of Tony’s parties, you’ll want to look nice.” Wanda seemed to finally get it right, brushing something over my cheek.   
“I’ve been to his parties before guys-“ “and you’ve stood in the corner with your nose in a book. This time, you’ve got a date. And besides, all of the avengers will be here, why not?”  
I sighed, just letting them work. 

 

“My eyebrows? Really?” “Okay, TRY and tell me they don’t look good Y/N.” Wanda smiled, setting brushes and palettes in a box. “You look great, you ready to go see too many people at the same time?” “You know it Nat.” We left my room, taking the elevator to the top room. 

 

Everyone I had ever met was there.   
Thor, Bruce, Vision, Steve, Sam, T’Challa, Clint, Rhodey, even Peter to name a few.   
I scanned the room, and still didn’t see Bucky.   
I went up to Steve, my hands twisted together. “Have you seen Buck?” “I think he’s still trying to figure out how a tie works-woah. You look nice.” I smiled, tucking a curl behind my ear. “Thanks Steve, you cleaned up nice too.” “Well, for once.” We laughed a bit, hearing the elevator open.   
Bucky stepped out, still trying to fix his tie.   
Damn did he look good.   
His hair was actually clean, and pulled back into a bun. He didn’t have eyeliner on for once, shockingly. The shirt really pulled things together.   
I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in white.   
His eyes met mine.   
He stopped moving for a moment. His hands lowered. He just stood there, gawking at me.   
I walked up to him, not even attempting to hide my blush. “Staring is rude you know.”   
“I prefer the term observing.”   
I smiled, fixing his tie. “You should’ve asked for my help, this is crooked as hell.” “I haven’t worn one for god knows how long Y/N.” “Not an excuse.” I pulled my hands back, clasping them together. “You look nice.” “You look better. Much better.” He trailed off, lips curving into a small smile that quickly faded. “I mean-shit I’m sorry-what I meant to say was-I’m not saying you don’t look nice because you really do-shit I mean-“ I put a finger to his lips, smirking. “I know what you meant, Buck. Thank you.” He chuckled hesitantly, glancing off. “Let’s go get a drink, shall we?” 

 

We were sitting at the small bar, each with a glass in our hands. “Have you ever met half of these people?” “I can’t say that I have Y/N. You?” “Sadly, yes.” I let a laugh push past my lips.   
“M’lady!”   
I almost dropped the glass, turning on the stool. “Oh, Thor! Hello!” “Hello Lady Y/N, how are you?” I was greeted with a hug that was much too tight, almost crushing me. “Air, Thor. I need air.” “Oh, my apologies.” He pulled back, smiling. “Oh, hello…” “Barnes, call me Bucky.” He offered a smile, Thor replying with one. “Come, everyone wishes to see you!” He took my hand, attempting to drag me off, and succeeding.   
“I’ll be back in a minute Buck!” He gave me a nod, and returned to his drink. 

I was pulled into a circle, Thor smiling. “I’ve retrieved her.” “Thanks demigod.” Clint grinned, glancing at me. “Y/N, good to see you.” “You too Katniss.”   
“Oh hey Y/N, how’s things going in your lab?” “Good, how about yours Bruce?”   
He shyly waved, speaking calmly.   
“Oh Y/N, great to see you.” “It’s been a too long.” “Damn, how long you been gone?” “Hi Miss Y/N!”   
I couldn’t tell where one conversation stopped and another began. I was bombarded with questions of how I was doing, what I’d accomplished, how missions went, that sort of thing. I got through each one, giving short enough answers that they wouldn’t spark a long conversation but long enough not to be rude.   
After what felt like an hour, I excused myself back to the bar. Once I got back, I noticed Bucky was gone. His drink was gone, too.   
Guess he found Steve.   
I took mine, going back to the group of people passing around shot glasses. 

 

To answer your question, it takes nine shots to get Steve to start singing patriotic songs, and ten to get Tony to sing them with him.   
I watched from the crowd I was in, laughing along with the others.   
I didn’t expect to be having such a nice time. It would have been better if I could find Bucky, but he wasn’t anywhere to be seen.   
Instead, I busied myself with everyone else.   
“Hands off pipsqueak!” “I’m an avenger Mr. Barton!” “But that doesn’t mean you get to drink, kid.” He laughed, grabbing the bottle back.   
I nudged his elbow, handing him a glass. “Only a sip, not too much. Don’t tell Tony.”   
He nodded, tilting the glass up.   
He handed it back coughing. “Good god, what is that?” “That’s called alcohol, Peter.” “It’s terrible.”   
I smiled, excusing myself from the table.   
There’s only so much or Thor’s yelling I can take.   
I waded through the people, trying to find Wanda or Steve, only to see Bucky and Natasha.   
“Oh, hey-“   
“I just don’t think it would work. Not really a fit for me, you know?” “Come on Soldier, I don’t see why not.” “I mean, it seems like a bad idea. I certainly think that would end badly. And besides, why would want something like that?”   
I stopped cold.   
No, he wouldn’t do that. He wasn’t like that. He wasn’t talking about me.  
“I’m not really one to subject myself to something that personal, you know.” 

Okay, it was definitely about me.   
I felt that pit in my stomach return, heat flowing through my cheeks.   
I stormed past them, walking towards the balcony.   
I heard someone calling my name. I didn’t bother to turn around.   
I closed the door behind me, standing on the edge of the balcony.   
I couldn’t believe him. Just a few days ago he was telling me how much he cared about me. How he actually gave a shit about what happened.   
And then he does this.   
He could’ve at least gotten the balls to say it to my face.   
I let the tears fall. Might as well. I wasn’t upset. I didn’t deserve to be. We weren’t anything special. Just friends. Just fucked up friends. I wasn’t crying over that.   
I was just so…pissed. That was it. I was mad. That’s why I was crying. 

 

I heard footsteps.   
“Y/N, what’s wrong?”   
I turned around to see him.   
He had let his hair down, his tie loosened.   
I turned back around, looking out at the star-dotted sky. “Not like it matters anymore. You don’t want anything personal.”   
He stood behind me, resting a hand on my shoulder. “What do you mean-“ “I heard you talking to Natasha, don’t think I didn’t. I heard everything I needed to. You don’t want this, you never did. You could’ve at least told me yourself.”   
He put his hand on my cheek, wiping away the streaks I’m sure were mixed with makeup.   
“Y/N, let me explain-“ “you don’t need to! I knew I should’ve just closed you out. It hurts less if you don’t let people in. I should’ve gone with my gut instead of letting you come in and fuck me up.”   
He stepped back. “Y/N, just let me tell you-“   
“Don’t you get it? You don’t need to explain jack shit! I understand you don’t want anything to do with me! Just leave me alone, okay? I’d rather not have you see me like this.”   
He took a breath, running a hand through his hair. “Y/N, I wasn’t talking about you. Can I get a chance to explain what you heard?” “I’ve heard enough from you James.” I took a breath, more tears falling. “I don’t want to be told what I already know. Just go back inside and go back to drinking and-“   
“I’m in love with you.”   
I stopped, my lips quivering. “Y-you…what?”   
“I’m in love with you, Y/N. I know that seems forward, but I can’t think of any other way to describe this. I know this is the last thing you want to hear but I have to say this because I know you won’t give me another chance to if I let you slip away. I want to tell you so much but I can’t express it any other way. I’m completely infatuated with you.”   
I looked up into his stormy blue eyes, my tears yielding. I let the space speak for itself.   
Then I closed it.   
I pressed my lips to his, my hands resting on his cheeks.   
I expected him to pull away. I expected him to throw me off and storm back inside. But he didn’t.   
He kissed back.   
His hands rested on my waist, pulling me closer to him. For once, he didn’t feel cold.   
He felt warm. Comforting. Inviting.   
I let my fears melt away for a moment, enjoying the taste of him. Alcohol and…plums, if I were to guess. His lips moved against mine, hands sliding across my body to keep me as close as physically possible. 

I pulled away when I needed air.   
Our eyes were locked, but nothing was said.   
We just stood in each other’s grasp, savoring everything about this. 

Unbeknownst to me, Wanda and Natasha were inside, exchanging bills with an intoxicated Steve. “We told you it would happen before midnight.” “It’s 11:59, it shouldn’t count.”


	8. Awkward First Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s a mess in domestic settings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m glad you guys enjoy this series, considering my writing is so sloppy.

I woke up feeling like I had a drill in my head.   
I sat up, groaning quietly. “Damn-wait…where…”  
Glancing down at the bed, I noticed Bucky asleep beside me.   
I had one of his shirts on that smelled strongly of his cologne.   
A smile formed on my lips once I recalled the previous night. I slipped out of the bed, quietly making my way down the hall. 

 

“Well someone had some fun.”   
I turned to see Natasha standing behind me, her hair pulled back.   
“Hey, you look awful.” “Same to you Y/N. You and Barnes have a nice night?”   
I regained my attention on my coffee, scoffing. “We didn’t do anything, we just fell asleep. What about you?” “I’m just enjoying my ten bucks I gained from Stevie, thanks to you.”   
I rolled my eyes, grasping the two coffee mugs. “You were betting on me?” “Just on how long it would take you two to get your shit together.”   
I shrugged, walking past her. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get cleaned up. I suggest you do the same.”   
“Thanks, Y/N.” 

 

“Get up Sergeant.”   
I set the mugs down on the bedside table, sitting next to him on the bed. “It’s already eleven. Wake up.”   
He groaned softly, turning away. “Everything’s too damn bright.” “I’ll open the curtains if you don’t get up in the next five seconds.” “Alright alright, I’m up-“ he stopped, sitting up. “Wait, Y/N?” “Yeah, I got up before you for the millionth time.”   
He glanced around, then back at me. “What did we-“ “nothing really, just slept it off. I’m guessing you’ve got a killer headache?”   
He nodded, grabbing one of the mugs. “Thanks.” “No problem. I’ll leave you to get up, I’m going to grab a shower.”   
I grabbed my own mug, collecting my shoes clothes next to the door.   
“Oh, and I’m keeping your shirt.” 

I let the water rinse off any imprint of him I had on my skin, along with the aroma of alcohol that seemed to cling to me. I took the time to think about what the hell was going to happen now.   
He’d kissed me. He said he was in love with me. I was definitely in love with him.  
But I don’t know if I could admit that to myself.

 

I had just thrown on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt when someone knocked on the door.   
I opened it just enough to see who it was.   
Bucky was in the doorway, staring at his hands.   
I smiled, opening the door wider. “Hey Buck, what’s up?” “Oh you answered-shit um…” he took a moment to breathe, speaking quietly. “I was wondering if you wanted to go get some lunch at that little cafe down the road, or something like that. We don’t have to if you don’t want to, we don’t really have to do anything at all if you don’t want to, or I could just leave-“ I kissed his cheek, watching as his cheeks flushed dark red.   
“I’d love to go to lunch with you. I’ll meet you there in about twenty, okay?”   
He nodded quickly, smiling as he did so. “Okay, I’ll see you then.” 

 

I stood outside Steve’s room, about to knock on the door to ask him about a training schedule, when I heard him talking to someone else.   
“Calm down man, you’re getting too worked up.”   
I smiled, lifting my hand again, when I heard the other voice.   
“Steve, I haven’t been on a date in seventy years, I don’t know what the hell to do! She just said she’s like to go, and I don’t know if this is going to end with another date or if she’s just going to leave but I don’t want to fuck this up Steve.”   
He…he asked me on a date. God I’m an idiot. I thought he just wanted somebody to go with him, but this was a date.   
Oh fuck.   
“Bucky, you need to calm down. Just be a gentleman, like you used to be.” “But I don’t have any idea how!” “Then let me help you. When’s your date?”   
I glanced at my watch.   
Fifteen minutes. I had fifteen minutes.   
I practically ran from the hall, heading for Wanda’s room. 

“Wanda! I have a problem!”   
She almost fell off the bed, standing quickly. “Is it Tony? Or did something else happen? What’s going on?”   
“I have a date in about twelve minutes and I’m not prepared in the slightest!”   
She sighed, looking at the floor. “Christ, Y/N. Okay, where are you going?” “The cafe a few blocks down. I’m meeting him there. I haven’t been on a date in years, Wanda. Help. Me.”   
She turned to a bag on the floor, digging through it for a minute before handing me a small can. “Here. It’s just mints. Just calm down, get some coffee, and talk to the man. He’s not that hard to impress, and considering you already have, I don’t think that’s an issue.” She offered a smile, going behind me and brushing through my hair with her fingers. “Let me braid this really quick, then head out. Don’t want to be late.”   
I nodded, glancing out the window. “What if I mess this up?” “He already likes you, I don’t see how you could.”   
After a few moments, she stepped back. “Text me when you’re done, and tell me everything. Good luck.”   
I gave her a quick hug, smiling as I walked out. “Thanks for the mints I guess, see you later!”   
I exited the building, sticking my hands in my pockets. 

 

It had been about ten minutes.   
I had already gotten coffee, sitting at one of the tables towards the corner.   
I started to assume he stood me up. I glanced through the window, watching the busy people run down the streets.   
Maybe he decided he didn’t want to deal with this and just stayed at the tower. Or he ditched me to go do something with Steve. He could have just locked himself in his room to avoid this. 

“Hey, sorry I’m late. Did you know that every single flower shop in New York closed down except for one?”   
I looked up to see Bucky sitting across from me.   
He had his hair pulled back, a cup of coffee in one hand and a few roses in the other.   
I could feel my cheeks heating up already.   
“Really? Considering Loki probably blasted all of them to shit, I can see why.”   
He handed me the flowers, hiding his own blush unsuccessfully.   
“Thank you Buck, you didn’t have to.” “I’d like to think I did.” He smiled, glancing over his shoulder. “So, how are you?”   
“Nope, we aren’t doing small talk.” I laughed, taking a small sip from my cup.   
“How’s the weather? Did you see the news this morning? Oh, what’s your favorite color?”   
I smiled, reaching across the table to knock his shoulder. “Shut up Barnes. Let’s just get something to eat, alright?” “Whatever you say.” 

 

He was a mess.   
First, he tripped on the way to the counter, then he almost spilled coffee on himself, then he dropped his phone and almost cracked it.   
He was incredibly nervous and it showed.   
But it was hilarious to watch him try to make conversation.   
Eventually, we started talking about stupid things Steve has done.   
“Okay, you’re telling me he fought some guy in an alley over a beer?” “Yes, and half a sandwich.” I couldn’t hold back my laughter, and neither could he.   
“I’ve seen him fight over less though, like a phone charger.” “Man, times change, don’t they?”   
I smiled, leaning on my hand.   
His smile was infectious. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he laughed was just so goddamn attractive. He certainly was enjoying himself, as was I.   
“Hey, I’ll be back in a minute.” He stood up, walking towards the back.   
I pulled out my phone to text Wanda, deciding to call her instead.   
I dialed her number, watching the entire cafe as it rung. 

I heard her ringtone about three tables down. 

My eyes snapped that direction, seeing someone with a hat on quickly shut it off. 

For fucks sake.

I stood up, quickly walking over. “Wanda?”   
She jerked, looking up at me. “Oh, hey Y/N. How are things? I can’t believe I’m running into you like this!” “Wanda, what the hell?! Why are you crashing my date?”   
A voice from behind her spoke.   
“Not crashing, observing.”   
I rolled my eyes. This could not be happening.   
“Really? You too Nat?” “I couldn’t resist! Besides, it’s amusing to watch you two dance around each other.”   
I glanced around, checking to see if he was coming back. “You two, out. Leave me be for once.” “We’re just making sure everything is okay, is that a crime?” “When you’re crashing someone’s date it is!”   
I heard a door in the back open, Bucky walking out.   
“Just, stay out of it, okay?” “Whatever you say.”   
Wanda followed my eyes, swiping his feet out from under him.   
“Really?” “Hey, you’re welcome!”   
I walked over to him, seeing him groaning. “What the hell?” “Clumsy today, aren’t we?” I offered him a hand up, which he gladly took. “Hey, how about we head back to the tower?” “Uh, alright. Everything okay Y/N?” “Yeah, it just seems a little crowded in here.”   
We gathered our things, leaving quickly. 

On the way back, it started raining. And not just drizzling. Full on pouring.   
Just out luck.  
After a moment, water stopped pouring over my head.   
I glanced up to see Bucky holding his jacket over me. “You look like a wet cat.” “Thanks Buck. You look like a mop.” We shared a laugh, quickly getting back to the tower.   
We stopped outside, standing in the rain.   
Neither of us moved. It didn’t even seem like we breathed.   
Then he crashed his lips into mine.   
I relaxed beneath him, wrapping my arms around his neck. My lips moved against his, my freezing body warming up.   
After a moment or two, we pulled apart.   
I felt myself laughing, him as well.   
We kissed again, enjoying each other’s embrace.   
At least, I was.   
Once we pulled apart again, I laid against his chest. “I think I’m in love with you Bucky.”   
“I think I’m in love with you Y/N.” 

 

We walked right into Steve as we came in.   
“Okay, first of all, we all saw that. Second of all, you’re tracking water in.” “Sorry Dad, how long am I grounded for?” I rolled my eyes, hearing Bucky burst out laughing.   
“You’re both idiots. And by the way, thanks for making me lose ten bucks.”   
“What is he-“ “sorry Steve, talk to you later! Thanks for the scolding!” I pulled Bucky into the elevator, slamming the button with our floor on it.   
“What was he-“   
I slammed our lips together, pulling him towards me.   
He tensed up for a moment before melting beneath me.   
I backed up, smiling. “Don’t worry about it.”   
“Gladly.” 

 

I was closed in my room before I realized I still had the can of mints in my pocket.   
I took them out, a small black gleam catching my eye.   
She didn’t.   
She fucking didn’t. 

“WANDA!” 

 

I was in the middle of reloading the pistol beside my bed when he walked in.   
I set down the magazine, turning to face him. “Hey Buck, what’s on your mind?”   
“Everyone’s watching a movie downstairs, want to come? It’s the latest shit horror movie.”   
I smiled, setting the gun back beside the mattress. “Don’t mind if I do.” 

 

At some point during the movie, his arm made its way around my shoulders. I leaned against his chest, taking in the familiar aroma that clung to him.   
Everyone’s eyes were glued to the screen, yet mine were set on a different view.   
When you have time to really take in someone, you notice things you haven’t before.   
Like the little scars lining his cheek from where some things didn’t fully heal.   
Or the way his jaw tensed up when something flashed on the screen.   
Or the way his lips, which were usually drawn into a thin line, were raw from him biting them.   
I watched him react to everything happening, just taking in him. 

My eyelids started feeling heavy. My muscles ached, regardless of the position I was in.   
I let sleep pull me under, but not before I heard Bucky mutter something under his breath. 

 

“How could someone like you love a monster like me.”


	9. Poisonous Self-Image

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky can’t seem to understand he isn’t hurting anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning-in the beginning Bucky has a bit of a panic attack, skip over it if need be.

It couldn’t have been later than three in the morning.   
I woke up to whatever I was laying on moving. I opened my eyes to see my room, with Bucky underneath me.   
I turned to face him completely, seeing him mumbling.   
I picked up on some of it, none of which I want to repeat. I softly nudged his arm, speaking quietly. “Bucky, wake up.”   
He didn’t respond. He only got worse.   
I sat up, grasping both of his shoulders. “Buck, come on. You’ve got to wake up.”   
After what felt like minutes, he sat up quickly, almost screaming. He was forcing air out quicker than he was breathing in. And he was shaking. His entire body was shaking.   
I set my hands on his shoulders, speaking as soft as I could. “Bucky, hey, look at me. Can you do that? I need you to look at me.”   
He glanced up, pain apparent in his eyes.   
“I need you to hold your breath for a few seconds, then breathe out really slow. Can you try and do that for me?”   
He nodded, attempting to hold his breath.   
Didn’t work so well.   
He just got even more worked up, tears threatening to spill over his cheeks.   
“Hey, Buck, look at me.”   
I set a hand on his cheek, breathing slowly.   
His eyes met mine.   
“You’re okay. Nothing’s going on, nobody’s here. It’s just you and me. You’re okay.”   
He didn’t say anything. I don’t think he could. He just hugged me.   
He pressed himself to my body, burying his head in my shoulder.   
I rubbed his back, kissing his cheek. “You’re alright Bucky. Nothing can get to you here.”   
He was sobbing. His body shook, coughs shoving past his throat.   
“Bucky, I need you to calm down. You’ll make yourself sick.”   
I felt his chest rise against mine, attempting to force air in.  
With each breath, he slowly calmed down, gripping me tightly.   
“There you go Buck. Just like that.”   
I pulled back a bit, looking up at him. “I’m going to get you some water, is that alright?”  
He grabbed my arm, managing to choke out a few words. “Can I…go with you?”   
I smiled softly, nodding. “Yes you can.”   
I stood up, pulling him up with me. We walked into the bathroom, Bucky sitting on the edge of the bathtub. I handed him a glass of water, keeping my hand over his. “Not too much at once, you might get sick.”   
He nodded, taking small sips.   
“Good. Now, can you tell me where we are?”   
“New York. In a bathroom, in a huge tower.”   
I nodded, rubbing his shoulder with my free hand. “What month is it?”   
“I think it’s August. It could be September. I don’t know. Y/N, are we alone?”   
I took the glass, setting it on the counter. “We are, everybody else who lives here is asleep, and nobody is coming in.” I sat beside him.   
He started hyperventilating again. He tensed up. He frantically looked around the room.   
“Hey, Bucky, it’s okay. Nobody’s in here.” I tilted his chin towards me. “Take a few deep breaths, you’re working yourself up. I need you to calm down.”   
He choked over his own sobs, gagging a few times.   
Eventually, he coughed a bit too much.   
I pulled his hair back, rubbing his back as he threw up in the bathtub. His hands grasped the edge a bit too tight, cracking the porcelain.  
“It’s alright Buck, you’ll be okay. Just calm down, you’ll be alright.”   
After a minute he relaxed, falling back onto my shoulder.   
“You’re okay Bucky, I promise. Nothing is going to happen.”   
He nodded, looking up at me.   
“What do you say we go back to bed, that a good idea?”   
“Yeah…it is.”   
He leaned on the wall while I rinsed out the tub, getting him some more water on the way out.   
Before we left, I washed my hands with pine soap. 

We got back into bed. I turned the temperature down in the room to cool him down.   
“Hey Buck, can you tell me about the first time we met?”   
Anything to keep him conscious until I knew he was okay.   
“It was around July I think. I was on the way here with Steve when we ran into something, I can’t remember what. Him and Tony dragged me back here, and that’s when I met you. You looked so pretty Y/N, I swear my heart stopped. You just looked so damn pretty. And I spent the entire time trying to get myself to talk to you but I couldn’t do it. I just stared at you and I probably looked really stupid but I don’t care, I just wanted to look at you.”   
I smiled, looking down at him. “My god, I didn’t think you felt like that whatsoever.” “What did you think?”   
I smiled, laughing my way through the sentence. “Hey, why be hell is this crazy ass lady trying to get me to count all the time?”   
He started laughing too.   
I kissed his forehead, smiling. “Try and get some rest Buck.” “You too.” 

I was laying on his chest, my eyes closed. I took a deep breath, speaking at a barely audible volume.   
“I heard what you said.” 

 

I was in the gym, beating the hell out of the sandbag again.   
I knew Bucky was in the back with Steve, but I didn’t care. I just couldn’t stand the tension anymore.   
Things felt wrong.   
Everything felt wrong.   
I felt wrong.   
I slammed my fists into the bag, forcing air in and out.   
After a few minutes, I felt someone’s hands on my waist. “Relax, doll. You’re going to bust your hands again.”   
I pulled back, shoving his hands off. “I don’t need to relax.”   
His expression melted into confusion. “Y/N, are you okay-“ “you know the goddamn answer. Of course I’m not.”   
I didn’t want to do this again. But then again, when did I ever? If not now, when?  
“Okay, Y/N, what is your problem?” “My problem is this! You don’t want this, you’re scared, and I know you are. And to tell the truth, so am I. But then again, when am I not afraid of hurting people?”   
I pulled off the bandaging over my hands, tossing it in the trash on my way out. 

I stormed out, heading for the balcony. I gripped the edge, feeling like there was a weight over my chest. This all felt wrong.   
It couldn’t have been more than five minutes before the door burst open.   
“Y/N, what the hell is going on?”   
“I can’t do this. I can’t keep fucking doing this!”   
I turned around, my back to the edge of the balcony.   
“What the hell are you talking about?” “I can’t keep watching as you slowly drive yourself crazy. You keep thinking you’re a goddamn monster, but you aren’t! You aren’t some machine that’s going to snap and kill all of us. You can’t fix things if you keep letting them control you! But you don’t seem to understand that concept.”   
He took a breath before he spoke, obviously trying to calm himself down. “You don’t understand this. I’ve been a weapon most of my life, and I’ve killed more people than I can keep count of. I’m poisonous Y/N, and I can’t risk you getting hurt because of me-“ “Maybe I’m willing to take that risk! Maybe I’m willing to put up with the constant nightmares and waking up at some ungodly hour of the night screaming because I’ve had to deal with that shit myself, and I know it’s harder to do alone. The more you isolate yourself, the worse it becomes. I’m not willing to let you close yourself out, because I’ve watched it destroy me, and I don’t want it to destroy you either.”   
He scoffed, clearly ignoring anything I just said.   
“Why would you want to put up with a fucking monster like me-“ 

“Because I love you, you dumbass!” 

He stopped trying to interrupt me.   
“What did you just say?” 

“I said I love you! There, now go ahead and tell me how I’m fucking all this up, because I know I am! I know I’m ruining this, and I shouldn’t be in love with someone like you, but I am! You know why I’m willing to do all of this for you? Why I’m willing to put up with you constantly pushing me away? Because I fucking love you, more than you could ever understand, and I shouldn’t, but I do. Now go ahead, leave me here on this goddamn balcony and just storm off, but that won’t change a goddamn thing.” 

I couldn’t seem to stop crying in front of him, could I? 

His voice significantly lowered.   
“I love you too. But I don’t see how you could love someone like m-“ “don’t you fucking say it.” I got too close. He was much taller than I was, but I didn’t care at the moment.   
“You listen you motherfucker. You aren’t a monster. You aren’t poisonous. You aren’t a fucking bomb. But even if you were, I’d be okay with being blown to fucking pieces. I’d be okay with it. But I don’t have to be. Because you, James Barnes, are not a monster.” 

He rested a hand on my cheek, pain settling in his eyes. “What could you possibly see in me that isn’t toxic?”   
“You’re human, Bucky. You’re human, just like me.” 

He pulled me towards him, pressing his body to mine. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you at all.”   
I sobbed into his shoulder, holding him against me. “You deserve the world, and I can’t give it to you.” 

He pulled back, his words the only stable thing about him. 

“Don’t you understand? You are my world.”


	10. Simplicity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are complicated, but when were they simple?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to write with Peter again.  
> 

I was in the process of blending various fruit into some healthy concoction when he came up behind me, hands on my hips. “G’Morning doll.”  
I smiled, turning to face him. “Morning, are you alright?” “I am now.” His eyes were locked on mine, a smirk tugging at his lips. “I’m going into the gym after this, mind accompanying me?” “Gladly, sergeant.” I pecked his lips, my attention returning to my smoothie.  
After pouring it in a glass, I felt his hand go a bit lower than it should.  
“Hey! Hands up, Barnes.” “Couldn’t help myself.” He loomed over me, his hands leaving my hips. One cupped my cheek, his lips locking onto mine naturally. He kept me close for longer than I deemed necessary, pulling back. “Better watch yourself Buck.” “Same could be said for you.”  
I turned around to see the glass gone.  
I spun on my heels, watching Bucky walk away with my glass in his hands.  
“You fucking thief!” 

 

“You want me to help you?” “I don’t see why not. I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of having you join me to train.” He practically dragged me into the gym. Then again, I did agree to come, but that didn’t mean I wanted to.  
“Fine, I’ll help you, but you won’t like it.” “Whatever you say.” 

 

I sat on his back as he did push-ups.  
“Let’s go, you’ve got fifty more.” “You’re not as heavy as you look.” He laughed, his arms extended.  
“Fine, make it sixty. And…” I grabbed a fifty pound plate, setting it on his back. “Try that.”  
He slammed to the ground, grunting once he hit the mat. “Shit Y/N-“ “let’s go!” 

“Nope, not until you get ten reps in.” “This is 450 pounds, you want me to do this ten times?” “Did I fucking stutter Barnes?”  
He rolled his eyes, stepping back. “Fine, let’s see you lift this.” 

I scoffed, stepping in front of him. “My pleasure.” 

I coated my hands in chalk, grasping the bar.  
I could feel his eyes on me, I even heard him laugh.  
I managed to get the weight up, locking out. I met his eyes, dropping the bar to the floor.  
“And I don’t even have a metal arm. Let’s go, ten reps or we go back to push-ups.” 

“Now if you don’t get your ass up there and give me fifty pull ups in the next ten seconds, you’re doing burpees. Am I clear?”  
“Alright, damn! This isn’t quite what I expected when I asked for your help.”  
He grasped the bar, quickly getting through his reps.  
If I’m being honest, this was just an excuse to watch him. What can I say, I admire someone who’s willing to work their ass off. 

He dropped to the floor, staying flat against the mat. “Are we done?”  
“Nope. Now that you’re tired, we’re sparing.”  
“Oh hell no, that’s not okay.”  
I laughed, pulling him up. “Hey, if you can take me down while you’re tired, then you’ll be fine in a fight.” I dragged him into the mat, tying my hair back.  
“Ready?” “Maybe.” 

 

It took him about four tries.  
He finally swiped my feet, my body slamming onto the mat.  
I grunted as I made contact, laughing. “There you go Barnes.”  
I watched him straddle my hips, hands on either side. “Shut up. Thanks for the help.” “You’re welcome.”  
He kissed me yet again, my arms wrapping around his neck.  
Heat radiated off of him, his left arm practically steaming. I didn’t mind as much, considering I was kissing him regardless.  
After a few moments, I heard someone clear their throat.  
We both turned towards the source of the noise.  
“Excuse me, but it you could get off of my friend that would be nice.” Natasha smirked, sliding her phone into her pocket. “I’ll send that to you later Y/N. You’re welcome.”  
He stood up, pulling me to my feet.  
We left quickly, leaving Natasha to laugh by herself in the gym. 

 

“What are we?” 

I was in the midst of trying to pick something at a bakery for Peter’s birthday, Bucky behind me.  
“What do you mean ‘what are we’?” “I mean, what would you call us?”  
I turned around, placing a hand on his chest. “If I were to call you anything, it would be annoying. You think he likes peanut butter?” “Come on, I’m serious.” “Hi serious, I’m Y/N.”  
His groan was rewarding enough.  
I laughed, turning back around. “Let’s just pick out a cake for the damn kid, then we can have a discussion about what we are, okay?” “Fine. And considering he’s all excited about being with the big leagues, something red would definitely make his day.”  
I nodded, calling out to the woman behind the display shelf. 

 

“You do realize he’s 15.” “16, as of today. And let the kid enjoy it. Tony doesn’t need to know.” “16 is not a legal age to drink, Bucky!”  
He tried to get me to sneak him a beer in the box with his gift in it. Sorry, I’m not willing to get my ass beat by Tony.  
“Who said anything about it being legal?” “Bucky!”  
I taped the box shut, sticking my card on top.  
“Now, are we going to have a discussion or am I going to be left to wonder what we are by myself?” 

I turned around, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Well, what do you want to be?” “I don’t know, this isn’t really a familiar concept.”  
I smiled, sitting on the bed. “If you’d like to use labels, we could say we’re in a relationship.” “Bucky, that is the worst way you could possibly ask a person out.” I chuckled, letting him kiss me.  
“Sorry I didn’t plan this out.” He smiled. God I loved it when he smiled.  
“We don’t have to know what we are Bucky, let’s just be happy. We’ll figure it out when the time comes. We don’t have to know now.”  
I ran my hands through his hair as he kissed me for the hundredth time, enjoying this little moment.  
You don’t get many of those when you’re in this profession. 

 

“Peter, we need you at the tower now. I don’t have time to explain, just get here as soon as possible.” “I’m on my way Mr. Stark!”  
Tony hung up, shoving his phone into his pocket. “You do realize he might crash through the window, right?” “I’ll fix it, just get everything set in place please.”  
I’d never seen him so excited for something.  
I set the boxes together on the table, smiling to myself. “Bucky, please try not to kill him on his birthday.” “Why would you accuse me of such a thing?” “Because last time he was here you almost threw him into the lab.”  
He laughed quietly, pecking my cheek. “Fine, I’ll play nice.” 

 

After a few minutes, Peter burst through the door, in his full suit. “What’s wrong Mr. Stark? Is it Loki again?”  
“Surprise kid!” 

He looked around the room, taking off his mask.  
“What the…wait, how did you-“ “We’re the damn avengers, Peter. What did you expect?” “Clint! Watch it!” Steve, of course, had to keep things PG.  
We all shared a laugh, a smile on my face. “We just wanted to do something nice for you, Peter, is that a crime?”  
He took a step back. You could practically see his excitement bubbling up. “Thank you guys!”  
“Hey kid, enjoy it while you can. It’s not like we’ll be nice all the time-“ I elbowed Bucky, shooting him a glare. “I hope you like this, Peter.” “This is amazing!” This kid literally went around the room hugging people.  
Except Bucky. He just gave him a high five.  
“Well, let’s do birthday things kid.” 

 

After the whole cake and gifts thing (by the way, Tony loves one-upping all of us, but Peter still liked my sketchbook and gift card to a pizza place), we sat down to watch a movie.  
Peter sat between me and Steve, trying not to look like a six year old compared to all of us.  
Halfway through, Bucky got up to refill our drinks. I nudged Peter, trying to get his attention. “Hey Peter, I hope you had a nice birthday.” “It was great, thanks Y/N.” “You know it. You gotten into any trouble lately?” He shrugged, laughing nervously. “Only enough to keep the city safe. I did get scraped up a little bit on the way here.” “I’ll clean that up for you if you’d like once we’re done.” He nodded, smiling.  
Bucky came back, setting two glasses in front of us. I thanked him quietly, raising mine to take a drink.  
Peter glanced my way, but turned away once I looked at him.  
“You can have a sip if you’d like, don’t know if you’ll like it.”  
I handed him the glass, seeing him take a small drink.  
“I don’t know why I keep accepting your offers, this stuff doesn’t take all that great.” “It really doesn’t, but hey, there’s your high school initiation.” I laughed quietly, knocking his shoulder. I pretended not to notice him wincing. 

 

Once everyone dispersed, I led Peter up to my lab. “What happened?” “I sort of crashed into a truck on the way over. I didn’t mean to, but I thought the world was ending or something.”  
I peeled off his t-shirt, seeing a few scrapes and a cut or two on his torso.  
A large bruise was forming on his shoulder, already a deep purple.  
“Are you sure that’s what happened?”  
“Well…no.” He spoke quietly, trying to avoid my gaze.  
“Peter, what really happened?”  
“He got jumped.”  
I turned to see Bucky in the doorway. His arms were crossed over his chest. Peter looked down, clearly intimidated.  
“How would you-“ “I saw you on one of the security cameras in Tony’s lab. He doesn’t exactly keep it locked. Don’t worry, I deleted the footage, but I saw you get jumped. What the hell happened?”  
He looked up at me, speaking just below a whisper. “They took this lady’s purse, and I was just being your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, but these guys weren’t exactly willing to politely give it up. Please don’t tell Mr. Stark!”  
I sighed, dousing a gauze pad with alcohol. “I won’t, but please be more careful. It would crush Tony if something really bad happened to you.”  
He nodded, wincing as I cleaned out the cuts.  
“Thanks, Miss Y/N.” “You’re welcome Peter.”  
After a moment, he glanced up at Bucky. “Thank you.” “Hey, it’s not a problem.” 

 

I sent him home with an ice pack and a few bandaids, nothing too serious.  
Bucky and I were in my room, just enjoying each other’s company.  
“You really care about that kid.” “I am the one who patched him up after his suit malfunctioned. He’s a pretty nice person. Polite.” I smiled, turning towards Bucky. “Why are you so hesitant around him?” “I just don’t want to hurt the kid, you know?” I nodded, laying against his chest.  
“It’s hard not to be hesitant around people. I just don’t want to hurt anyone-“ “and you won’t. Bucky, you’re not going to break everything you touch.” I set a hand on his cheek, watching as he leaned into my touch. “And I promise, I’m not as fragile as I look.” 

He pulled me to his chest, sighing heavily. “What could we ever be?”  
“I’d like to think we could be happy.”


	11. Delicate Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t normally act like this, but when he did, god was it settling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry.

We decided to take a walk through the mall, after quite a bit of convincing on both parts. Besides, Bucky broke my fucking hairbrush and I needed a new one. We ended up going out covered just enough to keep us hidden from anyone who could know who we were.   
From the second we walked inside, he was stuck to my side. He held onto my hand with an iron grip, constantly looking around.   
“Buck, relax. Don’t get too worked up.”   
He nodded, taking a few deep breaths. “Relax, yeah. That’s really easy.”   
I turned to face him, tilting up his hat. “Hey, soldier, calm.”   
He nodded, bending down to kiss me.   
I set a hand on his cheek, smiling beneath his lips. Once he pulled back, he looked much more at ease.   
“There you go Bucky.”   
“Let’s just go.” 

We headed inside a Bath and Body Works. Bucky’s nose scrunched up once we walked in.   
“It smells like too many different things, how can you do this?” “You’re right, but each different thing smells nice.”   
He rolled his eyes, resting a hand on my hip. “I’m willing to bet that I can find something in here that smells horrendous, even to your blind nose.” “Fine. Loser buys lunch.” “You’re on.”   
And we both separated. 

 

He came up to me with various bottles, a smirk on his face. “How about this?”   
“Nope.”   
“This one?”   
“I love vanilla.”   
“How about this?”   
“Lavender, another favorite.”   
“You’ve got to hate this.”   
“Ginger? Really?”   
“COME ON!” 

I laughed, setting a hand on his shoulder. “You can’t do it, I like pretty much anything.”   
“Okay fine, what about this?”   
He put his hand over my eyes, sticking something beneath my nose.   
Good god.  
I pulled back, practically gagging. “What the hell is that?”   
“Perfume. It’s the worst one I could find. You didn’t specify what it had to be.”   
I coughed, doubling over. “Fine, you win.”   
He laughed in triumph, setting his gloved hand on my back. “Let’s just get something and get the hell out of here.”   
I nodded in agreement, standing up. 

I practically bounded up to him, a smile on my face. “Hey Buck, smell this.”   
He hesitantly put his nose up to the bottle, relaxing after he caught the aroma.   
“Pine.”   
“We’re definitely getting this.”   
He smiled, setting a hand on my cheek. “Do you even like pine that much?” “I’ve learned to love it. It smells like you.”   
He kissed my forehead softly, his other hand sliding around my waist. 

 

We got some Chinese food, my treat of course, and Bucky thoroughly enjoyed laughing at my misfortune.   
“Come on, I didn’t expect it to be that bad!”   
“Hey, Y/N, I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to get mad.”   
I nodded, leaning back in my chair. “Yes?” 

“I mixed a bunch of different ones together, but to be fair they were all pretty bad separately too.” 

I stopped cold, my hand clenching into a fist.   
“You what?”   
“Come on, you can’t stay mad at me!” “Yes I fucking can, you cheating bitch!” I sighed, glaring back at a laughing Bucky. 

 

“Hey, I’m going to go check something. Stay here, okay?” “I wouldn’t plan on doing anything else.”   
Bucky wandered off to another section of the Spencer’s, searching through some shitty t-shirts.   
My lips curved into a smile. I turned my attention to the set of mugs in front of me, trying to find one with a shield to give to Steve.   
I heard footsteps behind me, rolling my eyes. “You aren’t slick Bucky.”   
“Guess again sweetheart.”   
I turned around to see someone standing behind me, their bright hair framing their face in the most unflattering way possible.   
“Would it be a crime to ask you out to dinner?” “Actually, yes. Please take your offer and pitch it to someone with a bit more tolerance. Whoever you keep company will need it.”   
They rolled their eyes, scoffing. “I’m trying to be nice, why can’t you just give me a chance? I clearly deserve it. It’s not like you’ve got a boyfriend or anything.”   
“Listen douchebag-“   
“The only thing you deserve is my foot up your ass.” Bucky slid his arm around my waist, setting his hand on my waist. “Boyfriend here, nice to meet you, now take your shit choice in pick-up lines and get the fuck out before I make you.”   
They backed off, walking away to bother another. 

I glanced up at Bucky, scoffing.   
“I can’t leave you anywhere, can I Y/N?” “I guess not.”   
We left the store, heading for the next place. 

 

On the way back to the tower, I figured it was better to ask now than not at all.   
“So, boyfriend huh?”   
He sighed, chuckling lightly.   
“Is that okay? Or should I say ‘pain in your ass’?”   
I turned towards him, a smile tugging at my lips. “Both are fitting.”   
Bucky smiled too, slamming his lips into mine.   
He kissed me with more force than expected, but I didn’t mind. It didn’t even register that we were standing right outside the tower, or that Natasha and Steve were gawking through the window. 

It also didn’t register that my shirt was currently soaked with blood. 

I glanced down, the pain finally registering.   
Bucky followed my eyes, pulling back quickly. “Holy shit-Y/N!”   
He shoved me inside, pulling out a pistol from his waistband.   
I watched with blurry eyes as he closed the door and walked towards me. “Hey, Y/N, talk to me here. You’re going to be just fine. You and I are going upstairs and we’re getting Steve to help, okay? Just talk to me for a little bit.”   
I didn’t notice that I was in his arms.   
We were inside an elevator, at least it looked like it.   
I think I was shaking. I couldn’t tell. Nothing was really clear.   
“Y/N, I just need you to hold on for a little bit. You’re going to be fine, just fine.”   
His hands were pressed to my stomach. I looked up at his right shoulder.   
I couldn’t see anything distinct, but I saw the red smudges.   
“You’re bleeding.” “I’m okay, I just need you to stay awake. I love you.” “I love you too Buck.” 

I heard the door open, but I didn’t see anything past that.   
I let the throbbing pain shove me under. 

If that was it, I had a fine choice of last words. 

 

Wouldn’t you agree?


	12. What’s the Damage?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath is often worse than the event, but this doesn’t happen to be the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky being worried, and involved Peter yet again. What more could you want?

I was in my own lab.  
Everything was too bright. It smelled like bleach. I heard someone talking. 

“I don’t think I can do this without you.” 

I shoved my eyes open, glancing around the room.  
Bruce was putting things in the right shelves, mumbling to himself.  
Steve was in the corner, but started walking towards me.  
And Bucky was next to me, his head on my side. The uninjured one, of course.  
His hand was entangled with mine, gripping it as if I’d float off.  
I squeezed back, smiling. “Come on you big baby, I’m alive.” 

He looked up at me with his mouth agape.  
His eyes were irritated. He’d been crying. Wet tracks trailed down his cheeks.  
I ran my thumb across them, attempting to wipe them away.  
I had an IV in.  
“What’s going on?”  
Steve set a hand on my arm, speaking in a hushed tone. “You got shot. Some HYDRA agent, Bucky took them down. You’ve been out for a few hours. We called Bruce in to get the bullet out.”  
Bruce waved, now facing me as well. “It was an inch or two from your kidney. I thought we’d have to remove it, but it just tore through some muscle.”  
I nodded, glancing back at Bucky. He still hadn’t let go of my hand.  
“Oh come on, it’s like a morgue in here! I’m alright, aren’t I? Why the long faces?” 

Silence. 

After a moment, Bruce spoke up.  
“You flatlined in the middle of the procedure. It took three minutes to get you stable. You were technically dead for about two.” 

Bucky looked back up at me, his voice broken.  
“We almost lost you. Tony’s driving himself nuts outside, he’s been pacing for an hour.” He took a deep breath, squeezing my hand again.  
“We thought you were gone.”  
I rested my other hand on top of his, offering a smile. “I’m alright Bucky, promise. I’ve done worse. I’ll be okay, I promise.”  
He nodded, kissing my cheek. “I love you.”  
“I love you too.” 

We were interrupted by Bruce cutting in. “Hold on, you two are a thing now?” “How did you not see that coming?” Steve laughed, heading for the door. “I’m going to let everyone know you’re okay.” 

“Why don’t I do it myself?” I started taking off the tape over the IV, Bruce rushing over. “I don’t think so. You’re on bed rest for at least a week.” “What the hell? Why?”  
Bucky groaned, standing up. “Because you had surgery, and you got fucking shot. You’re staying in bed until you heal up.” I sighed, grasping his hand tighter. “Fine. But once that week is up-“ “yeah yeah, we know hothead. Let’s just get you to bed, okay?” 

I let him pick me up, considering he refused to let me out of his sight on the way there.  
“It’s safer.”  
Sure, having a six foot tall cyborg carry you with an IV attached is much safer. 

I didn’t realize he was wincing until he put me down.

I dealt with the influx of visitors better than I expected to, considering I had Bucky next to me the entire time.  
Once everyone had cleared out, I was left with Natasha, Wanda, and Bucky still with me.  
Both women had brought me coffee (they know me quite well), sticking around to keep an eye on me.  
A few people were upset, but none of them could measure up to Tony. He was in the midst of having a heart attack, talking a million miles an hour.  
‘If you ever do that again I swear to god-I can’t lose my best right hand-if you pull another stunt like this-I know it wasn’t your fault but-please just don’t get shot again’, and so on. I was worried he’d put me back on House arrest again, but all he did was ask if I’d like to help make my uniform bulletproof.  
“Tony, I’m not having you make me an iron suit.” “But that would be amazing!” 

 

I was about to shoo the women out, when I heard a knock.  
Wanda opened it, revealing an apprehensive Peter. “Miss Y/N? Is it okay if I…well, you let me in so…I got you a candle! I know you like them so I thought you might like it while you’re recovering.  
I smiled, accepting the small candle. “Thank you Peter. Have a seat.” I motioned towards the bed, watching as he slowly sat down. “Do you feel okay?” “Considering I got shot I feel great.” I laughed.  
He forced one.  
I set the candle on the bedside table next to the coffee cups.  
“Are you alright Peter? How’s that bruise?”  
“I’m alright Y/N, I’d rather make sure you’re doing good.” He glanced at Bucky, waving slightly. “Hello Mr. Barnes.” “You can call me Bucky, kid.” He nudged his shoulder, leaning across the bed to do so.  
I smiled, watching the two interact.  
“So, how’s school going?” 

 

“It was so cool! It just started spraying this cool foam stuff everywhere, and one kid stuck his hand in it and it burned, that kind of sucked but it was so freaking cool!”  
I laughed lightly. “I’m glad you’re enjoying your science course Peter.” “Speaking of science, I have some homework to finish. Is it okay if I-“ “Peter, never ask a scientist for permission to go do your homework. Have a great night, and thank you for visiting me Spider-Boy.” He smiled, wrapping his arms around me.  
After a moment, he whispered something that was barely audible.  
“Your boyfriend is terrifying.”  
I felt a laugh press past my lips, my cheeks aching from smiling so much.  
He pulled back, patting my shoulder. “Have a good day Miss Y/N, feel better!” “I’ll certainly try, bye Peter.”  
He left through the fucking window.  
I shook my head, Bucky laughing too.

Wanda and Natasha left after a while, leaving Bucky and I alone. He still looked at me like I had a broken leg.  
“Bucky, I’m fine. Just get changed and get your ass in this bed before I drag you into it.”  
He took a moment, speaking softly.  
“You died Y/N. You were legally dead for two minutes. How can you just be okay with it?”  
I set my hand on his cheek, feeling the heat beneath my palm.  
“Bucky, I’ve been pronounced dead at least three times in my life, and I’ve come back each one. The universe just doesn’t want me gone. And I’m alive, aren’t I? There’s nothing to worry about. And besides, even if I wasn’t okay, there’s always a way to get better.”  
He kissed my hand, setting his on top of mine. “I love you.” “You’ve told me that at least forty times today.” “And I meant it each one.”  
He leaned into my touch, sighing. “Are you really okay with walking around with me? I’m hunted. I don’t want you to get shot again.”  
“I won’t-“ my eyes trailed to his shoulder.  
There was something beneath his shirt.  
“Hey Buck, take your shirt off, would you?”  
“It’s cold as hell in here, I’d rather not.” He laughed, pulling back.  
“Take it off Buck. I won’t ask again.”  
He hesitantly pulled his shirt off, tossing is towards the laundry basket across the room.  
“My god…”  
He had a large gauze pad taped to his shoulder, parts of it a bit red.  
“Bucky, what happened?” “I just got grazed when I was taking you inside, it’s nothing.” I grasped his hand, pulling him onto the bed. My fingers trailed the tape.  
“This isn’t a graze. You got shot.” “And it went straight through, it’ll heal.” I kept my eyes on his shoulder. That pit in my stomach came back.  
“Bucky, why didn’t you tell me?” “You've had a decently busy day, you deserved a bit to process what was going on.” He grabbed my hand, holding it within his own.  
I sighed, glancing up at him. “Just tell me when things happen, okay?”  
He nodded, kissing my forehead. “Let’s get some sleep, alright?” I agreed, glancing at the candle Peter gave me. 

Pine. 

I looked up at Bucky, a smile tugging at my lips. “You’re driving me insane Barnes, but if we go crazy, we’re going crazy together.”


	13. House Arrest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky’s hesitant to let you out of his sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some minor bloody descriptions at the end. 
> 
>  
> 
> THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS AND KUDOS AND ALL THAT SHIT I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!

It was one long week. 

Bucky refused to let me out of his sight. He stayed with me throughout the week. Natasha and Wanda checked in with me on occasion (and brought me coffee). Peter came back to ask for my help on his homework a few times. Tony checked in every few hours to make sure I wasn’t dead. It took some major convincing to get Bruce to let me take care of redressing it, which Bucky eventually forced me to hand over.   
And by forced I mean he bribed me with a bag of skittles and letting me take care of his shoulder. 

By the following Friday, Bruce gave me the all clear, but said I wasn’t allowed to do anything ‘strenuous’ for another week until it healed up enough to take the stitches out.   
I agreed, knowing it would be worse to pop a stitch than to wait a few days. 

 

Bucky absolutely lost it when Tony called him for a mission.   
“I can’t just leave you here, what if someone tries to break it? What if someone does break in and you get shot again? I can’t just walk out that door and leave you here in this condition-“ “Bucky, I swear I’m about to deck you.”   
I took his hand, placing it on my side. “I need you to understand that I’ll be okay. I’m almost healed up, and then I’ll be back in the field with you. Just go with Tony and Clint, I’ll be fine. I have Wanda here with me in case anything goes South. I’ll be okay, I promise.”   
He kissed me quickly, squeezing my shoulder. “Don’t do anything stupid, okay?” “How can I? You’re leaving.”   
He rolled his eyes, smiling. “I love you.”   
“And I love you. Now stop procrastinating and get in that helicopter before I drag you into it myself.”   
He nodded, kissing me one more time.   
I smiled beneath his lips, letting him hold me against him.   
After a few moments, Tony interrupted. “Could I interject? We need to leave now Barnes.”   
“Yeah yeah, I’m coming. I’ll see you tonight, okay?”   
I nodded, pecking his cheek. “Be safe.” “I’ll certainly try.”   
He reluctantly went out the door, leaving with the two men. 

I was so scared he wasn’t going to come back. Or that he would come back, but with one too many marks.   
If he did, I’d be the one to fix him up. Bruce left. 

 

“I don’t know, Bucky’s real hesitant in crowded places. I don’t blame him.” “Then we’ll go somewhere a bit more relaxed. Not too many people. I think I’d be nice.” Wanda smiled, scarlet flames licking up the sides of her fingers.   
She’d proposed a double date with her and Vision, which I hesitantly accepted. I’d have to make sure Bucky was okay with it, but he hasn’t seen Vision in a while either. I’m sure he’d like spending an evening somewhere other than the tower.   
“I’ve only seen him wear a tie once, so I don’t know if fancy would be a good idea.”   
“Hey, we can figure it out as we go along, we’ve got time-“   
My phone went off.   
I glanced at the caller ID, relaxing once I saw it was Bucky.   
I answered relatively quick.   
“Hey there.” “Hey doll, are you doing okay? Anything happen?”   
I sighed, glancing at Wanda. “We’re fine, Buck. Nothing has happened since this morning, except for Peter trying to bribe me into doing his homework.” “I’m not surprised.” I heard him laugh.   
My lips curled into a smile.   
“I love you doll.” “I love you too, Buck. How’s things with Clint and Iron Prick?” “Hey, you’re on speaker!” Tony cut in, earning a laugh from me.   
“Things are okay, we’re on the way to the building. I just wanted to check in while I had ti-“   
Gunshots.   
I heard   
Gunshots.

I gripped my phone, my hand clamped over my mouth. “Buck, what’s going on? Are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m fine-oh my god, Y/N, I love you-“   
The line went dead.   
“Bucky? Bucky!” That hole in my chest loved coming back, didn’t it?   
“James!”   
I didn’t get an answer. I hung up, feeling tears spill from my eyes.   
Wanda ended up next to me at one point, her arms wrapped around my shaking form.   
“He’ll get out. He always does. It’ll be fine.”   
I leaned into her embrace, letting my sobs shove past my throat. 

 

I hadn’t heard from them that entire day.   
Nobody had. 

I was pacing in the living room, my hands clasped together.   
“Y/N, I think you need to relax-“ “relax? Rogers, I think you need to take a step back and look at what happened. They could be dead. Dead, Rogers. I know you came back, but that doesn’t mean they will.” 

I started getting choked up again.   
In front of the entire team.   
Steve hugged me, speaking quietly. “He’ll come back.”   
“I can’t be sure.” 

We sat there in silence. 

 

“I’m turning in. Goodnight-“ “Steve, you slept for seventy years, I think you can spare a few more minutes.” I had my eyes glued to the door. I hadn’t moved for the past hour.   
I knew I should have.   
But what if I missed them?  
“Y/N, either they’ll show up or they won’t, but you can’t just-“ 

The elevator door opened.   
Tony and Clint had Bucky’s arms over their shoulders, holding him up.   
They were all pretty scruffed up. Tony had a few red marks that would bruise later. Clint had some scrapes but nothing too bad.   
Bucky looked like someone had thrown him into a blender.   
He had what looked to be a black eye (bruised quickly), some small cuts here and there, and a t-shirt wrapped around his leg. 

“Could we get some help doll?”


	14. Recollection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s familiar.   
> It’s been done before.   
> And this time is no different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some bloody descriptions, a small thing at the end. Once again, read at your own discretion.

I threw open the door to the lab, Tony and Clint setting him on the table.   
“Get Steve in here. Now.”   
Clint ran off, Tony glancing at my side. “Are you sure-“ “Tony, go take care of whatever happened to you. I need to work.”   
He simply nodded, leaving the room.   
Steve almost ran in.   
“Get anything bloody off of him.” I threw on my gloves, setting bottles and tools on the tray beside the table.   
I wasn’t ready for what I saw when I turned around.   
His leg had a huge gash in the side of it, maybe three inches long. He had small chunks of glass in his right arm, some bruises, and of course, that black eye.   
I wanted to scream.   
“Hey Buck, can you stay awake? Just talk to me.”   
He gazed up at me, clearly exhausted. “Your side.” “I’ll be fine, I just need you to stay awake. Once you’re fixed up, you can sleep through the week. Just please stay awake, okay?”   
He nodded, gripping my hand. “I love you.” “I love you too Buck.” 

 

I took out the numbing agent, glancing over at Steve. ‘Distract him.’ I mouthed, cleaning off his sliced leg.   
“Hey Buck, what happened that got you so banged up?”   
He looked up at the ceiling, grabbing Steve’s arm. “We were driving towards the base when some decided to hit the van before it got there. Clint and Tony were in the front, I was in the back reloading magazines. They got out before it rolled, I got stuck. Knife got my leg, I went through window, and then we had to deal with the jackasses that shot at us-“   
He stopped when I injected the anesthesia, pulling out the needle. “It should go numb in a minute or two.   
He nodded, digging his fingers into Steve’s bicep.   
“How’d you get a black eye?” “How do you think?”   
I nodded, setting a cold pack over his eye. “This will all be healed in a few days, but I still need to close this before it gets infected.” “Just get it over with, I’ll be fine.” 

This seemed all too familiar. 

 

About halfway through the stitches, he started falling asleep.   
“Hey, soldier, stay up. I can’t have you blacking out on me.” “I know, I know.” It came out as a groan through his clenched teeth.   
“What’s going on? Talk to me here.”   
“Numbing agents wear off quicker.” Steve interjected, handing Bucky a bottle of water.   
“Here, let me-“ “it’s fine, just keep going.”   
I rolled my eyes, squeezing his arm. “I know you hate this, but it’s worse to just let me do them cold.”   
He nodded, his breaths quickening.   
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re going to be fine. I need you to relax your leg.”   
He tried, but part of it was still tensed up.   
“Buck, I need you to relax your leg. Here, count to ten for me. Really slow.”   
He nodded, his words mumbled.   
About halfway through, he relaxed.   
I cringed as I pressed the needle in, hearing him groan.   
“I’m sorry, just breathe.”   
He reached for Steve’s bruised arm, holding it a bit too tight.   
After I set the needle on the table, he relaxed.   
“You better be careful. You might crush Captain America.” I smiled, kissing his cheek. “Calm down Buck, I’m almost done.” 

 

I had maybe two left when he fell asleep.   
I quickly finished the stitches, shaking him harshly. “Bucky, get up. I’m really close to finishing, just wake up.”   
Steve nudged me aside, pulling up his sleeve. “I wouldn’t watch this is I were you.”   
I turned around before Steve slapped him.   
Just shot up, gripping the edge of the table. “Hey, what the fuck was that for?!” “You fell asleep.” Steve shrugged, laughing slightly. “Just let the lady finish, then you can sleep it off.”   
He sighed, leaning back. “Y/N, I’m fine. I don’t have to-“   
“What day of the week is it?”   
He stopped, glancing at the clock that reflected well past midnight.   
“Technically, it’s Sunday.”   
“Now, what’s your full name?”   
“James Buchanan Barnes.”   
“What was your rank?”   
“Sergeant.”   
“Can you tell me Steve’s middle name?”   
“Grant.”   
“What unit did you serve in?”   
“107th.”   
“I think you’re fine.”   
He sighed again, holding the cold pack to his eye. “Am I good?”   
“Let me get the glass out of your arm and we can go.”   
I pulled out some tweezers, strapping his right arm down. “Just precaution, I don’t want you to mess it up.”   
“Wow, thanks.” He turned towards Steve, trying to start a conversation. 

 

I set the last piece of glass on the tray, cleaning off his arm with alcohol. “You’re all set. Let me clean up and we can-“ “I’ll do it Y/N.”   
Steve shrugged, a laugh erupting from my lips.   
“Steve, you don’t know how I have things set up.” “I’ve seen Bruce do it all the time, I think I can figure it out.”   
I sighed, throwing away my gloves. “Fine. But if I come down here tomorrow and anything is even remotely cracked-“ “it’ll be fine. Take him to bed already.” 

I sighed, pulling him arm over my shoulders. “You heard the man.” 

 

“Take it easy, alright?” “Yeah yeah, I know.” He leaned back in the bed, groaning. “I’ll be okay, go clean up your lab.” “Nope, I’m staying in here with you.” I tossed him a t-shirt, throwing out old coffee cups.   
“Are you okay Buck?” “You just sewed me up, I think I’m good-“   
“That’s not what I meant.” 

He sighed, pulling me into bed. “It was decently hard trying not to fuck up. It just a brought everything forward, yet again. I almost stabbed myself in the arm trying not to snap.”   
I set my hand on his thigh.   
“Is that what happened with your leg? Just randomly getting caught by a knife isn’t exactly practical.”   
He glanced up at me, meeting my eyes.   
“It was Tony. I asked him to. I didn’t want to mess up this mission, and that seemed to work.”   
I set my other hand on his cheek, rubbing circles into the skin with my thumb. “You could’ve told me.” “Not with Steve in the room. He would have lost it.”   
I shrugged, nodding in agreement. “To be fair, I would have too.”   
He leaned down, inches from my lips. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”   
“You didn’t have to do anything to deserve love, Bucky.”   
He closed the gap.   
I moved onto his lap, straddling his hips. His hands rested on my waist, teeth grazing my bottom lip.   
I let him have his way, running my hands through his hair.   
His lips moved down towards my jawline, taking my skin between his teeth.   
His hands moved underneath my shirt, gripping my sides.   
A small moan was held behind my lips, hands gripping his hair.   
“Buck-“   
He moved his hands up. His fingertips grazed my skin, shocking my skin.   
“Bucky.”   
He pulled me into his chest, wincing slightly.   
“Bucky, hold on.” 

He pulled back, resting a hand on my cheek. “Are you okay?” “I’m fine, I just don’t want to hurt you.” “You won't sweetheart.” He smiled softly, his thumb grazing my cheek. “Hey, if you don’t want to do anything we don’t have to.” “Let’s just get some sleep, okay?”   
He nodded, laying back with me in his arms.   
I gazed around the dark room, by eyelids heavy with exhaustion. I let my body sink into sleep, but not before hearing him mumble something. 

 

“I don’t deserve you.”


	15. Bandaids and Bite Marks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the mission.   
> But some things weren’t said in complete honesty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point everything is a mess.

He nudged me awake around four.   
I immediately sat up, reaching for the light. “Are you okay?” “If I say yes will you believe me?”   
I clicked on the lamp, dull light flooding the room. 

He offered a weak smile, avoiding my eyes. “Is there a chance you heard anything I said in my sleep?” “Not really, I was passed out. Why?” “It’s not important.”   
He pulled me towards him. I rested my palms against his back, sighing softly. “How bad was it?” “Worse than usual. HYDRA.” I felt him gripping my shirt.  
“Take a breath, you’ll be okay.”   
I let him vent.   
He went on about what happened, his voice cracking occasionally. I could tell he wasn’t exactly comfortable, but wasn’t exactly forcing himself to talk.   
My heart broke at his last sentence.   
“I can’t trust myself around anyone, I break everything I touch.” 

I took his hand in mine, squeezing tightly. “We’ve been over this, you don’t break everything you touch. What you did was in no way you’re fault, you were wiped.”   
“But I still did it-“ “bullshit. You haven’t done anything you didn’t have to. That was the Winter Soldier. Not you. Not the Bucky I know.”   
He looked up at me, his hands entangled with mine.   
“How could you love someone as fucked up as me?” “We’re both a little fucked up. It balances out.” 

 

We managed to get just enough sleep to be able to function.   
I was downstairs, fixing myself a cup of coffee. 

“Wow, what the hell is that?”   
I whipped around to see Natasha laughing.   
“What do you mean? This is goddamn coffee-“ “I meant the mark on your neck. Did Mister Tough Guy give you a hickey?”   
I didn’t notice. But then again, I didn’t really check my reflection.   
“No, it’s just from trying to work last night. I managed to-“ “um, no. That’s a bite mark sweetheart. You’re awful at hiding these things.” She smirked, crossing her arms. “I’d recommend not letting Stevie see, he’d lose his shit.”   
“Thanks Nat.” I rolled my eyes, grabbing my cup. “I’ll see you-“ “oh, almost forgot. Tony made some modifications to your uniform, asked if you’d check it out with him tonight.”   
I nodded, heading for the elevator. “Alright, I’ll check in with him later.” 

 

“I’m fine, it’s just a little sore.” “I’m not letting you train with Steve.” I sat beside him on the bed.   
What the hell was he thinking?   
“It’s just some sparing. Nothing too serious-“ “you could still fuck up your stitches, wait a day or two. When it closes up, I’ll take them out and you can go back to doing whatever the hell it is that you want to do.”   
He sighed, reaching for my hand. “Fine, I’ll be patient. But you have to rest too. Your side is still healing.” “Then let’s recover together. That sound alright?” He nodded, a smile on his face. “We can watch that shit horror movie you’ve been wanting to see.” “Gladly.” 

 

We were curled up on the couch, watching the screen intently.   
“Oh my god, this is incredibly stupid. First of all-their timing is shit, they don’t understand that you can’t just expect people to adhere to rules when it’s a no-law period, and what the fuck is with the masks? If you’re going to kill them might as well let them know who the fuck it is.” “This isn’t supposed to make sense Buck.” I laughed, leaning into his side. I pulled at the bandaid on my neck, hating the feeling of adhesive irritating my skin.   
I went to grab his hand, but he pulled it away.   
“You alright?” “Yeah, just-other one.” He slipped his right hand into mine, his gaze not breaking.   
I sighed, leaning across his lap to take his hand. “Your metal hand is cold. I’m hot. It works.”   
He hesitantly laced his fingers with mine, sighing. “Why are you so infatuated with this thing?” “It’s part of you. I like it.”   
He sighed, pressing his lips into my forehead. “You’re a fucking dork.” “But you love me anyways.” “That I do.” 

 

After Bucky passed out, I went down to Tony’s lab.   
He was waiting there for me, taking out my suit.   
“The torso is bulletproof, I put the metal sheets in-between the leather layers. It’s not as stiff, and has straps on the sides for knife sheaths. Anything that could be a slight inconvenience has been taken care of.”   
I smiled, taking the suit into my hands. I ran my fingers over the leather, admiring the modifications.   
“How’s lover-boy?”   
I sighed, setting the uniform on the table.   
“He’s fine, would’ve been better if you hadn’t stabbed him in the leg.” 

“What?” 

I felt a laugh push past my lips.   
“You know, to keep him stable? He said you’re the one who stabbed him, but hey, desperate measures. I’d just prefer if you used a slightly less damaging method.” 

There was thick silence. 

 

“I never did that. I didn’t have a knife in my hand once.”


	16. Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things will be revealed in the fullness of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IS NSFW IN THIS CHAPTER AT THE END  
> SORRY IT’S SO BAD BUT IT’S THERE  
> SKIP OR DON’T

‘Hey Clint, it’s Y/N. I’m just calling to ask you for a mission report, since I need it to finish my files. Can I meet with you around, say, 6? I’d like it to be a rather closed meeting if you don’t mind. Thanks.’ 

 

I’m not a convincing liar, but Clint didn’t need much convincing.  
I was waiting in my office, filling out a few forms for Fury. When I heard the door open, I set the folder aside.  
“Oh, hey Clint.” “Hey. I’ve got that report you wanted. Mind if I just leave it with you? I’ve got something I need to get done-“ I smiled, scoffing. “Nonsense, this will only take a minute or two. Would you mind closing that door? And lock it if you don’t mind, I’d rather not have everyone know about these medical files. Confidential, you know?”  
He nodded, doing as I asked. “Didn’t think you were really that uptight about-“ 

“Tell me exactly what happened on that mission. Don’t leave a single thing out. I know you’re hiding something.”  
I leaned back in my chair, my voice holding a certain strictness I didn’t know I retained.  
“Woah, calm down there Y/N. You don’t have to-“ “I want you to tell me what the fuck happened to Bucky’s leg, and why he told me Tony was the one to do it instead of you.”  
Clint backed up, hands going over the doorknob. “Okay, you need to relax. I didn’t do anything. I don’t have a single damn idea what you’re talking about.” I stood up, walking over to him.  
“I want the truth and nothing except. Preferably now. What the hell happened to his leg on that mission?” 

He sighed, seating himself in one of the chairs in front of the desk. “Sit down, please? I’ll explain.” 

I sat in my chair, leaning back. “Please do.” 

 

“He had just gotten out of the van. I could tell something was a bit off. He looked pretty tense. He kept looking around like something was coming for him. Eventually he leaned up against the van, muttering something that didn’t make sense. It was probably in Russian.” He took a break, sighing heavily.  
“I watched him stab himself in the fucking leg. After that he calmed down, though. He screamed, yes, but he calmed down. He wiped the blood off on his pant leg, leaving the knife under the van. I think it was the Winter Soldier thing, but I didn’t really want to ask. When you see somebody stab themself to stop from murdering everyone around them you don’t usually ask about it. I went over to help, but I don’t think he knew I saw anything.” 

 

I didn’t want to believe it, but what other choice did I have? I knew it was probably a desperate decision, but that didn’t make it any better.  
Clint leaned back in the chair, exasperated. “Could I get back? I really have to take care of some things.” “Sure, you’re good. Thank you Clint, I really appreciate it.”  
He nodded, hugging me before he left. 

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!”  
I stormed into the room, seeing him reading.  
He automatically dropped the book, standing up.  
He leaned onto his right leg.  
“What the hell-Y/N, what’s wrong?”  
“What’s wrong is you stabbed yourself in the fucking leg and lied to my face!”  
He stepped back, hesitantly laughing. “I didn’t? I told you, I asked Tony-“ “oh bullshit! I asked him myself. Clint too. He told me what really happened. You fucking lied to me.” I walked over to him, fucking fuming.  
You could say I was a bit pissed off.  
“You don’t have any idea how much it hurts to hear that you a-lied and b-stabbed yourself in the fucking leg. Why didn’t you tell me?!” “Because I knew you’d do this!” He took a step back.  
“I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t risk losing it in front of Tony and Clint. I would’ve fucked up the entire operation. I didn’t have any other choice-“ “you did. But you didn’t take it.” I felt tears boiling in my eyes, begging to spill over.  
I wouldn’t let them.  
“You lied to me. You fucking lied to me. And all because you didn’t want me to get pissed? Of course I’m going to get pissed! That was a bit too much considering the circumstances. You could have killed yourself! Do you realize what could’ve happened?” “But it didn’t! I’m okay! I just had to get myself grounded, and that seemed like the only way to do it.”  
I stepped back, red streams flowing down my face.  
“You could’ve at least told me yourself.” 

I stormed out, heading for Steve’s room. 

 

“Y/N, he doesn’t want to upset you. That’s why he didn’t tell you-“ “that made it so much worse. I just want to help.” I leaned on his shoulder, accepting that my makeup was smeared.  
“It’s sort of hard to help. He doesn’t want to accept it. He’s awful with accepting help, I would know. You need to edge it on.”  
I sighed, glancing at the wall. “When did things get so complicated?”  
“Were they ever simple?” 

 

I stayed to talk with Steve for a while, eventually going back to my room to be alone.  
Apparently that wasn’t an option.  
Bucky was sitting on my bed.  
“Bucky, please get out.” “No. We’re going to talk.”  
I opened the door, avoiding his gaze. “I don’t want to talk-“ “well we need to. This isn’t something we can ignore anymore.”  
He stood up, making an attempt to walk towards me.  
He stumbled.  
I caught him before he hit the floor.

“Sweetheart, can we just talk? I want to clear everything up. Myself.”  
I sighed, nodding. “Okay.” 

 

“I didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted to get it over with. It was a stupid decision that I should have thought over, but I was desperate. I couldn’t risk another relapse of that shit. That’s the closest I’ve come to breaking ever since the last attack on New York. I didn’t want to fuck it all up.”  
I nodded, setting my hand on top of his. “We can’t really fix what we’ve already done, but we can fix what we do next time. Find something that grounds you that doesn’t involve injury. I’ll help you if you’d like.”  
He grasped my hand within his own.  
“I’d like that.” 

 

After a few minutes, he spoke up.  
“You.”  
“I what?”  
“You keep me grounded. You’ve smelled like vanilla and pine ever since the first week I met you. Now anytime I smell either it helps.”  
I nodded, a smile forming. “I’ll get you something that smells like vanilla. That way when things go south that can help.” “Or you can just stay with me.”  
I kissed his cheek, keeping him pressed against me. “That works for me.” 

 

I ran my fingers through his hair, pulling my hand back almost instantly. “Shower. Now.”  
“Doll, it’s late-“ “you’re getting a shower. Okay?”  
He nodded, glancing down at his leg. “Alright.”  
He limped into the bathroom, kissing me before he went in. “Pine or vanilla?” “Your choice.” 

 

I was reading when he came back in.  
“Sorry, I just needed to get some clothes.” 

I forgot I was in his room. 

He had a towel wrapped around his bare waist, clinging to his skin.  
His chest remained bare, steam glistening underneath the small amount of light available. His hair was swept back, slick with water.  
My cheeks felt hot.  
“What’s the hurry?” I set my book down, standing up to meet him.  
He kept one hand on his waist, the other cupping my cheek. Our lips met, my restraint melting away. A warm knot formed in my stomach, my hands pressed to his chest. His tongue ran over my bottom lip, his hand tangling itself in my hair.  
I pulled him closer as his lips travelled down to my neck, leaving new marks next to faded ones. I held back a soft groan, fingers digging into his shoulders.  
He pulled back, meeting my eyes.  
“I need to hear you say this is okay.”  
“Yes. God yes.” 

I was pushed onto the bed.  
My clothes were off fast.  
He was on top of me faster.  
I ran my nails down his back, Bucky trailing down to my bare chest.  
“Say it.”  
My words were muffled by moans as he bit down, leaving red patches that would bruise later.  
“I said say it.”  
“I want you.”  
“You want me to what, doll?”  
I practically melted.  
“I want you to show me what that fucking arm can do.”  
He groaned in pleasure. “Whatever you say doll.” 

He felt cold.  
My words were a mess, mumbled by groans and expressions of pleasure. His hips were pressed against my own, his hands gripping my waist. “You feel so good doll.” He groaned softly, pushing his body against mine.  
I shoved our lips together. I tried to muffle my moans, but that didn’t work so well. 

“Fu-Bucky I-“ I almost screamed, grabbing onto him for dear life. Soon after, my name rolled off his tongue in the form of a loud moan.  
My name sounded much better coming from his mouth.  
He collapsed beside me, pulling me on top of him. “You’re fucking beautiful, doll. God I love you.”  
I gave a lazy smile, kissing him quickly. “I love you Barnes.”  
I laid on his chest, gasping for air. “We really should have done this a while ago.” “Definitely.” 

 

In the midst of all this, I realized he smelled like vanilla.


	17. Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can’t go up without at one point being down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning-panic attack  
> Five things method, because that’s what I use.

Things were getting better. 

We usually just alternated rooms, but always slept in the same bed. It was comforting to know he was there if I needed him, and he was close if he needed me.   
His leg healed up nicely, as did my side.   
Things were starting to get better.   
But you can’t go up without looking down a few times. 

 

We were having a sort of movie day, since Peter had semester finals in a few days and Tony wanted to give him a chance to relax. Of course, he was getting a few papers done in the meantime, asking for help on occasion.   
But something was off.   
Bucky seemed distant, like he was zoning out constantly.   
I’d asked what was wrong, but I just got a nod or a ‘yes, I’m alright’. I knew if he needed help he’d ask.   
Right?

“I’ll go get us some drinks.”   
He quickly left the room, leaving me beside Peter.   
“Hey, can you help me balance this equation?” 

I stayed to help him, but I started to get worried after Bucky didn’t come back.   
“Hey Peter, have Bruce help you. I’ll be back in a moment.” 

I stepped into the kitchen, trying to keep a smile on. “Hey, what’s the…hold up…” 

Bucky was leaning on the counter, his hands gripping the edge.   
I swear I saw part of the marble chip off.   
He was breathing heavily, muttering a few words in Russian.   
I almost ran to the nearby bathroom, digging through the cabinet to find the small bottle of pine lotion I kept in there.   
I found it behind a bottle of sedatives.  
I put some on my hands, quickly going back to the kitchen. 

Stopping a few meters back, I spoke up.   
“Hey Bucky? What’s going on?” 

He looked up at me. His jaw was clenched, his lip raw from biting it.   
I stepped forward, putting my hands on his shoulders. “Bucky, take a deep breath.”   
He tried. He really did. But things were getting the best of him.   
“Hey Buck, pine. There’s pine. You smell it?”   
He nodded slightly.   
“Good. Just try and take a few deep breaths. You have to breathe.” 

He backed up, his hands running through his hair. “I can’t-I just-I can’t breathe. God I can’t breathe-“ “Bucky, calm down. Hey, just take a seat. Sit down on the floor, okay?” I slowly pulled him to the floor, laying him against the cool tile.   
“Hey, we’re going to try something to calm you down. Is that okay?”   
He nodded, desperate for air.   
“Bear with me, alright? What’s five things you can see?”   
He looked up at me, choking out his words. “I see you…and that, that awful mug Steve likes…” he looked around, frantic at this point. “I can’t breathe Y/N-“ “hey, just calm down. You’ve got two. Take your time Buck.”   
He nodded, pulling his knees to his chest.   
“I see that billboard out the window…and that spot on the balcony where we kissed, and…and I-this isn’t working Y/N, this isn’t-“ “Relax. You need to calm down. This is going to help. Just one more thing, something else you can see. Trust me, okay?”   
He shook his head, looking around. “I see fridge magnets.”   
I smiled, resting my hand on his burning cheeks.   
“Good. That’s really good. Now what’s four things you can feel?”   
His fingertips grazed the floor. “I can feel this…and you, you’re really cold, it’s nice...and my arm...and-“ he started panicking again.   
“Hey, just one more thing, you’re doing good. One more thing you can touch.”   
He reached his hand out, running his fingers through my hair. “I can touch this.”   
I nodded, speaking slowly. “Great. Now three things you can hear.”   
“I can hear you breathing. I need to breathe…”   
He took in a shaky breath. “I can hear the movie in the other room…and I can hear you talking. I like your voice. It’s comforting.”   
That struck a nerve for some reason.   
“What’s two things you can smell?”   
“Pine…and-and microwave popcorn?”   
I lightly kissed his forehead, nodding. “Now what’s something you can taste?” 

He glanced around, then back at me. His lips met mine, his tongue grazing my lower lip.   
He pulled back, his voice still shaking. “You taste like popcorn.” 

I took his hands in mine, squeezing them lightly. “You feel okay?” “I think so.” He pulled me towards him, wrapping his arms around my torso.   
I straddled his waist, kissing his cheek. “You’re alright, I promise. You’re doing good.”   
“Where did you learn that?” “Known it since high school, my sister taught it to me.” 

He laughed into my shoulder. “I love you.” “I love you too. Can you tell me what happened?”   
He shook his head lightly.   
“That’s alright. You don’t have to.” I smiled. I felt his relax beneath me. “Whenever you feel ready you can talk to me.”   
We stayed like that for a few minutes until a voice interrupted us.   
“Hey Miss Y/N do you know what dihydrogen monoxide is-oh, I’m sorry!” He turned around, warming a laugh from me.   
“Peter, you’re fine. Could you just give us a minute-“ “he’s alright. Go ahead.” Bucky glanced up at me, nodding hesitantly.   
I helped him to his feet, holding onto his arm.   
“Oh shit, I think I left some bottles out. I’ll be back in a minute, then I’ll help you Peter.”   
I turned into the bathroom, shutting the door. 

I leaned against it, taking a breath. At least he calmed down relatively quick. But this was a step back. A relatively big step back.   
I set each bottle back in place, glancing at those sedatives longer than I should have.   
No, I was fine. I could sleep fine. 

Maybe if I said it enough it would be true. 

 

I stepped back into the kitchen, taken aback by the sight. 

Bucky was helping Peter. 

“You do realize that’s just water, right? Dihydrogen is two hydrogen atoms, monoxide is one oxygen atom. H20. Water.” “Oh, that makes sense. So if that’s true, dihydrogen dioxide is two hydrogen and two oxygen?” “You could just say hydrogen peroxide.” 

When the fuck did he decide he tolerated him? 

“I see someone’s getting along.” I smiled, standing behind them.   
“The kid wanted help and you weren’t here.” “When did you learn about chemical compounds?” “High school.”   
I set a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “Peter, go take a break goddamnit. That’s the point of this.”   
He nodded, glancing up at Bucky. “Thanks Mister-“ “just Bucky, you don’t have to be formal kid.” He knocked his shoulder, Peter nodding quickly. “Alright, thanks Mr. Bucky!” He walked back into the main room, leaving me and Bucky laughing.   
“You’re not going to get him to just call you Bucky.” “What are you willing to bet I can by the end of the day?” 

I thought for a moment, a smirk forming.   
“A double date with Wanda and Vision.” 

He hesitated, but quickly took my hand. “You’re on.”

 

Later, when Peter asked me yet another question, I scribbled a note on some scratch paper he had.   
‘Don’t address Bucky by his first name today, I’ll lose a bet.’   
Peter nodded, trying to hold back a laugh. 

“Hey Mr. Barnes, can I borrow a pen?” “Sure thing Peter, and it’s just Bucky.”   
Peter glanced up at him, shaking his head. “Alright Mr. Bucky-“ “come on kid, cut the formalities. Just Bucky.” He tossed him a pen, glancing my way.   
“I don’t want to be rude, and seeing as how you’re at least two feet taller than me and could throw me through the roof, I don’t want to offend you.”   
I practically snorted my tea.   
“Kid, I’m not offended. Just Bucky, alright?”   
He nodded, Buck’s eyes lighting up.   
I leaned in, whispering beneath my breath. “He has to say it. Without the Mister.”   
He groaned softly, sliding an arm around my waist. 

It was around 11:40 that night when Bucky started getting agitated. “Hey Peter, have you seen Steve?”   
He nodded, pointing towards the kitchen. “Steve’s in there.”   
Bucky’s eyes widened, quickly leaving the room.   
Peter smiled at me, and I reflected it.   
“Kid, I don’t know where you learned where to be this snarky, but I’m loving it.” “I learned it from you.”   
We both laughed, Bucky walking back in.   
“Hi Mr. Bucky! Did you find Steve?”   
“Yes, I did. Thanks kid.” He spat through gritted teeth.   
He turned away from him, absolutely terrified. 

Six more minutes. Just six more minutes and I’d win.   
I nodded towards the clock, Peter following. 

“Come on kid, just say it!” “Bucky, what the hell has gotten into you?” Natasha sat up in her chair, arms crossed.   
“Nothing, I’m just not good with formalities. Kid, at least once just say my first name without anything else.” “Mr. Bucky, I don’t see the issue here, I’m just trying to be polite-“ “we aren’t polite Peter, we’re avengers, nice isn’t what we do.”   
Natasha scoffed, looking up at Bucky. “No, nice isn’t what you do.” 

Three minutes.

“Wait, it’s already almost midnight? I’ve got to head back before Aunt May kills me. Thank you Mr. Stark! And thanks Mr. Bucky for the help on my project.” 

He was absolutely losing it.   
“Peter, for fucks sake please just address me by my first name, I don’t want to-“ “hey, watch your mouth!” Steve interjected, arms crossed. “Great job Peter, let us know if you need anything.”   
He nodded, heading for the door. 

Just a few more seconds and I’d win.   
“Fine. You win. Go ahead and rub it in.” He rolled his eyes, turning his head towards the clock.

It was a few seconds past midnight.   
“Oh, I almost forgot.”   
Peter walked up to him, handing him something.   
“Thank you for letting me borrow your pen Bucky.” 

 

He fucking lost it.   
“Are you fucking joking?!” “No, I genuinely appreciate you letting me borrow a pen.”   
He groaned, shoving it in his pocket. “You waited until after midnight to do this?!” “I didn’t want her losing!” 

I was screwed. 

He turned towards me, the veins on his arms prominent. “You tipped him off?!” “Hey, an eye for an eye. You cheat on a bet, I cheat on a bet. But we shook on it, and you never said I couldn’t! So I still technically won!”   
“Oh you are so dead. You are both so dead.” 

Peter practically ran out of the building. “Goodbye!” 

 

“Wanda, we’ll be joining you for dinner this Saturday. I hope that’s alright.”   
She smiled, but it quickly faded. “What did you do?”   
“Just a simple matter of convincing.”   
She rolled her eyes, her tone falling flat. “You made a bet and he lost, didn’t you?” “Correct.”   
She sighed, her smile returning. “This should be interesting.” 

 

I was in the shower when Bucky walked in. 

“Buck! For fucks sake, I’m in the shower!” “Nothing I haven’t seen. And I needed a hair tie, what’s wrong with that?”   
I groaned, sticking my head out the side of the curtain. “You have some in your room!” “Not the good ones. Oh calm down, it’s not like-“ “just get out!”   
He put his hands up, walking out the door. 

 

I trudged into his room, a towel wrapped around my body. “You owe me a hot shower you jackass.” “Gladly. I would’ve joined you but I was afraid you’d try to kill me with a shampoo bottle.”   
He stood up, his hands resting on my waist. “Why do we keep finding each other after a shower?” “Because you don’t understand what ‘stay out while I’m showing’ means.” I turned to face him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Let me get some clothes on, okay?” “Do you have to?” He pulled me against his body. I kept my hands up, holding the towel closed. “Yes, I do.” “You sure about that?”   
His metallic hand was pressed against mine, his other curling around my waist. “I thought you wanted to know about what this can do-“ “you don’t get anything until that date, so I know you won’t back out.”   
He rolled his eyes. “Come on doll, that’s in two days.” “And you can wait.” I let him kiss me, his hands running through my wet hair. I kept one hand over my chest, the other wrapping around his shoulder.   
I pulled back after a moment, slipping towards the door. “I’ll be back when I’m dressed.” “Oh come on!”


	18. Dinner Dates and Destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing ever goes as planned, does it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This starts out nice at least.

“It’s just dinner, what’s the problem?”   
“The problem is you’re making me wear a tie, and I have a metal arm, and it’s in a closed building where-“ “Bucky, we will be fine. It’s four of us. We will be fine.”   
He managed to tie it without knotting it, turning to face me.   
“Wow.”   
I glanced up at him, tucking a curl behind my ear. “What?” “You look…beautiful.”   
I had actually put in effort tonight, with some help from Natasha and Steve.   
I had a mid-thigh length black long sleeved dress with a pair of too-tall heels on. My hair was curled, courtesy of Natasha, with as little makeup on as I could get away with.   
To be fair, I looked quite nice.   
“Thank you Bucky, I have to say you cleaned up nice.”   
With some convincing, he let me get his hair presentable. He actually wore a jacket, which he borrowed from Steve.   
“Is this some sort of punishment? What did I do?” “Wanda invited us, and we’re going.”   
He sighed, slipping an arm around my waist. “This isn’t necessary, we could just stay inside.” “We stay inside most of the time. It’s a nice date, there’s no reason not to go.” “I can think of plenty.”   
I smiled up at him, setting a hand on his chest. “Just think, after this you only owe me that shower.” “I’ll gladly trade that in right after we get back.”   
His lips met mine, a small smudge of red coloring his skin.   
“Buck, lipstick, don’t ruin it.” “I didn’t try to.”   
I rubbed my thumb over his lips, wiping away any marks.   
“Let’s go have a nice dinner and enjoy some company for a change.”  
He kept his hand around my waist, walking with me towards the exit. 

 

“Hey guys!” Wanda waved from the table, holding onto Vision’s hand. “Hello Bucky, Y/N.” He offered a smile, speaking softly.   
“Hello, sorry to keep you waiting. Steve was certain we needed to hear safety precautions.” “That’s Steve for you.” We both took our seats, Bucky sitting on the outside. Right off the bat he grabbed my hand beneath the table, glancing over his shoulder.   
“It’s alright Buck, we’ll be fine, I promise.” I spoke just soft enough that only he could hear me.   
He didn’t move his hand, but he turned back towards the table.   
“I see you learned what a tie is. You look nice Bucky.” “Thank you, you both look great.”   
He relaxed beneath my palm, a smile on my face. 

 

“You’ve got to be kidding!” “I’m not! He came back with a busted nose because of it.” “I’m not surprised.” Wanda smiled, Vision laughing with Bucky.   
He was actually having a nice time. Whenever he got nervous, he’d talk about the 40s. Primarily what Steve was like in the 40s.   
“Well he’s certainly changed, hasn’t he?” “I don’t think I’ll ever look at him the same Vis.” She pressed against him, both speaking quietly.   
Halfway through our conversation, my phone started ringing.  
“Excuse me for a moment, I’ll be back.”   
I stepped outside, the cold air blowing through me.   
“Hello?” “Miss Y/N? It’s Peter. I was going to ask about-“ “please don’t tell me it’s homework.” I laughed, but it quickly faded.   
“Peter?”   
“Sorry, I was going to ask about a mission sort of thing.”   
I glanced around, speaking quietly. “What do you need to know?”   
“Well, it’s not really a question. I wanted to tell you I’m following a shipment of some weird tech stuff to a guy who’s definitely not on our side tomorrow.” “Woah, Peter, that’s a bit advanced. Shouldn’t you let Tony know?”   
I heard the door open, but I didn’t pay attention to it.   
“Please don’t tell Mr. Stark. I want to make sure it’s really a bad thing before I tell him. I don’t want to send out a false alarm.” “If you’re serious about this, we need more than just a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Are you sure you want to do this alone?”   
“I don’t think I have much of a choice, Y/N.” 

I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder.   
I snapped around, about to slam my fist into them, when I saw Bucky hold his hands up. “Just me.”   
I nodded, turning back to my phone.   
“Alright, you call me the second you get finished, and don’t engage them in anything whatsoever. I don’t want you coming back in pieces.”   
“I will, promise. Thank you so much.”   
“No problem, but be careful. Call me tomorrow.”   
“Bye Y/N.” 

He hung up. 

I looked up at Bucky, seeing the sympathy in his eyes.   
“And that was?” “Peter, he’s following a shipment of something, suspects HYDRA. He doesn’t want it to be a false alarm so he’s double-checking.”   
He took a step back. “Wait, HYDRA? Shouldn’t that be a team thing?” “That’s what I said, but I trust his judgement. I haven’t been given a reason not to.”   
He nodded, wrapping an arm around my waist.   
“Doll, are you sure you’re okay here? There’s a lot of people here.”   
He was holding me a bit too tight.   
“Buck, if you’re anxious we can go. We’ve already finished dinner and I’m sure Wanda and Vis want to head back, too.” “Yeah, yeah that would be great.”   
I smiled, looking up at him. “Thank you for doing this.” “Thank you for letting me.”   
We shared a small kiss, heading back inside. 

 

“Wanda, I assure you, I did not scratch your heels.” “I’m not so sure.” We shared a laugh, Bucky talking to Vision.   
“Nice job covering up those marks. You’re not exactly subtle, but I almost didn’t notice.”   
I snapped towards her. “What?!”   
I managed to trip over my own ankles, heading face-first into the ground.   
I stopped just above the pavement.  
“Doll, you’ve got to be more careful. You’ll bust that pretty face of yours.”   
His arms were wrapped around my waist.   
I was pulled to my feet, hands moving to my hips.   
“Thank you Buck.” “It’s not a problem sweetheart.” 

We stood outside of the tower. “Well thank you for accompanying us. I hope you had as nice of a time as we did.” “Thank you Vision, we certainly did.” Bucky spoke for me, a smile on his face.   
He was holding it together pretty well. 

Once we got inside, that’s when he opened up.   
“I’m glad we went, but can we please never do that again?” I rested my hand on his cheek, sighing. “We won’t go anywhere crowded unless you’re okay with it. I’m sorry tonight had some bumps.” He smiled a bit, pressing a kiss to my cheek. “I love you.” “And I love you.”   
We went back to my room, and the second the door closed he was all over me.   
“I’ve been waiting to rip this off of you all night.” 

 

“Hey, you busy?”   
He knocked on the door to my office, walking in anyways.   
“I guess not. What’s up?” “I just need a minute with you. Everything’s really loud out there.”   
I nodded, clearing off as much of my desk as possible.   
He sat on top, pulling me towards him.   
I wrapped my arms around his torso. He leaned into my shoulder, his words shaking.   
“Why is this so goddamn hard?” “These things take time, love. It’s not an overnight thing.”   
He kissed my neck softly, hands resting on my hips. “I don’t know how you can do this.” “I can’t, but I’ve survived thus far.”   
He gave a small laugh.   
I ran my fingers through his hair, kissing his forehead. “I love you Buck. Things will get easier.”   
“Will they?”   
I pulled back, my lips curved into a sad smile. “I can’t promise you they will, but I can promise I’ll do everything in my power to make them easier.” 

We were interrupted by my phone, yet again.   
I glanced at the caller ID, groaning softly. “I’m sorry, it’s Ned. This will only take a minute. 

I picked up, Bucky still holding onto me. “Hey Ned-“ “oh my god Y/N, what are you doing right now?”   
I pulled back, my eyebrows knit together.   
“Um, nothing I can’t drop. What’s going on?” “It’s Peter. He didn’t come when he should have and I called him and-“ “hey, calm down.” I put him on speaker, Bucky pulling back. “Okay, tell me what happened in order.”   
“This morning, Peter called to tell me he was leaving to go to that thing, and said to call you if he wasn’t back by now. I called him first. He’s hurt. He didn’t say how, but he said to call you. He’s by that old storage unit.”   
My stomach sank. My hands clasped over my mouth.   
“Okay, Ned, we’re on our way. If his aunt asks, he’s at stark tower to work on internship stuff and cannot be disturbed whatsoever.” Bucky stood up, glancing at my phone.  
“Okay…I can do that. Is Peter going to be okay?”   
I took a deep breath, my voice cracking. “We don’t know. I’ll call you once I do, okay Ned?”   
“Alright. Please hurry.” 

I hung up quickly.   
“Oh my god…Peter…he’s-he could be-“   
Bucky pulled me into his chest, letting me cry.   
“We’re going to go find him, and bring him back here. You’re going to fix him up, and I’ll help, and things will go okay. He’s going to be fine.”   
I nodded, almost running to my room to grab my suit. 

 

We didn’t tell anyone else, we didn’t want too many people trying to get involved. We needed to get Peter.   
“It’s down there!” I pointed towards the storage unit, slamming the magazine into my pistol.  
He sped down the road far above the speed limit, practically jumping out of the car when we got there.   
“Peter? Peter!”   
I glanced around frantically, Bucky behind me.   
“Oh my god-Y/N.”   
He turned me to the side, my eyes going straight to the broken form in front of me.   
“Holy shit-Peter!”   
He was coated in blood, his uniform almost shredded. He was leaning against the building, blood dripping from his mouth. His eye was busted, sections of his arms singed.   
Whatever it was, they wanted him dead.   
We both ran over. I slid my hand beneath his cheek, checking for his pulse. 

He was alive.   
Barely. 

His voice was hoarse, barely audible.   
“It was definitely HYDRA. You were right. As always.”   
“Hey, Peter, look at me-we’re getting you out of here, okay? You’re going to be just fine.” He looked down at his leg, letting out a small laugh. 

“Is this really worth saving?” 

Bucky stepped in, hesitant at first, but his tone got stronger as he went on.   
“Peter, not a single avenger is not worth saving. We’re getting you back to the tower and we’re getting you back in shape, okay? We just need you to stay up a bit longer, can you do that? Just until we get to the tower.”   
“Yeah…yeah I can do that.”   
I smiled, holding back tears. “You’re going to be fine kid, just hold on.”   
Bucky held him up, pulling his arm over his shoulder.   
He set him in the backseat, sliding a jacket beneath his head.   
“I’ll drive, you stay back with him.”   
He slammed the doors shut, pulling out as fast as possible.   
He sped through each street, considering going through every light there was.   
“Police are an awful choice, we can get Tony to take him to the hospital-“ “no!” Peter grabbed my arm, weakly squeezing it. “I can’t let Aunt May know. Nobody can know.”   
I sighed, setting my hand on his. “Peter, sometimes you don’t have a choice-“ “but this time I do. You can fix this…right?”   
I was at a loss for words. I don’t know if I could bring myself to.   
“Peter I-“ “please.”   
I looked up at him, sighing softly. “Okay. No hospital. I’ll patch you up kid. You’re going to be okay.”   
He nodded, offering a weak smile that I gladly returned.   
Then he passed out. Right in front of me.   
Bucky glanced in the mirror, proceeding to floor it. 

I called Steve first.   
“Hello-“ “hey, Steve, emergency. Is Tony there?”   
There was a small hesitation.   
“No, he just left to go do whatever the hell Iron Man does. What’s going on?” “It’s Peter. I need to bring him into my lab as soon as possible. He’s hurt.”   
“How bad?”   
“Bad enough.”   
I heard doors slamming open.   
“I’ll get Wanda and Nat, I’ll see if Bruce is available.” “I need as many hands as I can get. Get a hold of Tony the second he gets done with his mission.”   
I heard someone else’s voice.   
“You better get that kid in here the second you pull up. Keep him alive.” “I don’t plan on doing anything else Nat.”   
“Good luck.”   
I hung up, glancing out the window.   
He was next to the tower.   
“Alright, help me get him out. He’s unconscious.”   
“The one time we want him to stay awake.”   
Another forced laugh. 

 

Bucky was carrying Peter.   
I almost ran into my lab, clearing off the table.   
Bruce was inside. He had Wanda beside him, her hair pulled back.   
“You ready?” “I don’t think I have a choice.”


	19. Too Close to Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This hurts more than it should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some gore-y details, panic attack at the end.

I’d started an IV, managed to get his tattered uniform off, and got his vitals down.   
He was unconscious for a while.   
Bruce was handing me tools as needed, Wanda replenishing gauze and alcohol. 

Bucky was sticking next to Peter, helping me.   
He was actually quite calm, considering the circumstances. 

 

He woke up about halfway through.   
He was pretty out of it, squinting once the light hit him.  
The first thing he saw was Bucky. “Hey kid.” 

“Jesus?” 

 

I had to hold back a laugh, Bruce didn’t even try.   
“Hey Peter, you okay?” “Y/N? Oh my god, I’m not dead. I’m not dead, I’m okay-“ he started coughing, a small bit of blood dotting his lips.   
I held up a trash can for him to spit it out.  
Bucky set a hand on his shoulder, offering a smile. “Sorry to disappoint, but it’s just me.” “Oh, hi Bucky.” He sighed, reflecting his smile.   
“I’ve just got to get these burns dressed, take care of that eye of yours, and you’ll be fine. And your leg might need a cast.”   
He glanced up at Bruce, then Wanda, then Bucky, then me.   
“Where’s Mr. Stark?” “He’s on a mission, but he’ll be here the second he gets done.”   
Peter nodded, glancing at his arms. “Oh my god-“ “hey, don’t look at this. Can you count the ceiling tiles? Bucky and I disagree on the number.”   
He nodded again, quickly looking up. 

 

I got everything wrapped up, cleaning off his leg for an x-ray.   
“I counted 144.”  
I laughed, looking at Bucky. “Suck on that Barnes!”   
“Oh come on!”   
Peter glanced at his leg, quickly sitting up. “Ned!”   
“Woah, kid, calm down, you’re pretty banged up. I think you should lay back down.” “Bucky, I need to call Ned. He’s probably losing it by now.”   
I glanced at Bruce, letting him take over.   
“Hey, we can both call him, okay?”   
He nodded, laying back on the table. 

 

“Is he okay?”   
Not even a hello. I laughed.   
“Hey Ned, I’m here.” “Oh my god, Peter, what the literal fuck were you thinking? You could’ve died!”   
Bucky looked up at me, shrugging.   
“Hey Ned, he’s okay. Leg might be broken-“   
Bruce interjected.   
“Actually, it is broken.”   
“Oh my god, is that-“ “yes, Ned, that’s Banner. But he’s pretty banged up, but he’ll be fine.”   
“How’s Aunt May?”   
Ned sighed, slowing down his speech.   
“She’s fine, just wants to know where the hell you are. How are you going to explain this to her?”   
“He was working in the lab with Tony, something fell, and things went to shit. That seems like a good idea.”   
I smiled, looking at Bucky. “You’re actually being helpful-“ “hey, focus on the kid.”   
I handed Peter my phone, letting him talk.   
“Okay, let’s get a cast on the kid. I’ve got crutches in the storage room, but he’s resting here for a while.”   
Bruce nodded, getting to work. 

“Thanks Y/N.” He handed me my phone, looking up at Bucky. “I’m sorry I made you do a thing because I wouldn’t call you Bucky.” “It’s alright kid, I’m glad you did.”   
This was too sweet.   
Steve ducked inside the room, glancing at Peter. “Tony’s on his way. You feeling up to it?”   
He nodded, looking up at me. “Thank you Miss Y/N.” “It’s no problem Peter. You can stay the spare room by mine for a few days while you heal up, I’ll get everything set up.”   
He almost sat up, but Bucky set a hand on his chest.   
“I can go back home, Y/N, I don’t want to bother you-“ “Peter, you broke your leg, you aren’t bothering any of us.”   
He hesitantly nodded. “Thank you.” 

 

When Tony showed up, he asked that we all let him have a minute to talk to Peter.   
Assuming he was going to lecture him, we all left.   
“Bruce, thank you for coming on such short notice.” “It’s fine, it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.” He smiled, hugging me before he left.   
Wanda went back to talk to Natasha, leaving me alone with Bucky.   
We decided to go back to his room for a few minutes of peace.

 

Once he closed the door, I practically collapsed on the bed.   
I was exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted.   
I had been working for maybe three hours on a kid I’ve watched grow into what he is now. I couldn’t hold myself together.   
My hands covered my eyes, tears slipping between my fingers. Small sobs escaped my throat.   
I felt Bucky’s arms wrap around me.   
“You did so good doll, I’m proud of you.” “You shouldn’t be.”   
He glanced down at me, tilting my chin up to meet his eyes. “And why is that?”   
“I let him go. I let Peter go and take on something he needed backup for. I should’ve told Tony, and I didn’t. I just let him go and almost get himself killed. Seems I do that a lot.”   
I couldn’t look at him. I was utterly disgusted with myself.   
“Sweetheart, it was his choice. You didn’t make him go, it was his call. You aren’t at fault for this. Don’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t control. And even if you said not to, he probably would have gone anyways. You couldn’t have stopped him.” “I could have. I could’ve gone down there and taken care of it myself. I could’ve told Tony. I could have told his Aunt to keep him home. I could’ve avoided this and kept him safe, but I let him go. And now he’s fucked up. That’s on me, Bucky.”   
He pulled me into his chest. “None of this is on you. If you had gone and then you’d be the one in his place. If you told his Aunt he’d find a way out. If you told Tony he wouldn’t have finished his mission, which ended up being a big relief for Boston. You couldn’t have avoided this, it’s not your fault. This isn’t on your shoulders, it’s on his. All we can do now is let him get better.”   
My tears stained his shirt. I knew I was a mess, but I didn’t see myself giving a shit.   
“What have I done to deserve you?”   
He pulled me back, a hand on my chin.   
“You’re human. Just like me.” 

His lips connected with mine.   
I relaxed beneath his touch, my hands resting on his shoulders. He moved with more force than expected, but I replied just as passionate.   
His fingers found their way beneath my shirt, resting on my skin.   
I went to take it off when I saw the blood on it.   
Peter’s blood.   
My words were caught in my throat.   
“My god…I’m gonna be sick-“   
I almost ran to the bathroom, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet.   
I knew I was crying.   
I had his blood.   
On my body.   
And I was the reason it was there. 

Bucky pulled my hair back, his hand resting on my shoulder.   
I curled in on myself, gagging on bile.  
“Relax, sweetheart, you’ll be alright.”   
I leaned back, looking down at my blood-soaked shirt.   
I was shaking too badly to speak.   
Bucky practically ripped it off of me, tossing it in the sink.   
It was still on my stomach.   
I leaned back over the toilet, retching again. 

I couldn’t breathe.   
Everything was a blurry mess.   
I couldn’t feel my hands. I couldn’t feel anything.   
There wasn’t any air in this goddamn room.   
All I could smell was the blood.   
Peter’s blood.   
No air was getting to my lungs. I was starting to blackout.   
“Hey, sweetheart, you have to breathe. Can you do that for me?”  
I knew I was crying, and I couldn’t bring myself to stop.   
I felt his hands grasp my shoulder. I felt like screaming.   
“Okay, we are getting this off of you. Let’s get in the shower, okay?”   
I was moving.   
I clung to Bucky as he set me somewhere, screaming as hot water slammed against my skin.   
“Hey, look at me. Open your eyes, and look at me.”   
His hands were set on my stomach, rubbing off the blood. “You’ll be okay. Can you look at me sweetheart?”   
I opened my eyes.   
Bucky was leaning over me, his hair soaking wet. He had a small smile on his face.   
Something smelled like pine.   
“You’ll be okay, just relax. Let me get this off of you, then we can sleep this whole thing off.” 

I didn’t protest. I let him.   
At some point I heard the water turn off.   
Bucky threw off his shirt, tossing it in the sink as well.   
“You’re okay.”   
We stayed in the bathtub, holding onto each other as if we’d dissipate if we let go.

 

“He’s okay, resting as of now.”   
I nodded, curling into his side. It had been hours since the incident, but I didn’t really want to keep track of it.   
“You feeling alright?” “I’m just a little light-headed. I’ll be okay.”   
He nodded, pulling me into his side. “I got the blood out. Hydrogen peroxide does wonders.”   
“Of dihydrogen dioxide.”   
His smile faded. What was left of mine did too.   
“Do you think he’ll be okay?” “He’s Spider-Man, of course he’ll be okay. Will you?”   
I sighed, looking at his hands set on my waist. “I don’t think I ever was.”


	20. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s getting better.   
> And Peter is, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all deserved some nice fluff after everything I just wrote.   
> Plus-awkward Steve.

“Why are we here again?”   
“Peter asked if I’d pick him up some soda, and you offered to come with me.”   
We trudged through the grocery store, weaving through the isles. Bucky was complaining the entire time about how he could be training instead of this, but he was the one who asked to come with me.   
“I’m just getting this and some soup for him and then we can leave.” “Fine.”   
He was just as impatient as the day I met him. 

I was in the middle of setting a bottle of ginger ale in a basket when he came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Come on, let’s get home so I can-“ “Bucky, we are in the middle of fucking Walmart, no.”   
He sighed, leaning his head on my shoulder. “Alright.”   
I turned to face him, holding the basket behind me. “You really are impatient.” “But I have a damn good reason to be.”   
He leaned down to kiss me, one hand snaking around my waist. I had a smile stuck on my face when he pulled away, watching him walk off. 

“James Buchanan Barnes, stop putting plums in this damn basket!” 

 

We stopped outside the tower, just sitting in the car for a few minutes. I didn’t want to move, and neither did he.   
“Is there a chance-“ “shut up and kiss me.”   
He happily obliged.   
I climbed onto his lap, grasping his face with both hands. He hungrily grasped at my clothes, his tongue running across my bottom lip.   
I parted my mouth just enough, taking his lip between my teeth.   
We broke apart, breaths heavy.   
“Let’s get inside. Now.” “Gladly.”   
I grabbed our bags, quickly heading inside the tower.   
Bucky followed, his hands never leaving my waist.   
Once we were inside his room, and the door was closed, all hell broke loose. 

 

I was set on top of him, straddling his waist. My hips bucked against his as small moans emitted from him.   
His hands grabbed my waist, digging his fingers into my skin. “God you feel so good.” 

“Hey buck have you seen my-oh my fucking god.”   
Steve quickly turned around, Bucky and I quickly covering ourselves.   
“Steve, what the hell is it?”   
“Nevermind, I can find it myself.”   
He quickly ran out, slamming the door shut. 

“You didn’t lock it?” “I thought you did.” “Oh fucking hell.”   
I sighed, looking up at him. “What are we going to do with you?” 

His lips curved into a devious smirk.   
“Hey, I still owe you a nice shower. Can I trade that in now?” “Please do.” 

 

We managed to get in the bathroom without anyone seeing, making sure the door was locked this time.   
Once our remaining clothes were on the floor, he pulled me inside the shower, turning on the hot water. 

At first we just stayed together, letting the water run over us. I let it wash away any hint of him on my skin. His hands moved around my waist, his head on my shoulder. 

I didn’t expect him to be this calm. 

I ran my shampoo-covered fingers through his hair, the scent of pine filling my senses. He tilted his head back so I could reach. I smiled to myself as he rinsed it out, turning back to me. “Stand in front of me doll.”   
He did the same, his hands running over my shoulders, down my back, and stopping at my hips. “You’re so beautiful. God you’re amazing.” 

He didn’t pull anything. We just had a nice shower.   
I definitely didn’t expect this from him. 

 

Once we were dried off and decently clothed in my room, he pulled me down onto the bed.   
He was missing a shirt, but I sure as hell wasn't complaining. I laid against his bare chest as if I’d done it a hundred times.   
I ran my fingers over the scar tissue, peppering his skin with small kisses. 

“Why are you so infatuated with this thing? It’s revolting.” 

I stopped, glancing up at him.   
“This doesn’t define you. It’s just a part of you. And it shows progress.”   
He nodded along, sighing heavily. “Can we watch a movie? I’d like to do something alone with you.”   
“Sure Bucky.” 

 

 

We were watching some old movie, one I hadn’t even heard of, but Bucky was completely focused on it.   
I tried to follow along, but got lost somewhere in the middle.   
So I started watching Bucky.   
He was relaxed. At peace. His arm was wrapped around my shoulder, his middle finger tracing circles into my bare skin.   
His deep blue eyes were set on the screen with deep intent.   
He would clench his jaw occasionally, but would always relax directly afterward.   
For once, he let himself calm down.   
And he was so damn attractive when he was calm. 

 

“Hey, Y/N, it’s over.” 

I didn’t notice I had fallen asleep.   
He was looking down at me, a smile on his face. “You’re so cute when you’re sleeping.” “Thanks you creep.”   
“Hey, don’t think I didn’t see you staring the entire time.”   
“I prefer the term observing.” 

We shared a small kiss.   
“I should probably go check on Peter and make sure he’s alright.” “Seems like a responsible idea.”  
I stood up, heading towards the elevator. 

 

“You feeling any better kid?” “I guess you could say that.”   
He had a bag of ice pressed to his eye, his casted leg propped up on a few pillows. “You really don’t have to do this Y/N-“ “Peter, we’re keeping an eye on you for a few days to make sure you’re alright. Your Aunt knows, and you’re getting a chance to heal. It’s not that bad.” He nodded, moving the ice.   
“Did she believe it?” “Yeah, but she’s ready to rip Tony’s head off.”   
He laughed, repositioning the bag. “That’s Aunt May alright.” 

“Hey Peter-oh, I’m sorry.” Steve stepped in, but immediately left after he saw me. 

Peter glanced up at me, his eyebrow raised. “What was that?” “Long story. Try and get some rest, let me know if you need anything.” 

 

We were in the midst of trying to sleep when Steve knocked on the door.   
I know it was Steve because it was extremely slow and he asked before opening the door. 

“Hey punk, what’s-“ “please, learn how to lock your doors. But thanks for keeping an eye on Peter, Tony’s really worried about him.”   
He left before we could answer, practically slamming the door. 

“That was…weird.” “Well, he did walk in on us. How would you react?”   
I shrugged, glancing up at him. “Good point.”


	21. Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A break from the constant obligatory things going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I accidentally posted a chapter twice, and I know it’s the middle of June, but I wanted to give you all something not angsty.

Holidays are so fucking weird when you’re an avenger.  
Some are busy trying to put together last minute conference meetings and keeping the world safe for just a few days, others are leaving the tower for time with their families, and a few are trying to busy themselves so they don’t have to worry about any preparations that Tony obviously has planned. 

And then there’s Bucky. 

He refused to leave him room. He just slammed himself inside, refusing to speak to anyone. Not even me. Anytime someone asked for him, he’d say he’s ‘busy’ and lock the door.  
Not exactly settling. 

 

“Bucky, come on, you’re coming with me!” “I’m working Y/N, just take Steve!” “He’s busy with Sam, and you’ve been in here for the past three days. Come on!”  
I was trying to get him to go Christmas shopping with me, primarily so I could get him out of the tower, but he had every excuse not to.  
“That’s it, if you don’t get your ass out here in the next ten seconds, I’m breaking down this door.”  
“You won’t.”  
“You really want to test that?”  
For the record, Steve gave me permission.  
“Y/N, I’m busy-“ “ten.”  
I didn’t hear anything. “Nine.”  
After a second, there were heavy footsteps. “Leave me to work.” “Eight.”  
Still silence. “Seven.”  
“You wouldn’t fucking dare.” “You really want to see? Six.” 

I got to two when he opened the door. “Fine, I’ll go. But don’t expect me to enjoy it.” “Thanks!” I kissed his cheek, dragging him into the hall. 

 

“So what are we doing again?” “I’m in charge of baking, so we’re getting supplies. Also I’m trying to find something for your whiny ass so I’m seeing what catches your eye.” “Yeah, I don’t think so.”  
He slid his hand onto my hip, agitation dripping from his voice.  
“Oh really? And why is that?” “I’m not doing the whole Christmas thing. I’ll help you, sure, but I’m not really joining anyone for the holiday.”  
I took a step back, setting the basket at my feet. “Why the hell would you not want to celebrate fucking Christmas?” “I don’t really like doing things with a lot of people, you know that, and considering Tony is having literally every single avenger over, I don’t think it’s my cup of tea.”  
I sighed, setting my hand on his cheek. “That cannot be why, and we’re getting to the bottom of this by the end of the day. Got that Barnes?” “Whatever you say sweetheart.” 

 

I was rolling out cookie dough to cut out when he waltzed in. “Steve said you’d be in here. Want some help?” “If your help involves eating all of the dough, then no, I’m fine.”  
He scoffed, seating himself on the cleared counter. “What exactly are you accusing me of?” “Just don’t eat any of the dough, I’m trying to bake here.”  
He sighed, glancing down at the cookie cutters. “Why so many damn stars?” “Because it’s Christmas, and I wanted to make some to match your arm.”  
I smiled, laying the shaped dough on the baking sheet. “Now then, are we going to talk about why you have a deep-seated hatred of Christmas, or am I going to have to guess?”  
He glanced around the empty room, speaking in a hushed tone. “I don’t remember most of them.”  
I stopped what I was doing.  
“What?”  
“I don’t remember celebrating Christmas. I guess it’s because I was wiped so much. Every time I try and think about it, I just think of missions and lab tables. I don’t like celebrating something I might forget, so I stopped a while ago.”  
I set my hand on his cheek. My voice matched his tone.  
“You won’t forget this one. I won’t let you. We’re going to make this the best fucking Christmas you’ve ever seen. Got that?”  
He wrapped his arms around me, sighing into my shoulder. “I’ve got it doll.” “Good.”  
I hesitantly pulled away, sliding the tray into the preheated oven.  
Once I turned back around Bucky was gone, and so were two of the unbaked cookies.  
“Bucky, you little shit!” 

 

“Stevie!”  
I almost ran into his room, speaking too fast for even I to understand.  
“So I want to get Bucky something for Christmas but I have no idea what to do and considering he doesn’t exactly like Christmas this isn’t an easy decision so can I please get some help?”  
He started laughing, stumbling to his feet. “Okay Y/N, I got about half of that. You need help getting him something for Christmas?” “Yes, you mind?”

We spent maybe a half an hour brainstorming. Half of the things I thought of were awful, most of what Steve thought of involved plums. We eventually came up with something that would work.  
“Will have enough time though?” “Just ask Tony, and you can get it done in maybe a few minutes.”  
I nodded, offering a smile.  
Steve just hugged me.  
“Thanks Cap’.” “No problem Y/N, I hope he likes it.” 

 

The night before, I went in to check up on Peter.  
He was in the middle of calling Ned when I walked inside.  
“Yeah, I’m sorry I can’t be there for Christmas, I’m still on lockdown. But I wish you were here though! Everyone’s really nice! Well, except for Sam, he doesn’t really like me, and Bucky doesn’t exactly like me as much, but everyone else is really cool!…okay, goodnight!”  
He noticed I was in the doorway, setting his phone down. “Oh, hey Y/N.” “Hey Peter, how’re you feeling?”  
He shrugged, looking up at me. “I’m okay, how are you?” “Good. Was that Ned?”  
He nodded, his eyes darting between me and his phone. “We usually celebrate Christmas together but this year isn’t exactly optional.”  
I glanced around, an idea popping into my head.  
“We’ll just have to see how things go tomorrow. Try and get some rest, and let me know if you need anything.” He nodded, offering a smile.  
“Thank you, goodnight!” “Goodnight Peter.”  
I closed the door behind me, going down to Tony’s lab. 

 

“I think it’s a great idea.” “I didn’t say it wasn’t, I just said it’s a risky one. Hard to cover up.” “His Aunt won’t know, Tony, and you’re the king of coming up with bullshit excuses anyways.”  
He was helping me engrave the metal, and surprisingly not reluctantly.  
“I just don’t know if it’s a smart idea to bring him into the tower.” “It’s only for a while, and besides, it’ll make the kid happy.”  
He placed it inside a box, handing it to me. “If a single thing goes wrong it’s on you.” “I’ll gladly take the blame for something that won’t happen.”  
He sighed, offering a smile. “I don’t know how you get away with this shit.”  
“It’s easy, I don’t monologue like the rest of you.”


	22. Holiday Mornings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas with the avengers is always eventful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for all the angst.

I woke up to Natasha bursting into the room.   
“Wake up nerds, it’s Christmas, and I’m not letting you sleep through this.”   
Bucky sat up, waving her off. I was pulled up to meet his grinning face. “You don’t want to sleep over your favorite holiday, do you?”   
I pressed our lips together quickly, melting within his embrace. We stayed like that for a moment before pulling apart, a smile on my face. “Let’s go.”   
I made sure Peter was up before we went downstairs, texting Tony directly afterwards. 

“Well shit, everyone’s here.”   
Thor (who brought Loki along), Bruce, Rhodey, even Steven came.   
Everyone was sitting in the main room, gathered around a small tree with a picture of Clint at the top.   
“Why not have a star that’s actually worth putting on it?” “Clint, this is why we don’t let you decorate.”   
We all got coffee, a few had eggnog, which of course Tony had spiked, and sat together.   
“Well, let’s enjoy some motherfucking Christmas, shall we?” “Clint, I swear I’ll snap your neck, Peter is 16!” “And it’s not like he hasn’t heard the word fuck!” “But that doesn’t mean you have to say it constantly.”   
While Steve and Clint argued, everyone else got boxes set up. 

 

Bucky told me his was saved for later, just the two of us, of course knocking down my confidence in the gift Steve and I decided on.   
But it wasn’t like I could change it now.   
“I hope you like this, I got a bit of help but I think you will.”   
He opened the box, his jaw agape. “Holy shit.”   
His eyes were locked on the ring, eyes scanning the engraving.   
“This is…this is the date we met…how did you remember this?” “I’ve got files. How did you remember?” “You think I could forget?”   
He grasped my face with both hands, locking our lips.   
In front of the entire team.   
I flinched at the sudden movement, but eventually relaxed into the kiss. My hands found their way to his sides, cementing themselves there. My cheeks were on fire but I didn’t exactly mind.   
I heard whistles and laughter, but I didn’t mind that either. I cared that Bucky was here, kissing me.   
I pulled back when my lunged lusted for air, lips swollen with satisfaction.   
He smiled down at me, wrapping his arms around me.   
“I love it.”   
“I hoped you would.”   
And of course, Clint had to interrupt. “Get some soldier!”   
“Clint, I’m about to beat your ass.” “I’d like to see you try Uncle Sam!” 

I looked up at him, a lazy smile plastered across my face. “I love you Buck.” “I love you too Y/N.” 

“If I might interject, what the hell did I just witness?” “A kiss, it’s a type of display of affection for-“ “Thor, I know that, but between the super soldier and Y/N? Didn’t exactly find that likely.”   
I turned towards Loki, a smirk on my face. “What, are you jealous?” “Not quite, I’d prefer the term perplexed.”   
“I’ll give you the rundown. Y/N and Bucky have been dating ever since Y/N got shot and-“ “That’s nice child, I’m not that interested.” He waved off Peter, looking down at his mug. “Can we continue? I’d prefer not to focus on the revolting affection I just witnessed.” 

I rolled my eyes, looking back up at Bucky. “You heard the kid, let’s continue.” 

 

Everyone had passed around boxes, quite a few gift cards for coffee finding their way to me, with a candle from Peter.   
The kid likes his scented candles.   
After a while, things toned down, Clint leaving to see his family.   
Peter was in the middle of texting his Aunt, sitting towards the back of the room.   
Tony pulled me aside.   
“He’s almost here, Peter distracted?” “Do you know who you’re talking about? Of course he is.” “Good, keep it that way. And for the sake of liability, anything happens, it’s on you.” “Yeah yeah, just get the kid here.”   
We both shared a grin, turning our separate ways. 

 

“Hey Peter, you liking Christmas with the avengers?” “It’s a hell of a lot better than sitting in my room studying for the next semester. Thank you guys, really.” “Hey, it’s no problem kid.”   
Bucky knocked his shoulder lightly, handing him a glass. “There’s a bit of vodka in it, not enough to even get you buzzed, but enough that it counts. Don’t tell Tony.”   
I can’t believe I let him talk me into that.   
It was enough to keep him focused on it.   
“Thanks Mr-I mean, thanks Bucky.” “No problem Spider-Boy.”   
He took a small sip, coughing lightly.   
“Hey Peter, sorry you couldn’t really be at home this year.” “It’s alright, I can always call them-oh shit, I almost forgot to call Ned!”   
Bucky and I shot each other nervous glances, but decided against saying anything.   
He dialed him, a huge smile on his face. 

It dropped once he heard Ned’s phone ring across the room. 

I stepped aside, watching them meet each other’s gaze.   
“Holy shit…”   
Peter tried to stand up, realizing his leg was still broken a bit too late.   
I almost ran over, pulling his arm over my shoulders. “You good Peter?” “What the-how did you-how did he-what?” “Just did some convincing here and there, merry Christmas Peter!”   
I stepped aside as the two hugged, looking up at Bucky.   
“This is the most precious thing I think I’ve ever witnessed.” “You’re not wrong.”   
They started talking, Ned eventually glancing over at Bucky.   
He meant to whisper, but that didn’t quite work out.   
“Peter you were right, he’s terrifying.”   
I nearly doubled over laughing.   
“Trust me, he’s just a big kid. I’ll see you two later, don’t break anything please.”   
Both nodded, turning back to their conversation.” 

“Why is everyone so intimidated by me?” “I don’t know, because you have a metal arm and have a resting bitch face.” “I do not!” 

 

I spent most of the afternoon talking with everyone who was visiting in the main room.   
Thor stayed beside Loki the entire time.   
“So, lady Y/N, when did they finally decide to let you back on the field? I don’t remember you coming back after the first battle.” “Because you happened to literally break my goddamn back.”   
I tried laughing it off.   
“Quite frankly I didn’t expect you back this past time. Or that friend of yours. You seemed quite distraught after the generator was shut off. What was the issue?” “Aside from you burning half of New York? You didn’t exactly watch what your little army of freaky aliens did, did you?” “I’m afraid I didn’t have the time.”   
Okay, now this was getting obnoxious.   
“You don’t quite grasp the concept that when you hurt people, they don’t bounce back as easy as either of you.” “I’m afraid I don’t, but you certainly do. You are the one who’s up close with that sort of matter, being the one to try and piece everyone together. Quite a fitting job for you.” “Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?” I set my glass down, as did Thor.   
“You are great at fixing broken things, seeing as how you have turned the soldier into a functioning person. Then again, I am less focused on that friend of yours. I’m quite fond of you.”   
What did this blubbering idiot just say?   
“Please, enlighten me on what you mean.” “I believe you know, lady Y/N-“ “as do I, you absolute jackass.”   
I turned to see Bucky behind me, hands on my shoulders.   
“I also believe you should shut that gaping vortex you call a mouth before I slam my fist into it.” “Is that a threat?” “If you’d like it to be, then yes.”   
I stood up, blocking them from one another.   
“Okay, I think it’s time to calm the hell down. Bucky, why don’t we go see Natasha, huh?” “How about I shut this bastard up first?” “Oh, wouldn’t that be a sight? I would love to see your attempt.”   
I sighed, grabbing Bucky’s hand. “Buck, main room, now.” “Now wait a minute.”   
He stepped past me, inches from Loki’s face.   
“You so much as lay a finger on her and I won’t hesitate to blow your reindeer looking ass off this goddamn planet, you understand?” “Oh please you muttering idiot, I don’t want a thing to do with her. I just wanted to make conversation, but apparently the right to speak isn’t granted in this building.”   
Thor grabbed his brother, pulling him back. “Loki, you’re not going anywhere near either of them.” “I wouldn’t even like to be in the presence of any of these dull creatures for a moment longer. I’ll gladly leave you here to chat, I’ll be returning to Asgard.” 

I pulled Bucky out of the room, setting my hands on his chest. “You really need to watch who you piss off.” “Him? He’s not an issue. I was more concerned with you.” 

I sighed, pulling myself towards him. “You’re such an ass.” “But you love me anyways.” 

 

“Why am I going to my room?” “Because you forgot something! And take an unnecessary amount of time, please and thank you!” He closed the door behind me, his heavy footsteps going down the hall. 

I looked at my bed, my lips curving into a grin.   
On the bedspread was a long sleeve, dark green dress with a red star over the left shoulder. Beside it was a small note written on a piece of stationary. 

‘Here, we can match. Meet me on the balcony once you’re done.  
-Bucky’

I smiled, looking down at the dress with excitement. 

 

I stepped onto the balcony, taken aback.   
There were small Christmas lights lining the edge of the balcony, a small table in the middle with a bottle of champagne on top. Bucky was leaning against the building with a dress shirt on, tie and all. His hair was pulled back, a small green patch over his left shoulder. Light music was playing, dull light cascading over his face.   
“Merry Christmas doll.” 

I was fucking speechless.   
“How did you…” “little help from Steve, little help from Nat, overall this took a while. I’m not exactly experienced in this field.”   
I smiled, walking over to him. “This is fucking amazing. Thank you.”   
“Hey, let’s have a nice night for once.” 

We had a glass of champagne, talking about anything and everything. After we each finished a glass, he spoke through the silence.   
“Can I have this dance?”   
I took his hand, stepping into the middle of the balcony.   
His hands slid onto my waist, my arms wrapping around his neck. We moved together, breaths steady.   
“This is the best night I think I’ve ever had.” “It’s barely over sweetheart. I’m glad I can share it with you.”   
We stopped moving, standing together beneath the bright light of the moon.   
“You look wonderful.” “As do you.”   
He smiled, his lip residing between his teeth.   
“I don’t want this to end.” “All nights must come to an end at some point.”   
He paused, his hand resting on my cheek.   
“I meant us, doll.” 

Our lips met, a symphony of emotions ringing through me. He pressed my body to his, heat radiating from him.   
His lips moved from mine to my neck, fingers running through my hair. I melted beneath his touch as his other hand tugged at my dress.   
“Let’s get back to your room sweetheart, and we can really make this night worth remembering.” 

I wasn’t one to object.


	23. Cycle of Repression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things were going well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys.

I loved waking up in his arms, considering that’s usually how mornings went.   
But this time, I woke up alone.   
I went looking for him, only to find him standing on the balcony.  
I stood beside him, laying my hand on his. “What’s going on?” 

He paused before he spoke. “What could we ever be? We live such dangerous lives. How could we ever get anywhere?”   
I didn’t want to have this talk, but it had to happen sooner or later.   
“We don’t have to live like this. Clint has a family, and he’s doing fine. We could stop at any point.” “But why should we?”   
This hurt. This hurt more than I was prepared for.   
“Is this your way of breaking up? Because let me tell you, it’s awful.” “I just don’t want to end up hurting you. If we for some reason managed to have a family, what the fuck could that be? One of us, or both of us for that matter, could die. What the hell would happen then? This is dangerously unpredictable.” “Then let’s fix it. Let’s make it safe. I don’t want to lose you Buck.”   
I wasn’t prepared for what he was doing. Not at all.   
“We can’t make this safe. I don’t know if we can do this.”   
I cracked. Everything poured out. Tears spilled from my eyes, my heart slammed apart.   
“I can’t fucking believe you. One minute you say you’re completely in love with me and then you can so easily throw this away.” “That’s not what I’m saying-“ 

“Well that’s what you did.” 

I stormed off the balcony before I threw him off of it. 

 

I locked myself in my room.   
I know I sound like a moody teenager, but I don’t see myself caring.   
I didn’t want to see anyone. I wanted to be alone to process what had just happened.   
And not productively.   
My knuckles were raw by the time I was finished, a few dents in the walls. Someone was frantically knocking on the door.   
I reluctantly opened it, just enough to see him.   
“Y/N, what’s going on?” “Why don’t you ask your best friend? He’ll certainly know.”   
He took a minute to breathe.   
“Let me clean up your hands, and we can talk, okay?” “I’ve said enough for one day, and it’s barely noon. I think I’m alright.” “Then just listen. You don’t have to say anything if you wouldn’t like to.”   
I set my head against the door.   
“I’ve heard enough. He’s certainly said enough for both of you. Why don’t you just leave me be-“ “not until you let me help.” 

I groaned as I pulled the door open. I was dragged into the bathroom, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in my hands. 

 

“So, I take it you two are discontinued?” “Reluctantly, yes.” “Could you elaborate?”   
He was delicately cleaning off the spots of blood as we spoke.   
“He didn’t want to hurt me, that’s about the summary. Didn’t want anything serious because he was worried about fucking it up. You think I wasn’t too? I was terrified of messing things up, but I’m used to that fear, and it’s been weighing on my shoulders from the moment Fury called me in. You learn to set that aside and risk it. You don’t know if it’ll work unless you make some attempt. But this is what he wants. I guess it’s what I want too.”   
He started wrapping my hands, speaking in a hushed tone.   
“Is it? Do you really want this to be over?”   
“God I sound like a middle schooler. Why can’t I just push this aside?”   
“Probably because you don’t want to.” 

I hate it when Steve’s right, because usually it’s about something I can’t stand to be wrong about. 

 

Natasha stayed with me. It had been a few days, possibly a week. I stopped keeping track. 

I’m a fucking liar. It had been two weeks to the day. 

I worked nonstop. I didn’t want time to think to myself. I stayed in the gym, constantly working. I helped Peter get settled at his place while he got ready for the next semester.   
I took over mission assignments that didn’t involve anyone else, I went running with music so loud I couldn’t hear myself, I painted (giving up eventually because I kept painting things I couldn’t bring myself to look at), I did volunteer work, I did anything to keep myself busy.   
But I couldn’t sleep.   
Anytime I closed my eyes, something was there to rip them back open. It differed in severity, but it was usually bad enough the wake me up with screams echoing through the room.   
Natasha and I stayed up, distracting one another from the pressing issue at hand.   
Distract, repress, repeat.   
Distract, repress, repeat.   
Repress, breakdown, repress again.   
Distract, repress, repeat. 

 

I saw him with Steve.   
He looked fine.   
He didn’t speak. He stayed rigid, giving short answers.   
He was agitated, and I couldn’t help.   
I went back to distracting myself as best I could. 

 

“You can’t keep doing this Y/N. You’re going to have to work with him sooner or later.” “But until that point I can avoid the issue as best I can.”   
“You’re driving yourself mad. It’s obvious you need him-“ “I don’t need anyone, I’m fine on my own.”   
She sighed, wrapping her arm around me. “I’m not saying you aren’t fine on your own. You can handle your shit. But you need him to keep yourself stable. Happy. He’s happy to you.” “No, he’s not. He’s yet another issue I want to repress and damnit I’m going to.” 

It was around two in the morning. We had both woken up from something we didn’t want to discuss.   
So we did anything to keep our minds off of it. Even if that meant talking about him.   
“You’re a devastated mess, Y/N. Talk to him for God’s sake. You need to fix this-“ “not everything deserves to be fixed Nat. He deserves something that isn’t permanent. He deserves something to make him happy, even if it isn’t me.”   
“But it is you.”   
I groaned, leaning onto her shoulder.   
“You can’t see it because you’re a blind idiot, but he’s fucking miserable. He’s doing the exact same thing you’re doing. You both need to get your shit together and realize this is something both of you need.”   
I gripped my shirt in my hands, pressure building on my chest. 

It wasn’t mine.   
It was his. And it smelt like him. Pine and cologne.   
I relaxed as the smell of home took over me, flooding my senses. I sighed, realizing this could be the last thing I have left of him. 

 

I felt sick. 

I almost tripped running into the bathroom I once shared with Bucky, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet.   
I hadn’t thrown up in months.   
And I haven’t been sick a lot longer.   
Natasha was behind me, hands rubbing my back. “Am I the only one who things this is weird?”   
I nodded, gagging again.   
After a minute of two, my stomach relaxed. I sat up, my eyes catching the unopened box next to it.   
Natasha followed my gaze.   
“Y/N…how long has it been?” 

 

“Too long.” 

That familiar hole in my chest came back.   
Just what I needed.


	24. Possibilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth can hurt, or it can heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Resolutions aren’t always what you want them to be, are they?

We sat in silence for a few minutes.   
I didn’t want to deal with this either. But this wasn’t something I could push back.   
“What are you going to do?”   
I leaned onto Natasha’s shoulder, my voice hoarse. “I don’t know. What could I do?”   
She put an arm around me, sighing heavily. “Are you going to tell Bucky you could be-“ “don’t say it.”   
I didn’t want to say the word. It tasted foul rolling off my tongue. I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to hear it.   
I didn’t want to think about the possibility that I was.  
“He should probably know, considering it could be his-“ “he doesn’t want to know, and he won’t have to, because it’s not really possible.” “Yes, Y/N, it is. And tomorrow we’re getting a test, and if it’s positive we’re making sure, and you have to talk to him. You don’t have much of a choice.”   
“I do. I don’t have to worry about this now. It’s only been a few weeks. I don’t have to worry about it.”   
Natasha sighed. “What are we going to do with you?” 

 

I wanted nothing more than to go see him. I wanted to curl up beside him and let his embrace melt all of this away. I wanted him.   
But I couldn’t have him. I learned a long time ago you never get things easily. 

I stayed in my room, staring through the window. Everything hurt. And yet I felt entirely numb.   
I just wanted this to be over. 

 

I distanced myself from everyone except Natasha. I didn’t want to hear anyone asking me what was wrong, because I couldn’t admit to myself that anything was wrong.   
I looked down at the box in my hands. It felt too heavy.   
My chest felt heavy.   
My lungs felt tight.   
I shoved the box under the bed, at that point gasping for air. My hands grasped at the nearest thing, begging for relief.   
The nearest thing happened to be a person, wrapping their arms around me.   
They smelled like pine and vanilla.   
Home.  
I pulled myself into their broad chest, tears flowing down my flushed cheeks.   
My lungs burned, my hands going numb. 

“Sweetheart, you have to calm down.” 

 

His voice was comforting. 

“Okay, we’re going to try this. What’s five things you can see?”   
My eyes darted around the room.   
“I can see…the window, and that-that stupid painting I did that I broke…and-I can’t do this-“ “yes, you can. Just three more doll.”   
“I see that dress you gave me, I’ve kept it hung up for weeks…I see your arm, it’s really cold…and I see my uniform at the end of my bed.”   
His smile brought me back more than I wanted. “Good job doll. What’s four things you can touch?”   
I grasped at his arm, the coolness of it relaxing me.   
“I can feel this…and the blanket we’re sitting on…” I looked up at his worried eyes, my fingers running through his messy hair. “And this…and my t-shirt. That counts?” “Sure as hell does. Now what’s three things you can hear?”   
I tried to focus, but everything was blurring together.   
“I can hear your voice. You sound a bit upset. I can hear the fan, I must’ve left it on.”   
I glanced around, trying to focus on what was happening.   
“I can hear car horns.”   
He nodded, his cold hands resting on my cheeks. “What’s two things you can smell?”   
I knew that soon enough.   
“Pine and vanilla. Is that you?” “Always has been. Now just something you can taste…”   
He was leaning for something on the bedside table, probably the coffee cup I’ve had since this morning, but I stopped him.   
I pressed our lips together.   
He tasted like coffee, too. 

“I can taste coffee.” 

God I missed that.  
He smiled, a hesitant laugh emitting from his lips. “That works too.”   
“What are you doing in here?” “I wanted to make sure you were okay. I heard something hit the floor.”   
“Oh, that was just a-“   
I couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t know. He didn’t need to know.   
Why was he in here? He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be near me. I didn’t want to be near him.   
Then why did I feel so comfortable in his presence?   
“It was a…?” “Oh, just a coffee cup. I seem to collect those.”   
We shared an awkward laugh. 

 

I left the room.   
He stayed for a moment.   
I closed myself in the bathroom, tears threatening to spill.   
I wasn’t okay. This wasn’t okay. None of this was okay. I just wanted normal. I wanted to forget about the soldier, I wanted to forget about anything we did, I wanted to forget him.   
I wanted to forget James Buchanan Barnes.   
But I couldn’t. He was comfort. He was security. He was home to me. 

But I wasn’t home to him. 

 

“Y/N, you have to find out sometime.” “No, I don’t, because this isn’t an issue.” “Y/N, being p-“ “don’t say it. Don’t fucking say it.”   
She paused, finishing her sentence.   
“Possibly being pregnant is an issue.”   
I cringed. I didn’t want to hear the word.   
“Natasha, let’s just get done with today, okay?” “No, you’re getting that test, you’re taking it, and you’re going to fucking deal with it. This isn’t something you can just look over and forget. You have to face this shit head on. You don’t have a choice anymore.” 

 

Footsteps. Heavy footsteps. 

“Y/N…what’s this?” 

Bucky stood in the doorway, holding the box in his hands. 

My stomach sank. I felt sick again. I didn’t want to throw up in front of Bucky. I didn’t want to explain to Bucky what was going on. I didn’t want to face Bucky.   
I didn’t want to tell Bucky that I still needed him.   
But this wasn’t something I could look over. 

“Well, Buck, I think you know-“ “why wouldn’t you tell me?” He sounded hurt.   
Now that I could see him clearly, he was a mess.   
His hair was messy, he looked like he’d just gone a few rounds with a wood chipper, and he had huge bags under his eyes.   
He was an even bigger mess than I was. 

“Because I couldn’t stand to think about it myself.” 

 

We shared the silence, then Natasha took my hand, leading me into the bathroom.   
“Barnes, the box, if you don’t mind.” 

He handed it to her, standing outside the bathroom. 

 

I had the test face-down on the bathroom counter.   
Bucky was sitting with me in my room, remaining as quiet as I was.   
I finally decided to speak up.   
“Bucky, I know you don’t feel the same but I have to say this sooner or later-“   
He interrupted me. 

“Let me. I’m sorry.” 

My words were stuck in my throat. I choked out one.   
“What?”   
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this without you. I’m a fucking mess. Nothing makes sense without you. I can’t look at anything the same. I can’t even look at myself. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I was scared. I was terrified, actually. I didn’t want to think about the possibility of hurting someone I loved so dearly. If I could take every letter back I would. I don’t deserve you Y/N, but damn do I want you.” 

I was fucking speechless. He kept doing that to me somehow.   
That pit in my stomach dissolved for a moment. I pulled myself to him, small sobs shoving past my lips.   
His arms wrapped around me. His chest shook.   
“I’ve wanted to hear you say that for fucking weeks Buck.”   
He tilted my chin up to meet his. He had tears in his usually cold eyes. “I’ve wanted to say it just as long.”   
He held me flush against him, heat radiating from me.   
Home. 

 

The timer went off.   
We both pulled back, the pit in my stomach returning. “Oh my god…”   
He grabbed my hand. “It’s okay. You’ll be okay.”   
We walked into the bathroom, his grip tight throughout. 

I stared at it for a moment. Maybe if I didn’t look I’d never have to know for sure. Maybe if I didn’t look I’d never have to worry about it again. Maybe if I didn’t look this would all just disappear. 

“You have to look doll. We don’t have a choice.”   
We did, but it wasn’t a very good one. 

I flipped it over, cringing back into his chest. 

 

Negative. 

It was negative. 

One line. 

 

I sighed, collapsing into his embrace. “Oh my god…Bucky…”   
He wrapped his arms around my shaking form.   
“That means…it’s just us.” 

He sounded a bit disappointed. 

I looked up at him, confused. “Wait…were you hoping it was…”   
He nodded slightly. “Part of me hoped so. It seemed like a nice thought.”   
I sighed as I pulled myself to his chest. “We’ll see where the wind takes us, okay?” 

He nodded, resting his chin on my head. “Okay doll. I can do that.”


	25. What an Awful Turn of Events

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s normal. He’s home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When the fuck will the angst concede?

Things seemed normal.   
Bucky and I talked about the possibility of us being something…normal. Of us having a family, or being one in the first place.   
Most just seemed to end with the same answer.   
“We’ll see what happens and go with that.” 

But what was normal to me was him.   
We went back to the way things were. Everything felt better.   
Everything felt stable.   
Everything was okay. 

 

Things don’t stay long, do they?

 

We were out looking at places outside of the tower, just for something in case we decided to leave. Considering it wasn’t that far, there didn’t seem to be a problem. 

Bucky was anxious the entire time.   
He assured me he wasn’t worried about HYDRA or anything of that sort, it just felt like an off day. Considering it had been awhile since anything happened, I pinned it to basic paranoia. 

I should have listened. 

 

“Hey doll, do you ever think we could…god why is this so hard to say…that we could be…that you and I could-“ “hey, love, just spit it out, you’re driving me nuts here.” I smiled, turning into his embrace. We were in the middle of looking through an empty apartment, the owner gone.   
“Do you think we could ever, well, get married? I know that’s a pretty heavy question but I figured it needed to be said.”   
I smiled, that familiar warmth in my cheeks returning.   
“I’d certainly hope so.”   
He grinned, his hand sliding around my waist. “Well then, in that case-“ 

I heard the glass first.   
Bucky threw himself in front of me, standing between me and the window.   
He fell into me, grasping for his pistol.   
I grabbed my own, shooting towards the window.  
A bullet hit my shoulder before I got them. Somebody fell from the balcony. 

Then Bucky fell to the ground.   
I dropped with him, my hands on his cheek. “Hey, Buck, stay with me here, you’ll be fine. Where did you get shot?”   
He glanced down at the hole in his chest.   
God I should have noticed.   
I pressed my hand to the bleeding opening, my other on his cheek. “You’re going to be fine Buck, let’s get you some help, okay? You’ve got whatever the hell that thing is, you’ll be okay.”   
He grabbed my wrist, his lips curved into a smile. “Calm down sweetheart, don’t go running. I want the last thing I see to be you.”   
“In quite a few years maybe, but we need to get you out of here, the tower is just down the street-“ “Y/N, calm. Please, just stay here.”   
I saw the tears hit his chest before I felt them.   
“I’m not letting you die James.” “You’ve said that so many times before, and for once it’s a real threat.”   
I pulled him up, sobs wracking my body. “Please, let me get you back to the tower. I don’t want to lose you Bucky.” “Y/N, I don’t think you have a choice-“   
“The fuck she does.”   
Natasha ran in, kneeling beside him. “We knew they were targeting you, we saw from the tower. We couldn’t get a hold of you in time.” 

Some miracles are real. 

“Natasha, for fucks sake-“ “Bucky I swear to god if you complain about how I’m saving your life I will bring you back and beat your ass.” 

He obliged. 

We dragged him into the van, Bruce waiting in the back.   
There was a stretcher in the back. Natasha and I got him settled, then she pulled out of the apartment complex. 

“Bucky, I need you to stay awake for me, can you do that?” “Doll, just keep talking. Your voice is…really nice.”   
I knew I was crying again, but I don’t recall giving a fuck.   
“I just got you back love, please don’t do this. We’re only a mile from the tower. Just stay awake, okay?” “Doll, I don’t think I’ve got a choice. But I’m damn glad the last thing I get to see is your smiling face.” 

“Bucky?” 

 

“Bucky, come on, don’t do this. It’s not funny in the slightest.” 

 

“James?” 

 

“James, I can’t do this without you. Please.” 

 

He didn’t answer. I could barely feel a pulse. Sobs shook my form, tears flowing down my face. 

I just got him back, and lost him twice as fast. 

 

Bruce managed to get him in the lab, bringing Wanda inside with him. 

I stayed outside with Steve.   
He let me cry, holding onto my sobbing form. “Y/N, he’s the strongest guy I know. He’ll be okay.”   
“But what if he isn’t Steve? What if that was the last time I ever see him?”   
“And what if the moon falls from the sky? Y/N, have some faith in him. Bruce is doing everything in his power to save him right now, and I guarantee he will. But we won’t know until he’s finished.” 

 

Tony patched up my arm, yet I kept talking with Steve.   
“We were talking about getting married, actually. He mentioned it. He didn’t get to finish what he was saying. He threw himself in front of me the second the glass cracked.”   
I didn’t realize Tony had drawn any blood until he was finished.   
“What the hell was that for Stark?” “Per request of Natasha. It’s an insurance policy.” “Insurance, what the hell-“   
Tony just left, leaving me with Steve.   
“Steve, what if he doesn’t come back?” 

“We won’t know until Bruce tells us. Wait, Y/N.” 

 

Once he stepped out of the lab, everyone went dead silent.   
I stepped forward, choking out my words. “Is he…okay?” 

“It missed his heart by a goddamn centimeter. The bullet went straight through. I don’t know how the hell he did it, but he’s alive. Somehow.” 

 

I sighed, falling to my knees.   
He was alive.   
He was okay. 

I felt Steve’s arms wrap around me, pulling me into his shaking form.   
“He’s okay Steve…he’s okay…” “yes he is Y/N…yes he is.”   
“He won’t be awake for a while, but if you’d like to sit with him you may.” 

Bruce was called away by tony, something about a test, but I followed Steve. 

 

The first thing I did when I walked in was slap him.   
“Okay, Y/N, what the fuck was that for?” “For being a dumbass. He could’ve just dropped to the floor but he had to stand in front of me. I could’ve been the one to get hit and this wouldn’t have happened.”   
Natasha sighed. Sam laughed. Steve just groaned.   
“Wait…Mister parental lock said fuck-“ “really? That’s your focus Sam?” “Why not?” 

 

I took a seat beside him, setting my hand on his. “You’re a dumbass you know.”   
I laid my head on his arm, speaking softly. 

“But I love you anyways.”


	26. Minor Adjustment Needed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change, things that aren’t easy to adapt to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here’s where shit gets fucked

I didn’t know what to expect when Tony called me in.   
I stepped inside the room, seeing Natasha and Bruce standing next to him.   
“Y/N, you mind taking a seat?” 

Oh no. 

“Is it about Bucky? Is he okay?” “Y/N, he’s fine. This is about you.” I grimaced, remaining standing. 

Natasha was the first to speak. “You know, you never can trust something you get at a drug store, can you?” She gave a hesitant laugh, glancing towards her feet. “Wait, what?”   
I wasn’t catching on. I should have.   
“So, you know Tony took a vial of your blood?” I nodded, confused as fuck. “Yeah, what’s this about?” “Well, he tested it as soon as he could, and we got the results a little bit ago.”   
Bruce spoke with such hesitation.   
“Can you just give me a straight answer please?” 

 

“Y/N, that test you took was wrong.” “What fucking test?” 

Bruce spoke up, sudden confidence striking through his tone.   
“You’re pregnant. There.” 

 

 

Fuck. 

I gripped the table, my face paling.   
I felt sick.   
I felt really sick.   
Things started getting fuzzy. I started blacking out.   
The last thing I clearly saw was how dangerously close I was to the floor. 

 

I woke up in a chair, an ice pack on my forehead.   
Tony and Bruce were standing behind Natasha, who stood up once I opened my eyes.  
“That was quick.”   
I glanced around, sliding the ice pack off my forehead. “Damn, this is weird timing. I just had this shit dream that-“ “Y/N, that was real.” 

I wanted to pass out again. 

“No, you’re fucking with me.” “Would we really? I checked three times. You’re definitely-“ “don’t say it.”   
Tasted worse now that it was true.   
I leaned forward, feeling bile rise in my throat.   
“Nat-“   
She pulled it over just before I spilled my guts.   
I felt her hand on my back, rubbing soft circles into it. “Y/N, you’ll be okay. This isn’t as bad as you’re thinking it is-“   
I leaned back, sighing heavily. “Natasha, we have barely discussed anything more serious than what we have now, a baby is so far out of the picture-“ I was interrupted by my stomach. 

Tony left the room, coming back with a glass of water. Once I stopped throwing up, he handed it to me, dragging the trash can back.   
I took small sips, setting a hand on my stomach. “Christ…this is…this is bad…”   
“Only if you make it so.” Bruce leaned against the wall. Tony was glancing out the door. Natasha was kneeling next to me. “Bucky’s awake. Would you like to tell him or should I?” “I need to.” I sighed, slowly rising to my feet.   
Natasha helped me steady myself, keeping a hand on me as we made our way back to his room. 

 

He noticed me the second I stepped in the door. Natasha closed it behind me.   
“Hey there doll.”   
His voice was hoarse.   
“Hey Buck. You feeling alright?” “As good I can having been shot in the chest, but it’s been a day. I’ve had time to patch myself up.”   
I smiled, sitting next to him on the bed. “I’m glad you’re better today.” 

I thought if I left it alone, I wouldn’t have to tell him. Maybe if I didn’t say it out loud, it wouldn’t be true.   
That wasn’t the case, and I knew it. 

“Doll, what’s wrong? You seem distant.” He cradled my hand in his, sitting up fully. 

I took a deep breath.   
Now or never, right?

 

“Bucky? Can I talk to you about something? If not that’s fine, we don’t even have to talk, I could just leave-“ “it’s fine doll. What’s bothering you?” 

This stung as it left my lips, leaving a bad taste on my tongue. 

“You remember that pregnancy test I took a maybe two weeks ago, right?”   
He nodded, squeezing my hand lightly.   
“Yes, I remember. And?” 

 

“It was wrong.” 

 

It took him a minute to understand.   
“So you’re…we’re…I’m a…” “yes, Bucky.” 

 

Took him half the time to get excited.   
He pulled my body towards him, laughing. “Oh my god, this is…this is amazing doll. This is fucking insane. You’re not kidding?” “Do I look like I’m kidding Barnes?”   
He smiled again, wrapping his arms around my form. “Oh my god doll, this is great.” “I’m glad you think so.” 

His hands moved to my small stomach, pulling my shirt up just enough to rest his hands on my skin. “Doll, we’re…” “not yet Barnes, we’re not parents yet.” “But we’re going to be!”   
His thumb rubbed circles into my skin. “I love you.” “I love you too Buck.” 

 

I’m glad he was excited, but I didn’t exactly share the same exhilaration. 

 

This entire situation would be better if I didn’t wake up at some ungodly hour with my insides flowing out.   
I was leaning against the wall, trying to will myself to get up to get some water, but each time I moved it got worse.   
Eventually I accepted that I would die in this bathroom. 

At least, until my melodramatic ass noticed Bucky in the doorway.   
“Hey doll, you okay?” “It’s four in the morning and I’m leaning over a toilet, what do you think?”   
He kneeled next to me, setting a hand on my back. “What can I do?” “Water, please.”   
He nodded, grabbing the glass on the sink. 

“Here you go doll.” He handed me the glass, offering a sad smile. I took small sips, leaning against the wall. “Bucky, I hope you know this is entirely your fault.” “How is this my fault?” “If you knew what the fuck a condom was-“ “we used them, they only work 97% of the time.” He sat beside me, rolling his eyes. “They need to put that on the box.” “They do doll.”   
I groaned, setting a hand on my aching stomach. “This is stupid. This whole thing is stupid.” “Whatever you say doll, want me to take you back to bed?”   
I shook my head vigorously. “If I move I’ll throw up again.” “You won’t, let me help you.” 

He was wrong.

I stayed in the bathroom for about twenty minutes before I felt like I might pass out.   
And I’m pretty sure I did. 

 

I woke up in the early hours of the morning, where the sun was just barely peeking over the horizon.   
Bucky was asleep next to me, arms wrapped around my torso.   
He’d reacted much better than I did.   
And I’m glad he’s excited, that he wants this. 

Maybe it will make up for my denial.


	27. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets better, things usually get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed some fluff in my life and so did you.
> 
>  
> 
> Also thank you to everyone who’s given this kudos and actually reads my shit writing, I appreciate it more than you think!

I thought my days of waking up screaming were over. 

It had been a few days, I’d had a bit of time to adjust, but certainly not enough to be perfectly settled with the idea. 

It had been a long time since I was plagued with nightmares of all I’ve seen and done. But these things certainly don’t stay gone long. 

It couldn’t have been later than three.   
I shot up from the bed, my throat stinging.  
It hurt. Not the screaming, not the impending thought of the inevitable. It hurt to realize I was back at rock bottom.   
“Y/N?”   
Bucky sat up, his arms wrapping around my waist. I leaned into his touch as I let silent tears fall.  
“It’s okay doll, you’re alright.”   
We stayed like that for a few minutes before I felt nauseous again.   
I managed to get to the bathroom before I got sick. 

This had been going on for a few days, cycling around. Most of my night was spent leaned over something, my stomach clenched into a knot, anything it once held in front of me.   
It didn’t seem right. I knew I would get sick, but this seems excessive.   
It didn’t feel right. But then again, none of this felt right. 

 

Bucky stayed with me the entire night, pulling my hair back into a ponytail and getting me water on occasion.   
He didn’t need to be up. He needed sleep, considering he rarely got the chance.   
He didn’t need to worry about something like this. 

Around five in the morning, the vomiting finally ceased. We went back to bed, both of us falling asleep relatively quick.   
His cold hand on my stomach helped just enough to keep me relaxed. 

 

We decided to tell Steve.   
It had been a few days, almost a week, and he should probably know. Considering being an uncle is a bit of a big deal.   
The next morning, when everyone was eating breakfast, we handed Steve a mug. 

This was Bucky’s idea, for the record. I’m not good with revelations of any sort. 

 

“Buck, I’ve already-“ “are you not going to read it?” 

He turned it around, his eyes widening once he scanned over the text that read ‘world’s best uncle’. 

He almost dropped it.   
“Holy shit…” “language, Rogers.” I couldn’t hold back the grin that pressed against my lips. Bucky wrapped his arm around my waist, his cold hand pressed against my skin.   
“Wait, you’re not fucking with me…this is-wait, really?!” “Yes, Steve. We’re serious.”   
He gave a lighthearted laugh.   
“This is-wow, I don’t know what this is, but it’s good!” He practically tackled me, his arms wrapped around me tightly.   
“Air, Steve. I need air.”   
He pulled back, quickly hugging Bucky instead.   
“Congratulations!”   
I smiled, glancing down at my flat stomach.   
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. 

I was swarmed by people, a million different conversations going on at once.   
Sam was telling me he was the better uncle, Clint offered help when needed, Wanda set a warm hand on my stomach and gave me a hug, the rest I can’t remember. I started getting light headed, quickly letting Bucky know before I went back up to his room. 

He came in a few minutes later to find me curled up on my side.   
“Sweetheart, what’s going on?” “It just hurts a bit, I’m okay.” I tried laying back a bit more, but another wave of pain shot through my stomach.   
Bucky laid down beside me, setting one hand on my stomach, the other arm wrapping around my shoulder. He rubbed soothing circles into the skin, the muscles relaxing slightly. “You’ll be alright doll.” 

I shouldn’t have been worried, it had only been a few weeks. I had nothing to worry about. 

Right? 

 

I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep.   
I woke up around six, Bucky still at my side. His stormy eyes locked onto mine, a smile crossing his face. “Hey doll.” “Hey Buck.”   
We stayed like that for a moment. I wasn’t sure what we were waiting for.   
Maybe for me to make a dash to the bathroom to spill my guts yet again.   
Maybe for someone to call us about something.   
But either way, regardless for what we were waiting on, it didn’t happen. 

Instead, he just kissed me.   
He was much more delicate, his fingers running through my hair. I pressed myself against him to take in the cold feeling that cling to him.   
He smelled like pine.   
I relaxed into his touch, any worry from before melting away.   
It seemed like it lasted minutes when he finally pulled away. He smiled down at me again, sitting up. “You up to going back downstairs?” “I don’t see why not.” 

 

Peter was downstairs with Tony and Bruce, talking about his new suit they were working on. Bucky and I exchanged glances, a smirk forming on his lips.   
I sat next to Peter, Bucky on the other side.   
“Hey kid, how’s things?”   
At that, he went on about everything that had happened since I last saw him.   
His grades were fine, he’d gotten detention twice, they still played those awful videos of Cap’ at the school, he and Ned finished their Death Star, his leg was a lot better, his Aunt hadn’t questioned his ‘accident at the internship’ but still was hesitant to let him come back, amongst other things that blurred together. 

Bruce and Tony realized what we were doing just before Bucky stood up.   
“I’m getting some wine, anyone else want some?”   
Bruce and Tony agreed, while I shook my head. 

Peter stared at me, mouth agape.   
“What?”   
“Y/N, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you turn down any type of alcohol in your life.”   
Tony had to repress a laugh, Bruce was just smiling.   
“Drinking’s bad for the baby, Peter. I thought you knew that.” 

“Well, I knew it was-“ he stopped mid-sentence, Tony finally laughing. 

“Wait, you’re-when-what?!” 

Bucky came back, setting some glasses down, sitting next to me. “Well there you go kid.” “Y/N, when did this happen, and why are you just now telling me?” “A few weeks ago, and you were always busy.” “Not that busy!”   
I laughed, Tony setting a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “You okay? You’re paler than usual.” 

He looked like he might pass out. 

“Peter, hey, you okay?”   
He nodded, hesitantly laughing. “That’s awesome Y/N.” He hugged me quickly, almost as tight as Steve had.   
I smiled to myself, Bucky ruffling his hair.   
This wasn’t so bad.   
Maybe I could actually do this.   
I was actually starting to look forward to this.

 

I just really like fucking things up, don’t I?


	28. Plan Cancellation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when things were getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought the angst was over?

It seemed to get worse.   
I knew morning sickness was a thing, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.   
What made it worse was that Bucky was out on a mission with Steve. Natasha stayed with me, per request of Buck.   
It had been about two days, and Bucky called me a few times to make sure I was okay.   
It hurt to say no. 

“I can come home, Steve can take care of this, Tony can take over if-“ “Bucky, just get it done and get home, it’ll be fine. I’m only at seven weeks, and I’ve got Nat with me. Just stay there, okay?”   
I heard him sign. “Okay. I’ll be home soon, I love you.” “I love you too Buck, see you soon.”   
He reluctantly hung up.   
I felt like crying. I was terrified he wouldn’t come back. Or even worse, he’d come back in pieces, or in a body bag.   
I wasn’t going to cry in front of Natasha. She didn’t need to deal with that. I could get over it. 

Wait, I was already crying.   
Nevermind. 

“Y/N? You okay?”   
She wrapped her arms around me, rubbing my back. What a great way to start the fucking morning.   
“He’ll be fine, he always is. And besides, you’ve got the worlds best aunt here to take care of you and the little guy.” She pulled back to face me, her hands on my shoulders.   
“I don’t even know why the fuck I’m crying Nat.” “Welcome to pregnancy Y/N, it only gets worse.”   
We laughed a bit, my tears clearing up.   
“Worlds best aunt, huh? Diddddd you forget about me?” Wanda was leaning against the door frame, arms crossed. 

 

Peter came over, bent up as all hell.   
When I asked what happened, he just said three words.   
“A fucking bus.” 

I got him into my lab, cleaning out cuts and putting ice on bruises. Halfway through wrapping his arm, his cracked voice interrupted me. “Can I stay here for a bit? Aunt May will lose it if I come home like this.”   
I nodded, a smile on my face. “Spider boy, you’re going to have to stop running into trouble.” “Are you kidding? Trouble runs into me.” 

 

We ended up watching the office with Natasha, making awkward small talk for a few minutes before an actual conversation came up.   
“Hey Y/N, are you excited about this whole thing?” He looked up at me with hidden enthusiasm, holding an ice pack to his shoulder.   
“I guess I am. At first I didn’t really want to think about it, but I’ve sort of warmed up to the idea.”   
Natasha offered a smile. I felt a bit sick, but nothing I couldn’t deal with.   
“Seems pretty scary.” “Well, Peter, if I’m being honest it is, but I’ve done worse.”   
My stomach hurt a bit more than it should have, but I didn’t pay much attention to it.   
Bad idea.   
“Wait, can I babysit? I can show the baby Star Wars-do you think they’ll like the whole Spider-Man thing? That would be so awesome!” I laughed, setting my hand on my small stomach, attempting to get the dull pain to subside.   
“You’re such a dork Peter, of course you can.” “This is so sweet!”   
It got stronger.   
I glanced at Natasha, offering a faded smile. “I’ll be back in a minute.” 

Once I got to the bathroom, anything in my stomach came right back up.   
One arm curled around my stomach, pain shooting through my abdomen.   
This didn’t feel right.   
I couldn’t see straight. My head was throbbing. My stomach was in a tight knot. 

Natasha walked in after a minute, quickly kneeling beside me. “Y/N, calm down.” I had a minute to breathe, forcing air into my lungs. “Nat, something’s wrong.”   
“Y/N, are you-shit!” Peter was standing in the doorway. His eyes were set on the floor. “Y/N…you’re bleeding.”   
Natasha glanced down, quickly helping me to my feet. “Okay, Y/N, I’m getting Bruce.” “Nat, I’m-“ I doubled over, grabbing onto her arm. “Hurry.” 

Peter took me once Natasha ran out, helping me out of the bathroom. “What’s going on?” “I don’t know Spider Boy. I don’t fucking know.”   
He pulled me into my lab, where Bruce was already waiting with Natasha and Wanda.

There was so much blood.   
It dripped down my legs, pooling beneath me on the tile floor.   
“Holy shit-“ Bruce helped me onto the table, Peter standing next to me. “Hey, Y/N, you’ll be okay.” “Get Bucky. Somebody get Bucky.”   
Natasha scrambled out of the room, Bruce standing next to me. “I need to see what’s going on, is that okay with you?” “Just fucking do it.” 

 

“Y/N, I’ve got Bucky.”   
She handed me the phone, stepping back.   
“Bucky?” My voice shook. I had been crying for a bit.   
“Y/N, thank god you’re okay. We’re a few minutes from the tower. What happened?” “I don’t know. Something’s wrong, and I don’t know what it is.”   
His voice was shaking too. “I’ll be right there, you’ll be okay.” “I don’t know if they will be.”   
Peter took my other hand, holding it in his own. He was worried, and I could tell. I wanted to help, but I knew I couldn’t calm him any more than I could calm myself.   
Bucky ended the call as soon as I heard the doors open. I heard his heavy footsteps down the hall, along with Steve’s.   
“Y/N!”   
He ran inside the room, Peter stepping aside.   
I glanced up at him. My hand wasn’t empty long.   
“What happened? Are you okay?” “I don’t know. Why does everyone think I know?” I gave a dry laugh, squeezing his hand. “Bucky, I hate saying this…I’m fucking terrified.” “I know sweetheart. Trust Bruce, okay?”   
I nodded slowly. 

 

“Can I have everyone except Y/N and Bucky leave?”   
The room cleared out, Peter squeezing my shoulder before he left.   
“Y/N, I hate to tell you this, but I think you know what this is.”   
I looked up at Bucky. “How the hell would I-“ 

It clicked. 

Nausea. Minor contractions. Bleeding. 

“Bruce…you can’t be serious.” “I’m sorry, I wish I could do something. I really do. I’m so sorry.”   
I let myself cry. I knew I was a mess, but I didn’t care. Bucky squeezed my hand, his voice soft. “Hey, look at me.”   
My eyes met his. My voice was weak.   
“They’re gone Buck.”   
It hit him as hard as it hit me.   
He pulled me into his chest. My tears dripped down the front of his suit. I felt him shaking.   
Bruce set his hand on my shoulder. “I can tell them to go-“ “no. They-“ I took in a shaky breath, forcing air into my compressed lungs.   
“They deserve to know.” 

Bruce nodded, glancing down at me. “We can start everything once they’ve left.”   
Bucky looked down at me, setting a hand on my cheek. “I can leave if you want-“ “I need you here.”   
He nodded, sliding onto the table behind me. I leaned against his chest as the door opened.

 

It hurt to explain that I had miscarriage. It hurt to say out loud.   
I wasn’t the only one crying.   
Bucky held onto me the entire time, his hands pressed onto my stomach.   
Peter held onto my hand the entire time. 

I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to tell everyone I had lost my baby-our baby. I didn’t want to say the words ‘I had a miscarriage’ out loud. I couldn’t accept it myself.


	29. What’s Left Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath is often worse than the event.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I’ll write something that isn’t angsty.

I secluded myself yet again.   
I couldn’t stand to look anyone in the eye. It only hurt more.   
I’d let every single person down. I’d let myself down. All because I couldn’t carry them.   
Bucky tried to get me to step outside, but I wouldn’t. It had been a few days. I only went down to get coffee so I could avoid sleep that was either dreamless or filled with wretched dreams that clawed at my mind. Bucky stayed with me, trying to pull me from dissociative state. I didn’t want to come back. If I came back, I’d be faced with the reality of what happened. 

 

It hurt for a little bit longer, a dull ache residing in my abdomen. Bucky laid with me for hours, his hands resting over my hips.   
The entire time, he’d whisper that he loves me. That it wasn’t my fault. That no matter what happens, he still loves me.   
This would have been better if I hadn’t just lost our fucking baby. 

 

It had been a week. To the day.   
I didn’t want to keep track of it, but it stuck with me.   
Steve texted me about seven different times, none of which I bothered to look at.   
At least until he called me.   
I picked up, my voice hoarse. “What is it Steve?”   
“It’s Peter. He’s hurt-how soon can you get down here?”   
“Banner can help.” “Actually, he can’t. Y/N, please just-“ “I’ll be down in a second.” 

I frantically shoved on presentable clothes, running down the stairs instead of taking the elevator.   
If was as bad as I thought, waiting would make it worse. 

 

“Okay, what’s the-“   
I stepped into the room to find Steve, Bucky, Natasha, and Peter, who was severely lacking any injury.   
“What the fuck is this?”   
Peter’s voice broke the still silence, shame underlying his tone. “It was the only way to get you to come down.” 

I glanced around, turning back towards the stairs. “Bullshit. This is fucking bullshit.”   
“Y/N, we’re worried about you.” Natasha spoke with a strong enough tone that I could hear it across the room.   
“Well you don’t need to be. I’m fine, I just need some time to adjust-“ “by locking yourself away? That’s not productive in the slightest.”   
I turned around, heat flushing my cheeks. “I don’t need productive, I need distracting. And this-“ I motioned to their little intervention. “-isn’t distracting. Thanks for the attempt, but I’m fine.”   
“Y/N, I know it hurt. I can’t understand it, but I know it must have hurt. Just let us help-“ “yeah Peter, it did hurt. It hurt to be told my baby was fucking dead. It hurt to wake up the next morning and realize what had really happened. It hurt to let down everyone. Yeah, it hurt to lose my baby, what did you fucking expect?!” 

I had never snapped at Peter like that. 

The tears came too quick for me to stop them. They flowed down my cheeks, my lungs tight. 

“I…I need help.” 

Bucky wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest.   
Peter was behind me, a hand on my back.   
“Let us help you then. Can you do that doll?”   
I nodded, pressing myself to Bucky. The scent of pine flooded my senses, relaxing me. 

 

I talked to Bruce, and he said if we wanted to we could try again, and take some meds to reduce risks of it happening again.   
I talked to Wanda and Natasha a few times, even Steve once or twice.   
I cleared everything up with Peter, to which he claimed he shouldn’t have pushed the subject.   
But I’m glad he did. 

Things got better. I expected everything to crash and burn directly afterwards, but they didn’t. 

Bucky and I discussed the idea of trying again, to which we decided we would if we felt we wanted to.   
We were happy. 

I was happy. 

 

 

Bucky had gone with Steve to take care of something downtown, leaving me at the tower with Wanda and Natasha for the night. Instead of doing anything productive, we stayed in Nat’s room to talk. I figured the only way to get past something like this was try and mend things where I can. 

“Y/N, if you don’t want to-“ “I’m fine, Wanda. I can talk. It’s been about two weeks, I can talk about it.” I leaned against the wall, Wanda’s fingers entangled in my hair.   
Natasha stepped back in, sitting across from me. “Why were you so reluctant to accept it at first?”   
I glanced up, meeting her relaxed gaze. “The thought of being responsible for something so delicate. If they got hurt, or even fucking killed, it would be on me. And the idea of Bucky completely losing it. I was scared of being responsible for the loss of another life.”   
Who knew this would be so hard to say out loud?   
“Did that ever really dissipate?” “Well, it got better. After a few weeks I came to terms with it. But I guess my body didn’t, huh?” I forced a laugh.  
Wanda set her hand on my shoulder, mine on top. I sighed, leaning back into her.   
“Do you want to try again?”   
I took in a breath, trying to form words that could explain it. “I don’t know. Bruce said I can lower the risk, but it’s still there. And I’m not exactly sure Bucky wants to, and I don’t blame him. I’m terrified. I don’t know if I could do that again.”   
I didn’t realize I was shaking.   
Wanda pulled me into her chest, her fingers running through my hair once again. “You don’t have to make any life-changing decisions right now. Take as much time as you need.” 

This helped. This helped more than I expected it to.   
“Thank you both.” “Hey, that’s our job.” 

In the middle of talking about god knows what, Friday interrupted us. “Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers are here.” “Thanks Friday.”   
I stood up, going down to the main floor. 

 

Bucky and Steve stumbled in, blood staining parts of their uniforms. “Hey doll, sorry to do this on an off day-“ “I know you dorks, get in my lab.” 

I threw on one of the scrub shirts I keep in my office, throwing different tools on the tray.   
Steve was first, peeling off his undershirt. “Didn’t expect that much of a fight, but do we ever?” “Hey, at least you’re both in one piece.” I started rinsing out scrapes and cuts with alcohol, trying not to focus on Steve wincing.   
It didn’t take long to patch him up, considering Bucky got the worst of it. Right as he was about to leave, he gave me a hug, speaking just below a whisper.   
“Bucky’s been talking about you ever since we left the building. He’s worried about you.”   
I pulled back, looking at Steve’s bruised face. “Is he-“ “he’ll tell you.” He left the room before I had a chance to ask him to elaborate. 

Bucky managed to get up on the table, peeling off his bloody shirt. “Hey doll.” “Hey yourself.” I smiled, pushing his shoulders down so he was lying flat.   
He winced.   
“What happened?”   
He went into an uncomfortable amount of detail about how their mission got sidetracked, and they ended up at a HYDRA agency. I managed to listen to most of it, pulling out glass pieces from his shoulder.   
“Talk to me sweetheart.”   
I picked up a damp cloth, cleaning off the blood spots on his chest. “Could I ask why?” “Your voice. It’s comforting, to say the least.” “Each time you end up here, you say that.” I smiled, Bucky returning it. “And every time it helps.”   
I started wrapping his arm, thinking back to what Steve mentioned. 

“Steve said you were giving him quite an earful about me.”   
He didn’t deny it. He simply nodded. “Are you doing okay?” “I’ve talked about it enough for one day. But I’m okay.”   
He grasped my hand with his metal arm, lacing our fingers together. “Look at me doll.”   
I turned my attention to his arm, a sigh escaping my lips. “Let’s get your arm patched up, okay?” “Y/N, look at me.”   
“Let me get this stitched up and you’ll be fine-“ “sweetheart, look at me.”   
I met his eyes, squeezing his hand. 

 

“If you want to, I’m okay with it.” 

 

Any words I could have thought of were caught in my throat. I felt like a weight was pressing on my chest.   
“I understand if you don’t want to talk about this, and if you don’t want anything to do with this for a while-“ 

I grabbed his hand, pressing it to my own. “Are you sure?” “If I wasn’t, I definitely wouldn’t have offered.”   
I sighed, trying to suppress the smile forming on my lips. 

 

“You have no idea how much I want this.” 

 

He smiled, pressing a kiss to my hand. “I love you.”   
“I love you too, Bucky.”


	30. Repetition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren’t as simple as they used to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some angst, because that’s all this is.

“Y/N?” 

Someone was shaking me. It wasn’t like I was enjoying the first full night of sleep I’ve had in weeks. 

“Y/N, come on doll, please.” 

I groaned, slowly sitting up. “Yeah yeah, I’m up. What’s…”   
Bucky was a mess. His disheveled hair framed his pale face, his eyes irritated. Cold hands grasped my shoulders.   
“Bucky?”   
He didn’t answer. Instead, he pulled me towards him. The smell of pine enveloped me. He was shaking.   
“Bucky, what’s going on?” 

I took the silence as an answer.   
“Bucky, they can’t hurt you. You won’t hurt me. You’re you, and that’s that.”   
He pulled back, his hands resting on my hips. “Y/N, what if I…” he trailed off, eyes widening. 

He practically ran out of the room. I heard the bathroom door slam open. 

I sighed, pulling on one of his shirts he tossed onto the floor last night.   
He was leaning over the toilet, gagging.   
I kneeled beside him, rubbing his back. “Doesn’t feel so nice, does it.” “Oh sh-“ he interrupted himself with more retching.   
I got him water, helping him drink some once he calmed down. Once the bathroom was cleaned up, we went back to his room. “Buck, what’s going on? Talk to me here.” 

 

“What if I hurt our baby?” 

 

I took his hands, rubbing my thumb over his knuckles. “We don’t even have one yet, there’s no need to worry-“ “yes there is. I could hurt them, or worse-“   
I set my palm on his warm cheek. “Bucky, you won’t. You’re not a weapon, you won’t hurt anyone.” “How can I be sure?”   
He stared panicking.   
“Bucky, calm down. Take some deep breaths-“ he glanced around the room frantically, pressing himself to me.   
“This doesn’t feel real.”   
I moved back, taking his hand. “I’m real, and I’m not going anywhere. Bucky, you’re okay. Everything is okay.” 

Not exactly a lie. 

His arms wrapped around my body, hands fitting onto my hips naturally. “I love you.” “I love you too.” 

 

We stopped trying after the sixth negative test.   
I was so sick of being disappointed. I couldn’t stand to look at another goddamn pink stick with one line on it.   
Bucky supported the decision.   
“Things usually come up positive once you stop trying.” 

Hey, I was willing to take what I could get. 

We took a day off from training and working, staying in to watch an old movie of his. Natasha and Steve joined us, bringing popcorn and a few bottles of wine.   
Never thought Steve was the type for wine. 

I leaned into Bucky through most of the movie, my fingers running through his hair. His hand was set on my waist, rubbing circles into the bruised skin, marks remaining from the nights before.   
Some of the movie was in Russian, subtitles displayed across the bottom of the screen for Steve.   
The majority of the time was spent with Bucky either mumbling about how much he loves me, that the tree in the back looks like me in the morning, or about what he was planning on doing to me once we were behind closed doors. 

I expected today to just be relaxing. I hoped at least.   
Halfway through, one of the phrases caught his attention. 

‘Freight car.’ 

He froze up, all of our eyes on him. Steve was confused as ever, but Natasha and I shared a worried glance.   
“Bucky? You okay love?”   
He backed away from me, pulling his hands towards his body.   
I missed the warmth.   
He quickly left the room, leaving us alone.   
“Should I-“ “please do.” 

I headed for the stairwell, seeing as how he went into it.   
“Bucky? Bucky! Where are you at?” I slowly walked up and down the staircase, listening for any sign of him.   
I heard heavy breathing.   
I followed it as best I could, finding Bucky curled up in the corner of a staircase.   
I kneeled in front of him, reaching for his hands.  
“Y/N don’t-don't touch me!” He curled into himself, his voice quavering.   
“Bucky, it’s okay. You’re okay.” “Y/N, don’t-“ he pushed me away from him, turning towards the wall. His fist slammed into the metal, denting it slightly.   
“Bucky, relax. You’re not going to hurt me-“ “but I could.” His eyes met mine. “What if I hurt you? What if I…what if we do end up with a kid and I…I…”   
I cradled his cheek, ignoring his sudden withdrawal. “James, you would never. You haven’t hurt me yet!” “I’ve been the reason you’ve gotten hurt. What if…”   
I pushed his knees down, straddling his hips. “James, listen to me. Stop focusing on the ‘what if’s.” I took his hands, setting them on my flat stomach. “If we did end up with a baby, I know you’d never hurt them. You’re not the monster you think you are. You’re a human being. There’s isn’t a corrupt bone in your body.” “Yeah, because it’s made of metal.” He tried to pull away, but I grasped his wrists. “James Buchanan Barnes, I’m monologuing here. You don’t have to seclude yourself, because you aren’t a rabid animal. You deserve life as much as anyone in this tower. I love you, and nothing you could possibly do can change that. Now stop worrying about what could happen, and focus on what has happened, and what will happen. Okay?”   
He had calmed down, eyes locking with my own.   
“Okay, doll.”   
I smiled, pulling his hands around my waist. “Good. Do you want to finish that movie, or skip to the after party in our room?”   
“You know the answer sweetheart.” 

 

I was in the gym, dealing with pent up anger the same way I always do.   
My beating the shit out of a sand bag.   
My knuckles were already bloody, I didn’t see a reason to stop. I knew damn well I would make it worse, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. 

I needed a distraction, and my busted hands would surely make one. 

Streams of red flowed down my hands, pooling on the floor beneath me. I had sweat running down my back, my cheeks burning from exertion. 

“Hey Y/N-Holy shit!”   
Peter ran up behind me, pulling me back from the sandbag.   
My chest was heaving as I forced air into my lungs, holding the floodgates closed. “How did you even get in here?” “We’re going to your lab right now.”   
He ignore my question. I don’t think he’s ever done that before. 

He dug through my organized cabinets, trying to find alcohol.   
“Far left, second shelf.”   
He stopped throwing things around, going to the directed shelf. “Y/N, what the hell is going on? You know better than anyone else to wrap your hands when you train, what the fuck was that about?”   
“Peter, you don’t need to worry about it-“   
I was interrupted by hydrogen peroxide being poured over my hands, flowing down the drain.   
My jaw clenched shut, muscles tense. “I said alcohol.” “Hydrogen peroxide works better.” 

He wasn’t wrong. 

He rinsed off my hands, quickly drying and bandaging them. “Y/N, what’s going on? Please, just tell me.” 

I sighed, glancing around the room. My eye went to the table, the ache to see my own blood returning. 

“I wanted to see blood that was mine and only mine, not theirs.” “What are you-“   
He stopped, following my gaze. 

He knew. 

“Y/N, that wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have-“ “don’t try and tell me I couldn’t have prevented it, because I could have. And I’m not just pissed about that.” 

I let too much slip again.   
God I hated doing that. 

“Elaborate, please.” “I can’t stand to see another negative pregnancy test. If I do I might lose it. What if I just can’t have kids after that?”   
My cheeks felt warm. I was trying not to cry, but not very well.   
“Y/N, that’s not true. I’m sure you can-“ “you’re not. Don’t try to tell me you are. Neither of us know. That’s always going to be stuck in the back of my mind, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”   
I had fucked up.   
I was crying again. 

Peter hugged me. I didn’t stop him.   
I buried my face into his shoulder, my arms wrapping around his thin torso.   
“I can’t do this anymore Peter.” 

He sighed softly, rubbing my back. “You don’t have to. Stop worrying about it, just go on with your lives. Might as well take in the time you have before you’re worried about someone else, huh? You’ve spent most of your life worrying about everyone else, worry about yourself for a change. And if at some point you take a test and it’s positive, that’s great! But take time to just live, okay?” 

How was this kid so smart? He’s only in high school. 

“How do you do it kid?” “Hey, Aunt May has actually taught me something other than how to make microwave pasta.”


	31. Hopeful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If at first you don’t succeed, drive yourself insane until you do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavily implied smut for the entire chapter.

Peter was determined to train with me, convinced he was ‘ready to be a real avenger’, regardless of what Tony said.  
I went along with it, dragging Bucky in with me.  
Considering I was making him help me at some ungodly hour of the morning with Spider Boy, the least I could do was give him a good view. 

I had yoga pants stretched over my legs, only a sports bra on my torso. Peter didn’t exactly mind, Bucky all but loses it once I walk into the gym.  
“Please tell me you’re stretched kid.” “Yes ma’am, what’s first?” 

I help him through weight rounds, Bucky aiding as needed, but he’d mumble his way through an answer.  
He constantly stood behind me, hands attempting to slide onto my waist.  
It drove him nuts each time I pushed them off. 

“Are you sure about this?” “If you can plank with seventy pounds on your back, you can do anything.” “That doesn’t sound right-“ “just do it Peter.”  
I set my timer, making sure he didn’t snap in half.  
Bucky was leaning on a weight cage, arms crossed tightly over his chest.  
His hair was slicked back, his thin shirt clinging to his steaming form.  
It hurt me almost as much as it hurt him.  
My eyes locked onto him, specifically his metal hand, which was resting over his right bicep.  
What I’d do to have that on me-  
“Y/N, little help?” Peter’s strained words broke my concentration. I kneeled next to him, sliding the plates off and onto the mat. “Sorry kid, got a bit distracted.” He nodded, collapsing onto his stomach. “This was a mistake.” 

 

“But Y/N-“ “no whining. If you can take me down when you’re tired, you can take someone down when you’re not.” I dragged him into the mat, Bucky sitting at the edge.  
He was fuming.  
I hadn’t let him touch me for longer than a second. Each time I bent over to pick up a towel or water bottle, I knew his eyes were glued to me. I would’ve stopped teasing him, but it was just so damn funny.  
“Alright, you ready Peter?” “If I say no can I go home?”  
“Nope.” 

It took him about four tries over the span of ten minutes.  
“Stand fucking still!” “Peter, you think one of Loki’s space lizards is going to stand perfectly still for you? No-“  
I was interrupted by webbing pinning my hands to my sides.  
“Okay, not fair.” “You never said I couldn’t!” He smiled, knocking me to the mat.  
Any air I hand in my lungs got knocked out, my shoulder throbbing.  
“Okay-okay we’re done. We’re done.” I managed to sit up, Peter freeing my hands. “I’m sorry Y/N I didn’t-“ “yes, you did, and I’m glad you did. Nice job.” My words were still a bit breathy, Peter helping me to my feet. “Thank you, does this mean I can go see Mr. Stark?” “Get a shower, then yes.” I smiled, knocking his shoulder as he left. 

Bucky slammed me into the mat.  
“Woah, okay, what the fuck was that for?” “You’ve been fucking with me all morning.” He slammed his lips into mine, kissing me with force I didn’t expect. Hands collided with my waist, fingers digging into the skin. “You can’t do this to me, Y/N.”  
His lips trailed down my neck, hooking his hands underneath my thighs. “You’re driving me insane here.” “Wow, a little much don’t you think?” “I think it’s an understatement.”  
I glanced around the room, pressing my hands to his chest. “Bucky, we’re in-“ “yeah, I know where we are. You think I care?”  
Instinctively, my legs wrapped around his waist. My hands clawed at his back in an attempt to pull him closer to my body. He hungrily attacked my neck, leaving marks that were sure to bruise later.  
I let a small moan slip out as his hands pressed to my chest.  
“Bucky…you really want to-“ “I’ve wanted to rip this off of you from the moment you walked in this morning.”  
And at that, we continued. 

 

The possibility pressed at my mind more than I would have liked. I knew it was a slim to none chance, but I didn’t exactly make an effort to focus on it.  
But it certainly wanted to be a focus.  
I talked with Natasha, deciding to get a test anyways. What’s the harm in checking? 

And of course, it came back negative. 

I didn’t tell Bucky, I didn’t want to. I couldn’t exactly say ‘hey, I’m still not pregnant, and I’m terrified I won’t ever be again!’ easily. I decided to just repress it underneath all the other obligatory things I had to worry about. 

It worked enough to keep me going. 

 

“You realize it’s just a simple walk through the park, right?” “And? When has it ever been that?”  
He shoved the pistol into the holster, hooking an arm around my waist. “Come on, it’s a precaution.” “Everything we do is a precaution.”  
I had a loose sweater and tights draped over my form. “If you want to stay here we can-“ “nope, we’re going.” His eyes scanned my body, his lips connecting with mine delicately. “You look beautiful.”  
“I look like I crawled out of bed three seconds ago.” “Doesn’t matter.”  
I grinned, leaning into his chest. “Let’s go have a nice afternoon.” 

 

He was surprisingly calm. As we walked around the park, he would occasionally pick up various flowers, placing them in my hair. I didn’t make any attempt to pull them out, leaving them entangled in my long locks.  
We stood together towards the edge, watching the various children run through the grassy plain.  
Two women guided one child away, laughing as they strode towards the now illuminated vehicle.  
“Do you think that could ever be us?”  
His voice interrupted my thoughts. He tilted my chin towards him, meeting me eyes. “Do you think we could have a normal family?” 

“Normal is boring.” 

He kissed me softly, hands guiding themselves around my torso. We made our way back to the car, pulling apart momentarily to get in.  
We both climbed into the backseat, pulling off the layers between us. 

 

Just like last time, I was still worried. It had been a few days, so if something was going to happen, it would have, right?  
Right?

I flipped the test face-down on the bathroom counter, laying on my bed.  
Natasha was laying with me, talking about the possibility of what could be.  
“Okay, but Natasha is a wonderful name.” “You already got a baby named after you. And nothing is set in stone.” 

The timer went off. 

I practically ran into the bathroom, slamming the door open. Natasha followed me, attempting to gaze over my shoulder. “Well?” 

“Negative.” 

 

 

I was getting sick of being let down, but I couldn’t afford to let it get to me.  
After accepting a mission with Bucky and Steve, we left for a few days to Boston.  
Tony had given us a hotel room, considering we’d be out for about three days.  
“I’m not sleeping with Steve.” “Why not?” “Because I don’t need to sleep with Steve when you and I could share a bed Y/N.” “Fine, Rock Paper Scissors for who gets the chair.” “Y/N!”  
I laughed, pulling him onto the mattress. “I guess I can share.” He rolled his eyes, hands grasping my own. “Sorry to inconvenience you.” 

“Okay, I know you two are normally like this, but if you could not be for a while so I can sleep that would be nice.” Steve mumbled from the bed beside us, already smothering himself with a pillow. 

I sighed, pressing a kiss to Bucky’s cheek. “Later love.” 

 

I woke up to Bucky’s hand beneath my waist band.  
The cold metal stung lightly against my skin, dangerously low. His lips were against the back of my neck, chest pressed against me.  
My voice was just below a whisper. “Bucky-what about Steve?”  
“Then I guess we’ll just have to be quiet.” He mumbled into my skin, his other hand moving towards my chest. 

Let me tell you, trying not to moan when Bucky’s flush against you, as close as physically possible, is not easy. I had a bandana between my teeth. And even that didn’t do much.  
“Bucky, I’m-oh my god I’m-“ “shh, don’t want to wake up Mr. Star Spangled Glory.”  
I buried my face in the crook of his neck, attempting to muffle what would have been his name ripping past my throat as he slammed into me. I knew I was probably leaving marks from how hard I was digging my fingers into his shoulder, but I don’t recall caring. 

 

“Hey, lovebirds, get the hell up.” “Steve, that’s a bad language word.” My words were muffled by the pillow beneath me, Bucky’s cold hands pressed against my bare hips.  
“That’s nice, how hurry up. I’d like to be back before midnight, thank you very much.”  
I sighed, propping myself up on my elbows.  
As Steve walked into the bathroom, his voice echoed through the room, freezing every muscle in my body. 

“By the way, I heard you. Thanks for the mental scarring.” 

 

This time, I told Bucky.  
It had been maybe two week, and I was starting to get anxious.  
Starting? Oh sorry, I meant I’m really fucking anxious and I have been for the past two weeks.  
He agreed that a test would be in order. Just to be safe.  
Just a precaution.  
I left it in the bathroom face down again, laying on Bucky’s bed in the same manor.  
He was laying beside me, rubbing my tense shoulders. “Doll, it doesn’t matter what it says, we’ll be okay.”  
“Will be Buck? Have we ever been perfectly okay?”  
He rested a hand on my cheek, inches from my lips. “As long as I’ve got you next to me, I’m okay.”  
I closed the gap, wrapping my arms around his broad form.  
He pulled away quicker than I would have liked. My ears were ringing, vision spotted. 

“The timer went off.”  
I sighed, falling back into the mattress. “Can you check?” He nodded, heading for the bathroom.  
Once he came back in, I winced. “Don’t show me. I don’t think I can stand to see another fucking negative pregnancy test.” 

 

 

“How about a positive one?”


	32. Positive?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiding things is easier than facing them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how any of you put up with my shit at this point.

I nearly fell trying to stand up.   
“It’s…positive?”   
Bucky showed me the test, his lips curved into a smile. “Are you fucking serious?” “Would I lie about this?”   
I quickly wrapped my arms around him, laughing slightly. “Oh my god…” he returned the gesture, running his hands through my hair. “I love you doll.” “I love you too Buck.” He pulled back just enough to face me. “Are you okay with this?” “Okay with it? I’m fucking thrilled!”   
He gave a lighthearted laugh, grinning down at me. “I’d certainly hope so.” 

 

I didn’t want to tell anyone until I was certain I wasn’t going to lose the baby.   
Of course, that meant waiting until about twelve weeks, which wasn’t exactly easy.   
Mostly because I was either staying in my room so I didn’t puke every ten minutes, locking myself in the training room to work so nobody would talk to me, or switching moods ridiculously fast. 

And naturally, Bruce caught on.  
He dragged me into his lab once he did, slamming the door shut.  
“Okay, Y/N, what the literal fuck-“ “don’t tell anyone, I want to make sure I can carry the baby before I tell anyone.”   
He stopped cold, forcing words out. “The…baby?”   
“I figured it was obvious, Dr. Banner.” I sighed, glancing at the closed door. “Just don’t say anything, please?”   
He hesitated, but slowly nodded. “Just let me check on you from time to time, okay?” “Yeah, of course. Thank you.”   
Bruce was smiling.   
“I’m happy for you Y/N.” He hugged me before I left.   
Bucky was standing outside, a wide smile on his face. “You’re a sap.” “And you’re not?” 

 

Peter came back to the tower to train, still sporting faded bruises from our previous sessions, and darker ones from Spider-Man things.   
I had Natasha help me this time, considering I was a bit off my game.   
Of course, he wanted to spar with me.   
I couldn’t really deny, considering I’d get caught. If I did then so be it, but I’d prefer not to.   
Mistake. Big mistake.   
“No cheap shots, get me pinned, no Spidey tricks.” “Okay okay, I’ll do it old school.”   
Each time he swung, I’d reflexively wrap my arms around my torso. He didn’t catch on, and I was hoping Natasha didn’t either.   
After a bit he swiped my feet, my back slamming into the mat with a thud. His hands pinned my shoulders down, a tired grin on his face.   
My breaths were rushed. “Get up.”   
“But you said three sec-“ “Get up. Now.”   
He pulled back, leaving room for me to run for the nearest trash can. “Y/N? What’s wrong-“   
I couldn’t hear him over my own gagging.   
Peter pulled my hair back, one hand resting over my back. “I didn’t realize you fell that hard, I’m sorry.” He sounded hurt.   
I took a breath, forcing out words as quick as possible. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault-“   
I didn’t realize what I had said until I was mid-vomit. 

“Not my fault?” 

I wiped my mouth with a towel, rolling onto my back. “You didn’t intend on slamming me into the mat, it’s okay.” I attempted to fix my slip up. Peter bought it.   
Natasha, not so much. 

Once he went home, she pulled me aside. “You never throw up after getting slammed into the ground. What the hell?” “I didn’t want to tell the kid, but I’m just a bit sick. Nothing to worry about Nat.”   
She rolled her eyes, arms crossed. “Sure. Just a bit sick. You’ve been avoiding everyone and even snapped at Spider Boy the other day. What’s up with you?” “I told you, I’m sick. It’s probably that shit stomach bug, and I’d rather not get everyone sick. If it’s not cleared up in a few days, I’ll check, okay?”   
She begrudgingly agreed. “Fine. But the second you take a test, you tell me.” “Why wouldn’t I?” 

It hurt to lie, but giving them false hope would hurt even worse. 

 

The following night, I was yet again leaned over a toilet with my insides coming out.   
Bucky was kneeling behind me, tying my hair into a bun. “Didn’t miss this, did you?” 

“Miss what, exactly?”   
Natasha was leaning in the doorway, holding a glass of water in one hand. “Figured you’d need something considering anything in your system is-“ I interrupted with more gagging. “-gone.”   
Slowly leaning back into Bucky, I managed a few words. “It‘s not like I haven’t been sick before.”   
“What aren’t you telling me?”   
Bucky brushed my hair from my face, his eyes meeting Natasha’s. “Nothing, Nat. We wouldn’t hide shit from you.” 

Her gaze shifted, her expression falling. “Then what’s that?” 

Bucky leaned over, blocking her vision. “What do you mean?” “I mean that fucking pregnancy test in the trash behind you.”   
I cringed, making a weak attempt to stand up. “Nat-“ “no, don’t ‘Nat’ me. What the fuck Y/N? Why wouldn’t you tell me the truth?”   
I leaned onto the sink as I spoke. “Because I didn’t want to have a repeat of last time.”   
She set the glass down beside me, gripping my shoulders. “The hell does that mean?” “I didn’t want to get your hopes up just to lose the baby again. I’d rather nobody know and it only affects Buck and I than have everybody know and have it fuck things up. Again.”   
I didn’t think I was crying, but did I ever expect it?   
Natasha wrapped her arms around me, speaking softly. “I’m sorry Y/N. I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.” “I’d appreciate it.”   
Bucky’s hand was on my back. “Y/N, you think you can get back to sleep?” “Maybe.”   
Natasha smiled, pressing a soft kiss to my cheek. “I’m sorry I got you all upset, I’ll let you get some rest.”   
I smiled, letting Bucky drag me back to bed. 

 

I was at eight weeks.  
Just one more month, and I’d be pretty much in the clear.   
I was terrified of fucking this up.   
Tony offered a mission, nothing too serious. Just a simple check on an old warehouse to make sure everything was in place.   
I couldn’t exactly decline. I’d get questioned constantly and I couldn’t exactly let that happen.   
Bucky insisted he go with me, which in turn had Steve going. Tony suggested we bring Spider Boy, considering he had been begging for something.   
Bucky and I worked out something the night before we left, coming up with answers to any skeptical questions we could possibly get. 

Everything was planned out. Nothing could really go wrong at this point, right?

 

…right?


	33. Accidental Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This wasn’t planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some poorly translated Russian, more angst, the usual.

It didn’t take long to get to the warehouse. While Steve flew the quinjet, Bucky and I went over the mission with Peter.   
“It’s nothing that needs combat, we’re just checking to make sure everything is in order.” “But what if someone’s there?” “Then we take care of it. But don’t run around like the building’s on fire. We’re trying to check for damage, not cause any.”   
He nodded, practically bouncing in his seat. “I got an actual mission from Mr. Stark.” “Don’t get too excited, they’re normally not this relaxed.” Bucky laughed a bit, encasing my hand with his own. I relaxed once it registered, squeezing his hand lightly.   
I’d be fine. I just had to get through today, and I could ride out the next two week.   
I just had to wait a bit longer. 

“Y/N? Are you…okay?”   
I glanced up at Peter, giving a half assed smile. “Yeah, I’m alright. Just feel a little off, you know?” “I guess.” 

 

Steve got the warehouse open, Peter trailing behind Bucky and I.   
“Peter, you and Bucky take the left. I’ll take the center, Y/N the right.”   
I would’ve much rather been with Bucky, but I couldn’t exactly call attention to it. Too risky.   
My eyes scanned the area, weaving between miscellaneous ammunition and technology I couldn’t exactly comprehend.   
“Clear.” Steve’s voice echoed through the building.   
“Clear!” Peter’s voice followed soon after.   
“Clear-“ I cut myself off once I caught sight of the window. 

It was broken. 

“Steve.” Caution bubbled up beneath my tone, my hand hovering over the pistol strapped to my thigh.   
“Steve, on your right-“  
Someone came from behind me, slamming their foot into my back.   
I grunted as I fell to my knees. I turned to face them, aiming for their chest, yet by the time my finger pulled the trigger, the same foot had slammed into my stomach. Something struck my shoulder, pain shooting through the muscle. I pulled the trigger again, dropping my hands.   
Straight through the left ventricle. They fell back, another piercing his right.   
I collapsed onto my back, my hands gripping my stomach. I heard various shouts, none of which registered.   
I couldn’t do this again. I couldn’t lose them. Not again.   
Not again. 

“Y/N!”   
Steve ran up behind me, his hand going for my shoulder. “Holy shit-okay, we’ve got to get you out of here.” “If there was one-they’re will certainly be another.” My jaw was clenched, hands resting over my throbbing stomach. Everything was cloudy. Could be from getting the wind knocked out of me.   
“Y/N, are you-“ Bucky stopped in front of me, eyes going towards the HYDRA agent in front of him. 

“Zimniy Soldat ... my znali, chto ty vernesh'sya …”

Gunshots. Too many to count. Steve was yelling, as was Peter. Spider Boy ran up behind him, pulling him back. After a few swear words were exchanged, Bucky was pulling me up. “We’re getting you back to the tower.” “Bucky, they-“ I clung to his chest, releasing my grip from my stomach. “There’s probably more.”  
“Steve and Peter can handle it.” “Bucky, they…” I grabbed his hand, setting it on my abdomen.   
“Oh my god…we need to go. Now.”   
“Bucky, I don’t think we-“ “Steve, you don’t understand. We have to get out of here and back to the tower. Now.”   
His expression apparently did enough.   
Steve grabbed my discarded pistol, Peter glancing through the window to check for any other agents. “It’s all clear Cap’.” “See? We’re done anyways doll.”   
I nodded, clinging to Bucky. 

Once we were on the quinjet, the questions started. “Y/N, I’ve seen you handle a broken leg and still keep going. What happened?”   
I couldn’t explain. Not now. Especially not now.   
The tears spoke for me. I leaned into Bucky, grasping the back of his uniform. “Buck-they could be…” “hey, listen to me.” He pulled back, setting a cold hand on my stomach. “You’re going to be okay. They are too. Just calm down doll, I promise they’ll be fine.”   
I trusted him. Maybe more than I should have. 

“They…?” 

Oh shit. 

Peter looked up at us, his mask in his hands. “Did you just say…they?”   
I looked up at Bucky, covering his hand with my own.   
“Yeah Peter…I did say ‘they’.” His eyes held the expression you’d show a hurt dog.   
“And what exactly were you referring to Buck?” Steve glanced back for a second, quickly returning his focus forward.   
“You’ll find out. Just get us back to the tower.” 

 

Once we got inside, Bruce was already waiting. “Which lab?” “Mine, machine is inside one of the storage rooms beside it.”   
Peter and Steve followed, waiting outside. 

Bucky got the bullet out of my shoulder while Bruce set up the ultrasound machine. While he was wrapping gauze around it, I grabbed his wrist with my other hand.   
“Bucky, what if we lost them?”   
He looked down at me, his metal hand resting on my cheek. “We didn't lose them. It’s okay.” “You can’t be certain.”   
After a few moments, Bruce spoke up. “I hate to agree with him, but he’s right.”   
I turned towards him, Bucky’s hand grasping my own. “They’re okay?” “It got your side, it’ll only leave a bruise. They didn’t hit hard enough to cause any internal damage.”   
I smiled, making a weak attempt to stop the tears from falling. “Bucky, holy shit-“ “I told you they’d be okay.”   
“Do you two want to see?”  
We both nodded, his hands still entangled with my own. 

Bruce tilted the screen towards us, offering a smile. Through the mess of grey and black, I made out a small shape.   
“Y/N…that’s-“ “yeah, it is…”   
His eyes met mine, his pale cheeks regaining color.

He kissed me with more delicacy than usual, leaning down in the process.   
It was when Steve cleared his throat that we broke apart.   
“Excuse me, but what the actual fuck is going on?” “Cap’, that’s a bad language word.” I smiled, Bruce tilting the screen away from them. “Uh, Steve, I’m sorry to say this, but can you please-“ “it’s alright Bruce, they can stay. Thank you.”   
He nodded, mumbling a few things about leaving us alone before he left, closing the door behind him.   
“Okay, can someone tell me what’s going on here?”   
Bucky and I shared a glance, silently agreeing.   
“See for yourself, uncle.”   
I tilted the screen towards them, the picture from before frozen on it. 

It took Steve a moment to understand. Peter, a bit longer.   
He really got it once Steve passed out. 

“Really? Last time he didn’t pass out.” “Yeah, but last time we told him beforehand.” Bucky sighed, picking him up. Once he got to his feet, he snapped back.   
“Steve? You good?”   
He nodded, still paler than usual. “You mean…” “yes, Steve. Is it really that hard to understand?”   
I didn’t mean to sound rude, but I was pretty exasperated at this point. 

“I’m an uncle!”   
Peter smiled, his eyes locked on the screen.   
“More like a cousin. And besides, their favorite uncle will be me.” He sighed, arms crossed. “Why wouldn’t you tell us?” “I didn’t want to end up losing the baby, and having a repeat of last time. Just a precaution.”   
He nodded, not even attempting to hide his smile. “I’m glad they’re alright. I’ll let you two have a moment.” He ended up dragging Peter out, who waved as they left. 

 

That night, Bucky and I were laying in bed, staring at the ultrasound card Bruce gave us.   
“That’s our kid. That’s really them.” “Yeah Buck, yeah it is.” I glanced up at him, his eyes meeting mine. “And they’re not going anywhere.” 

Our moment was interrupted by Tony bursting in, exasperated. “You told Peter you were pregnant before you told me?!”


	34. Revelations, Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get better. Sometimes they get worse. Sometimes they don’t.

It had been twelve weeks.   
Bruce gave me the all clear, saying I was most likely to carry to term.   
Bucky and I were alright with telling people, but we didn’t want anyone besides the team to know. Better to minimize the risks.

The following day, Tony came back from a mission with Thor and Wanda, deciding to throw another Avengers party, basically to say ‘you’re welcome for saving the world, I’m better than all of you’.   
Yet this was a perfect opportunity to reveal shit, if that makes any sense. 

Tony said it was nothing fancy, which resulted in most of us showing up in sweats or flannels, in Clint’s case. I had on jeans and one of Bucky’s shirts, hiding the small bump that I’d started sporting.   
Bucky stayed beside me the entire night, listening to Thor ramble on about their mission.   
Tony was shooting me looks occasionally, a smirk tugging at his lips. His eyes glanced at his empty glass, then back at me for permission.   
I groaned, rolling my eyes in response.   
Tony stood up, ignoring me. “I’m getting drinks. Anyone?”   
A few mumbled a response, Bucky shaking his head. Thank god.   
“What’s with you two? Don’t think you’ve ever turned down a drink.” “We’ve got an early morning training session, rather not be hungover for it.” He shrugged, rubbing circles into my sore shoulder.   
A few murmured agreements, a couple of smiles, and Natasha desperately trying to keep her mouth shut. 

After a while, everyone who knew started getting anxious, except for Steve. Miraculously, he was the only one not losing it.   
Peter decided to show up once he got out of his apartment, texting me once he left.   
‘I’ve got that shirt, you sure about it?’ 

‘Positive. Just get your Spidey ass over here.’

 

Bucky and I exchanged nervous glances, eventually melting into smiles. 

 

“Now listen, I’m not saying it’s stupid, but it’s pretty fucking stupid.” “Oh come on Tony, it’s symbolic. And besides, we’ve seen how kids react to it.” “What's better, a glorified frisbee with a star on it, or someone who can fly, also has a shield, and, oh, isn’t wearing spandex?”   
Even with Tony and Steve arguing over who kids adored more, nobody caught on. Natasha finally pulled me into the kitchen, exasperated. “Come on, will you please just tell everyone? It’s driving me insane.” “Trust me Nat, this is much better. And you’ll love it.” “But I’m ready to put both of these idiots in their place that the kid will like their aunt Natasha much more than the both of them.” I rolled my eyes, setting a hand on her shoulder. “We’ll have to see, won’t we?” “Nope, because I know the kid will. I’m certain of it.”   
I sighed, Tony’s loud voice interrupting. “Finally, Peter’s here. He can solve this.” 

Natasha gave a smirk, knocking my shoulder, and quickly apologizing.   
“Nat, I’m pregnant, not made of glass.”   
She rolled her eyes, walking back into the room everyone was gathered in. 

I plopped down next to Bucky, leaning on his shoulder. “Can’t back out now.” “Why would I want to? And just for the record, if everyone hates it, it was your idea.” “Oh bullshit, it was primarily Peter’s. We can blame it on him.” “Hey, don’t swear in front of Captain PG.”   
I smiled, glancing at Peter once he walked in. 

The shirt was his idea, Captain and I helped make it. Peter was so fucking excited that he got to be a part of it.   
‘Best Spider-Cousin.’   
Steve refused to put uncle on it, that was his place. 

“Okay, Spider kid, solve this for us. Do you think kids prefer a guy with a dumbass helmet-“ “-or a flying tin can?”   
He glanced between the two, laughing as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I think kids prefer a guy who can swing from buildings.” “You don’t count, you’re a kid.” “Oh come on, I’m seventeen!” “Still a kid!”   
This continued for a few minutes, at least until Wanda interrupted. 

“Hey Peter, what’s on your shirt?” 

He turned to face her, shooting me an excited grin.   
After a few moments, Wanda smiled, snapping towards me. “Y/N? Are you-“ “wait, you’re telling me Y/N is-“ “Holy shit, when did this-“   
“Can one of you finish a damn sentence?” Tony cut in, sighing heavily. 

Sam leaned onto his knees, glancing at Bucky and I. “So, Y/N, are you really?” “Yeah, I am Bird Brain.”   
I got a million questions, Bucky making an attempt to answer what he could. I got a few hugs, the occasional “can I feel” to which Bruce explained that there wouldn’t be anything to really expect.  
Bucky kept his arm around my shoulder, pressing a kiss to my cheek. “Did you expect anything less?” “I expected a bit worse actually.” I smiled, leaning into his embrace.   
And of course, people started arguing. 

“Tony, I’m not letting you give my child an Iron Man suit!” “But that would be so cool! It’s better than the dinner plate Steve’s got.” “Oh bite me you-“ 

 

 

Bucky mostly stayed with me over the next few weeks, even when I went to train. I told him I’d be fine, but of course he came anyways.   
“I’m an adult you know.” “I’m just keeping an eye on you sweetheart.”   
I didn’t exactly mind, that meant he’d be there to kiss when I got finished.   
Well, aside from one instance.   
I was in the middle of working with the sandbag, slamming my heavily wrapped hands into the sides on it.   
Mid punch, I felt a light fluttering within my stomach. It didn’t exactly hurt, it just caught me off guard.  
“What-“ I grazed the surface with my fingertips, my eyebrows knit together. I didn’t have much time to think about it, considering I was leaning over a trash can moments later. 

Bucky pulled my hair back, running a hand over my lower back. “I’m sorry doll, I thought this had subsided.” “I did too-“ I managed to choke out a few words in-between gagging.   
After a minute or two, I leaned back, breaths heavy.   
“Is Bruce in today?” “He’s been here all week.”   
I nodded, standing up much faster than I should have. Bucky helped me get steady, unwrapping my hands. “Is everything okay doll?” “Yeah, I just have to ask him about something.”   
He tilted my hips towards himself, moving a hand to run through my hair.   
“You sure you’re okay?” “Yeah, I’m fine Buck.”   
I leaned against his chest, hands resting over his biceps.   
“This is scary as fuck.” “I wouldn’t expect it to be anything else. You don’t have to be perfectly settled all the time, Y/N.”   
His hands met at my stomach, resting underneath my thin shirt.   
“You’ve got time to get used to this doll.”   
I set my hands on top of his, sighing heavily. I relaxed at the contact after a few moments. “Are you scared?”   
He looked down at me, cracking a smile. “I’m fucking terrified.” 

 

“It starts as light movement, enjoy it while you can. They get more active as time goes on, and trust me, you’ll think this is nothing after a while.”   
I looked up at Bruce, hands clasped tightly together. “They’re okay?” “Perfectly. Y/N, there’s only a problem if you start bleeding heavily. I promise, you’ll be okay. Don’t be so worried.” He rubbed my shoulder lightly. “They’ll be okay. You won’t lose them.”   
I nodded, setting my warm hand on top of his cold one.   
“Thank you Bruce.” “That’s what I’m here for.”   
I started walking out of the lab, stopping in the doorway.   
“Do you ever think the avengers could have normal lives?” 

 

He sighed, looking back at me. “I’d certainly hope you can. I don’t know about the rest of us. I know I won’t.”


	35. Kept Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promises were made, and you were going to stick to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re nearing the end here guys

Tony respectively asked that I only go on low grade missions, to which I happily agreed. I didn’t want to lose them, and scary ass missions would be the way to do it.   
I mostly trained with Bucky or Natasha, occasionally Peter, worked with Bruce in his lab, or patched up anyone who came in.   
Bucky nearly lost it when Tony gave him and Steve a mission over in Sokovia. 

“Buck, it’s only for a week. What’s the problem?” “I’ll be away from you, and what if something happens? What if something happens with the baby or-“   
I grabbed his hands, setting them on my small stomach. He tried to pull the metal one away, but I kept my grip.   
“James, nothing will happen. I’ll be fine, and so will they. I can’t think of anything that you could possibly miss. I’ll wait for the ultrasound until you get back.”   
He slowly relaxed, rubbing small circles into the skin. “You’re sure you don’t want me to stay? I can tell Steve-” “Bucky, Sokovia needs you more than I do right now. I promise I’ll be right here when you get back.” I pressed a light kiss to his cheek. “I love you Barnes.”   
“I love you too Y/N. I’d say you last name but I’d much rather replace it with mine.”   
My cheeks were bright red, but I certainly wasn’t willing to admit it.   
“Gladly. Now stop stalling and get your ass on that quinjet.” 

 

Peter asked for my help with his science final, asking that I go over to help him.   
“Aunt May said I have to stay here to finish it because I ‘won’t get anything done if I go over there’. How dumb is that?” “She’s not wrong Peter. I’ll be over there soon. And make sure Ned doesn’t flip his shit once I get there.” “Can do!”   
I checked in with Nat so she didn’t lose her shit when I wasn’t there. I kept my pistol with me, driving over to Peter’s apartment.

 

“Door’s open.”   
I stepped inside to see May, pouring steaming water into a mug. “Hey Y/N. How are you?” “I’m pretty good, Peter still here?” “In his room with Ned, their project is a mess. Thanks for helping him.” I smiled, heading towards his room. “It’s no problem May.”   
“Oh, and congratulations. Peter told me about the baby. Do you know what it is?”   
I turned back to face her, shrugging lightly. “I’m waiting for Bucky to get back before I find out.”   
She offered a smile, standing up. “Is there a possibility I could…?” Her hands hovered above my stomach, a motion I was accustomed to.   
I slowly nodded, raising my shirt up enough that my small stomach was exposed. 

Her warm palms rested on my cold skin, light flutters residing beneath them. My smile mirrored her own, pulling my thick shirt down once she retracted her hands. “That’s sweet.” “I have to agree. I better get in there and help your nephew before he gives up.”   
She nodded, laughing with me. 

 

“Guess who’s here Spider Boy?”   
I stepped inside the room, closing the door behind me. Peter was writing on notebook paper, and Ned was busy on his laptop.   
“Oh, hey Y/N. Thanks for coming to help us.” “No problem. Now what’s the deal?” I sat on the bed, watching Ned slam his hands on the keyboard. “These equations are so fucked up.” “We’re doing a biology final and neither of us can figure out why this equation won’t balance.” “Let me take a look.”   
I took the paper from him, glancing over the paper. 

 

Maybe ten minutes later, the topic switched to the avengers, again. Peter was going on and on about how great of a cousin he’ll be.  
“Spider Boy, I am not naming my kid Peter.” “But it’s such a great name!” “Oh come on kid, I don’t even know what they are yet!”   
Ned cut in, hesitantly speaking. “You…don’t know yet?”   
Peter glanced between Ned and I. “Why not?”   
I shrugged lightly, interlocking my hands. “I want Bucky to be with me, and he’s in Sokovia.” “But…he’s been gone for two weeks. Don’t you want to know?” “I promised him I’d wait.”   
Ned nodded slowly, quickly changing the subject. “So…how did you meet him?” 

They both sat through my mushy story, Peter repeatedly asking questions to get me to talk more.   
“How did you get together?”   
“What were dates with him like?”   
“How did you find out?”   
Eventually, Peter asked something quietly. Not as excited as he was previously. “What’s it like to trust someone enough to tell them everything like that?”   
Ned seemed surprised, as was I.   
“Well, I don’t tell him everything, but it’s comforting to have someone you can confide in. Peter, you know you can talk to us-“ “that’s not exactly what I mean, but thank you.”   
He asked that we move on. We could talk about it later on. I begrudgingly agreed. 

 

“Y/N, are you sure you don’t want to know?” Bruce was peeling off his gloves as I pulled my-Bucky’s shirt down. “Yes, Bruce, I’m positive. I told Bucky I’d wait, and I will.” “But you don’t know when he could be back.”   
I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. Maybe three. Bruce asked to check on the kid, but didn’t tell me anything else. I tried calling Bucky, multiple times. Steve as well. Neither answered, but I knew they were at least alive.   
That was comforting, somewhat.   
“You do realize he might not be back in time?” “He will, missions can’t last that long.” “It’s a nice thought, but I can’t agree.” Bruce set a hand on my shoulder. “Listen Y/N. I just want you to be prepared for the worst.” “I don’t need to, he’ll be fine.”   
Denial seems to be something I’m astounding at, isn’t it? 

 

We lost contact with both of them for two weeks.   
Each time I was kicked, I thought of what Bucky would have said. He’d most likely go on about how precious this all is, and even if he was a huge sap, I missed him.   
I really missed him. 

I sat in his room for hours, just sorting through pictures of us. I tried to repress the memory of my reaction when we lost contact. I didn’t want to think about it.   
Natasha came in occasionally to talk to me. She’d assure me that they would be back. Bucky would come back and see his baby before they were born. They’d come back in one piece.   
Steve and Bucky would be okay.   
I held onto that hope. 

 

I held onto it for another month.   
Two left. 

I stopped talking to anyone besides Bruce and Natasha. Especially not Tony. I couldn’t stand to see the face of the man who sent them.   
They could be dead, and I’d never know. 

“Y/N, this type of stress isn’t good for-“ “don’t say it. Don’t you dare say it’s not good for the baby. You know what else isn’t? A dead father, and a dead uncle. Natasha, they’re gone, and I can’t do anything.” “We don’t know that for sure!”   
I sighed, glancing out the window at the city.   
There were alerts. The entire world was on the hunt for Captain America and Sergeant Barnes.   
Tony left the tower for days on end, searching for them. I stayed behind with Bruce to work on tech.   
And each time they came back bruised, I’d fix them.   
I didn’t speak to them. I didn’t ask. I just worked. 

“I just want some fucking closure.”


End file.
